so late with the post today

I may or may not (by which I mean we, since Jeff is involved as well) get Alex for a sleepover next weekend.
Planning has commenced.

I am more content with the world than I have been. I am working on getting better quality food into me, being much more strict about medication timing and eating with meds, and trying not to explode with anger or despair when I see something that displeases me. BURRITOS ARE MY FRIEND.

Suzanne was here!

Bathrooms are shiny again!

I decided yesterday was THE CARB BLOWOUT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE RANCID POMACE (PRONOUNCED POMICE).

I ATE half a chocolate bar and entire pack of scottish shortbread and half a box of cookies.

I also ate a very healthy refried bean burrito. I may reprise supper, with eggs.

I should feel like crap today having eaten like a galoot, but in fact I do not and I feel awesome.

However better food choices today.

ow

Poor Keith has had his first migraine. His migraines are pure pain that drugs don’t touch and light sensitivity – the classic. Not like me and my personality changes and auditory hallucinations!!!

Katie is very tired of being pregnant, but very much enjoying only having one child… so that’s fun.

Paul is about the same as always, but he’s seeing a therapist, which is great, because couples therapy was always super gross.

I still feel massively stuck and unreplenished, which is stupid, because I had a very good time last night in a painful way (we were talking about therapy, anger, parental and childhood experiences, and it got…. well how do you think discussions like this go? except we all stayed civil.) I cried of course but it wasn’t in response to anything the kids said, I just burst into tears describing the worst moment of my childhood. And I kept trying to stifle the tears and finally I grunted I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THIS.

Since mOm and pOp will be reading this with horror, it’s about the move to London, which (for an autie kid with trouble making friends meant that the entire cohort of public school kids I was supposed to go to high school with VANISHED and I walked alone at the age of 11 into a 2000 student high school although I never was schooled in a portable thank the living Christ) seriously messed me up for years. I am over it, but we were talking about childhood, and with Tom being so recently passed away I’m four seconds from tears at the best of times. I mean, normally I look at it from the parents’ perspective “EH wot can you DO ?” but this time I reexperienced it from my childish perspective and WHOOPPPPSy

Alex was playing in his room the whole time.

Jeff is SO GLAD he didn’t go for supper, although let me tell you brO Keith put on a helluva feast and there was PIE not PUMPKIN afterward.

Then I came home and practised for a while and started hacking around on a song.

Didn’t mean well
when I said those things
I’ve got a talent
for making sure it stings
It’s no cause for pride
I say sorry a lot
sometimes it seems
Spite is all that I’ve got

 

No Mike

Mike was sick. He never leaves his apartment, or so rarely that it’s like never, so he must have caught the ‘lurgy in the elevator. Not COVID symptoms.

Today I get my massage table back. It was on long term loan to someone from church. Yes, I know, stuff coming back in is WRONG but it’s going to end up at Caspell Junction since there’s more humans who need it there, so it’s going back out again.

Unless Jeff says different, we’re not handing out candy this Halloween. Diabetics shouldn’t buy candy, it’s just…. too extra.

@GrievingOgre on twitter if anyone cares.

Big slug of Indian food for breakfast, and I made coffee in our brand new french press.

 

muuuuuch better tks

A lovely woman named Tania, stepmom to a  plus sized 16 year old, just came to my door to fetch all my halloween costumes and cosplay stuff. It made a big bag and I hope the girl has a great time with it all.

an updated version of the craigslist FREE SHIT  ad:

I’m old and I’m dejunking. I’ll never wear this stuff again and I want a younger plus sized woman to have these and my family and friends aren’t very halloweenie. Please email me back and tell me why you want these awesome costume components between now and 8 pm Sunday the 10th October, and you may be the proud new owner of:

Blood red lab coat (originally men’s sizing I believe, it’s chonky)

a ‘peaceful villager’ costume from Stargate Atlantis picked up when the costume house on Boundary closed (unfortunately the tag fell off so I can’t prove it)

Pigskin suede pants, zipper closing, lined (these are worn and likely need drycleaning, size 16)

a Victorian style long beige skirt with elastic waist made by a local costumer, some wear

a dark green underbust corset with green ribbons made by a local costumer

brightly coloured pantyhose including tie dye

2 leis

a jingly scarf for belly dancing

a black and silver belt

BONUS HELLO KITTY BAG – how she will squeal when she sees it.

