Doldrum dropping

Well, I’d say the last three months to six months represented a new low in depressive episodes for me.  Sleeping too much, not being able to do normal household tasks, feeling actively anxious any time I left the house, dozens of mini migraines, not being able to take refuge in my normal depressive activities like journaling or music, chest pain (at the same time every day, unaccompanied by exertion), irritability on a seven league scale and a suspended feeling that life was meaningless… even drifted over to thoughts of suicide for a while without getting concrete at all about it (I hate that… I don’t like thinking about it and for a while there it was all I was thinking about; lack of control over your thought processes sucks a major mop)… but strangely and rather suddenly I feel better and much lighter.  Since I have been here before I don’t repine, I just live through it.  But it is very nice not to feel so dreadful all the time. Why thanks Mr depression canker, now outta my brain.

Also, stannomancy at Jarmo’s.  That’s what my year will close with.  I’ll be going stag, Paul, nor Keith, nor Katie, nor Mike are going, all being previously booked or outta town.  Just Finn Family Moomindroll.  Mike’s kung fu buddy died a couple weeks back and it hit the usual kung fu guys pretty hard so it’ll be a major kung fu party for him on New Years’.  Mike has had it fucking rough too, this past ‘festive season’ but he told me he was feeling better the other night.  It was lovely to hear his voice.

I was tired of running out of room on my camera for pics and not having video so London Thugs had a $10 4 gig Micro SD card;  I got one for me and one for Katie, who squealed and popped it in her Blackberry in seconds (like momma, like daughter, says I).  I also picked up a cubic meter of asswipe, because I have NEVER in my LIFE seen a child go through toilet paper like Katie.  Honestly.  One wants to ask the question, and then one knows better.

Also laundry soda (I use Nellie’s and love it, especially the way clothes smell clean but have no scent, but don’t click on it, the website has puerile animation) and Amaze, and epsom salts.  Oh, and a box of Turtles, cause I is evil.

Eddie is convinced that if he stares at me hard enough I will figure out what he wants.  I already fed him and he didn’t want to go outside.  Sorry, I need more of a hint than a baleful and hairy eyeball.

I’m going to make some breakfast and some coffee.  And find some headphones and listen to choons very loud.  And maybe make a set list for Conflikt.  You know, Paul occasionally teases me that he’d like to come to Conflikt IV for a day, and I really wish he would.  But only if we rehearse first, we are killer when we rehearse.