2 forearm cuffs in dark brown figured leather with red ribbons

an 18th century style men’s costume house jacket in red and black, very suitable for vampire costuming

a very sparkly MC/toastmistress style jacket in black velvet

Black mask

black lace fan

dark blue knee length hooded wool cloak with ribbon closure, made by a BC costumer, absolutely gorgeous but… moth holes. Patch or embroidery mending with flowers would be cute. People get the hell out of your way when you wear this.

special non clothing bonus – 3 sheets of Buffy the Vampire Slayer character stickers from 2003, postage stamp size

I’m 200 pounds and all of this fits me except the pants. No picking and choosing, take it all please. I don’t have a cell phone or a camera at the moment so sorry there’s no pics. Pick up at my place or I can drop it off if you’re close to Edmonds. Be creative with your response — I will enjoy it! Broke ass cosplayers represent!

 

and now it’s gone

 

And I have fulfilled my “bag or box a week outta my house to better digs” tickbox.

The punctuation from one of my novels (first 3500 words)

— — , , , , , , , , ‘ ‘ , , , ‘ ‘ , , , . ; – , , — — ‘ . ! — — . , . , – , – , , . , , , . , . ‘ , . , , ‘ – – , . . ‘ , , ‘ . , , , – , , , , — — – – – . , , . . , – , . , . ‘ , , , , , . ” , ” . , , , ‘ . ‘ ‘ . ? . ? ‘ ? ? ‘ ‘ . , , ‘ . , ‘ . , ‘ . . . , , . , , ‘ . , , . , . , . . . , . ‘ . — — . ‘ . ? ? . . . , . , ‘ . ‘ , , – . . , , ‘ ‘ ‘ – ‘ . ‘ , ‘ . ‘ . ‘ . ‘ , . . . . , . . . , . ‘ ‘ . , , . . , . ‘ ? ‘ ? ! . ‘ . , . , , , , . , , ‘ . , ‘ , . ? , ; , , ; , ; , . . , , . , . , , . , , , – , – – . , . , ‘ . , ‘ – , , . . , ‘ , . . , ; ‘ ‘ . ‘ . . ‘ , , ‘ , . , ‘ – , . : ( , ) , ) , , ) , ‘ . . , . . , . , , ‘ , , ‘ . ? ‘ – ‘ – – , ‘ , ‘ . ‘ , . , , , ‘ – , . , ‘ , . . , , ; , , ‘ . ‘ , ; , , ‘ , – – . , , , , ‘ . , . , , – . , ‘ . , – , . , , . ‘ , – . ” , . ” ” , , ” . . ” , . . . , . , ‘ , . . , , ‘ , ‘ . ” . , , . ‘ ‘ , ‘ . ‘ , ‘ , . , , . . , ” ‘ . ” ” , ‘ . ” ” , ‘ , ” . , . ” , . ” ‘ , ‘ . , , , . . ” , ” , . ” . ‘ , , ‘ , ‘ , ‘ . , , ‘ . , , , ‘ – . ‘ , ” , , . , , ” ‘ ‘ . ” . – . . : . . , ‘ ‘ , : ‘ ? ? ? . ‘ ‘ . / . : ” , ” . , , . – , , . – ; . ‘ . , , , . , , , . . , . ; . , . . , ” , . ” , , , ” . ” , ” , ‘ , , . ” ” , ” . ” . . , . ‘ , ‘ . ” . . ‘ – . , ; ‘ , . . , , . – , – , , – ‘ . , – , , . , . , , . , ‘ , , , ” . ” ” ‘ ; ‘ . ” ‘ . ” , ? ” ” . , . ‘ , ‘ , , . . , ‘ – . ” , ‘ . ” ‘ , ‘ ‘ . ” ” ‘ . . . — — , ‘ , ‘ , — — — — , ‘ , . . ‘ ‘ . ” ” , ” . , , . ” , . ” . ” . ‘ – , ‘ , , , — — ” , ” , ” , ” . ‘ – , ‘ , ‘ . ‘ – ‘ , . ” , – , ( ) . , , ‘ . ” , , — — , ‘ , ? ” ” ‘ ? , ‘ , , . , , ! . . ‘ – , . ” , ‘ ‘ ! .

hey i didnt close parentheses (later, nope, it’s punctuated properly)

care of https://just-the-punctuation.glitch.me/

biscotti and grief

Later this morning after Jeff’s conference call I’ll be taking Alex’s birthday present and some burnt almond biscotti (they are not burnt but they are definitely crispy) to Paul and Katie and Keith and Alex, and then I’ll mail a letter to my fOlks and then I’ll take biscotti (unburnt) to Peggy.

I put graphite in all the door locks except the garage door, I’ll try to remember that today. What a difference, phew!

I hope to do some more laundry today. I feel very stuffingless and sad and I’m trying really hard to give myself a shake and acknowledge my privileges but dang it’s hard right now.

Sad news

Tom died today – yesterday now. I wept briefly but now I just feel numb and my heart quails thinking of the weight the kids and Peggy are bearing.

I am so glad I went to see him that last time, he was close then and I made sure there was a little laughter in the room, and I played my uke for him. And I’m glad I didn’t go after that. Minutes are precious.

I have so many thoughts and they are all very good thoughts I’m sure but they never get very far, and even if they did they wouldn’t belong here.

He was a good, kind, funny, hardworking man and we may see him echoed in his children but his vices and his virtues will never be assembled in that way again, and it’s so fucking unfair I can’t tell you and I’m up way past my bedtime and I need to try to sleep again.

 

 

Ten year anniversary

On this day ten years ago, my first husband Phillip passed away in Toronto of complications of diabetes and kidney disease.

I think about him all the time but I don’t talk about him much. My last conversation with him was kindly, but very sobering. I saw what happened to a man who gets sick with a disease that requires a lot of management, but who has an executive dysfunction (like me, Phil had terrifically bad ADD, but only time has allowed me to look back and see it.) It’s easy to be drawn to someone who has the same bent and creative fire….

He was a remarkable man, and if he could forgive me for my cruelties, and I forgive him for his, I won’t beat myself up too hard for my failures in being his partner. I hope you’re listening to T. Rex playing new music and working on model cars, while wearing a special outfit covered with cats, wherever you are, Phil.

Not a single photo of him appears to survive on the easily searched part of the internet – I’m assuming there’ll be something on facebook, but I don’t attend there any more.

truncated day

After spending about three hours girding myself up mentally I got myself out the door to see Tom this am. He is thin as a rail and not greatly responsive. I have had my last exchange of words with him unless I am unduly fortunate.

The last thing he did for me was leave food on my porch.

Jeffrey C from Seattle came up to see him. There were already three rellies in Tom’s room when I arrived so I departed after giving him a very hearty and very sincere hug.

I was going to go to Brown’s after but I saw that there were taxis at the stand and said fck it I’m for home. We watched some TV and I ordered fish&chips from Cockney Kings.

Leaving the house is not psychologically easy.

Someone answered my ad for a cultural competence read and while they are a super awesome creative human being with great taste they are alas not what I’m looking for but he gave me some leads which was awesome.

Fantastic night of sleep

I slept almost 10 hours, which is fantastic.

Today the weather has turned cold and wet again, after a glorious day full of sunshine. Paul and I walked the Foreshore again yesterday, and while there were no interesting birds we heard a raven call repeatedly and the trails were almost deserted, which was pleasant.

I managed to squeeze out about four words on a fanfic about a brewpub owner who’s all butthurt about a review by a noted food critic. I find fanfics are a lot easier to write if you get how people make a living squared away first. I’ve only ever worked on one where everyone involved is in the film business and I absolutely love it ….and then story problemed my way into a big mess which I’m going to have to fix at some point before I can write an additional 10k and finish it, but I don’t have the energy. Now to talk myself into a trek down to the hospital to visit Tom. And also eat, I’m not particularly hungry.

Spoke to Katie on the phone and heard Alex in the background. All are well. Katie is still planning a homebirth. Jeff is off to the dentist… the day is begun.