So I’m sitting on the bus the other day and this guy gets on who looks just like Jesus. Totally Jesus, except the burlap tunic and the halo. I’m looking at him and thinking, sooner or later, everybody comes to Vancouver, so why not Jesus?
Then he pulls out a cell phone and I’m thinking, like, this can’t be Jesus, Jesus is in constant communication with everybody important, including me, except I don’t listen to that station any more, because I hate the ads.
You know, (sings a celestial note ‘aaah!’) “Where will you spend eternity? Get the Heavenly timeshare!” (sings a celestial note). I hate that ad. But the music isn’t bad, sometimes I listen to the music, especially when I can’t understand the words.
Anyway this guy who is obviously NOT Jesus starts talking to somebody on the phone and you know how you can always tell when a guy is talking to his mother on the phone?
Within seconds I know he’s talking to his mother, and I’m leaning forward, because if this IS Jesus, I have a couple of questions for his mom, you know, as a feminist and all. I wanna make sure I talk to her before he hangs up because I likely won’t get another chance. As I’m listening I realize they are discussing him going to some place in Burnaby to look at a long term care facility for his dad.
And now I’m really freaked out, because if this is Jesus, he’s talking about putting his dad in a home. How would you prevent God from wandering if you DID put him in a home?
The poor security guard – Hey — you with the beard, get back here.
I have a really short attention span. I’ve only driven away from my kids twice though, and once my husband was in the car so I had somebody to blame.
I know everybody complains about their spouse’s driving but hubby is the only driver I know who can get the airbags to go off when he’s changing lanes. He said What? What? I did a shoulder check!
By applause, who hates it when comics ask for an audience response by saying things like “By applause, who likes Celine Dion?” or “By applause, who likes blowing cops to avoid speeding tickets?” I hate that by applause thing. It’s a stupid ploy to get the audience to connect to you. You don’t WANT to connect with me, I might borrow something, like your ID. No, you want to maintain a respectful distance, and right now you should check your purse. I love this part, because there’s always one OCD gal who hears those magic words and checks her purse. Ha ha! This joke’s for you.
I’ve given up on buying clothes that fit. I’m just looking for clothes that don’t make me look like Rita McNeil. In a high wind.
Driving in this town has brought me closer to God than my sex life ever has.
Why, I am constantly calling upon the Lord, either to save my ass or to smite the living shit out of the clown parade we call traffic.
I’m sorry, that was mean to the clowns.
And I can’t call drivers in this town assholes because some of my best friends are assholes, and my friends can get behind the wheel of a car without becoming a menace to public safety.
Where are the bad drivers’ heads at? I think I figured it out. They live in the CARTOON UNIVERSE. Yes indeed, these people think that gravity and inertia and acceleration rates just DON’T APPLY TO THEM. So there’s all these people driving around who think that a ton and a half of car can go from 60 to zero in a car length, because their idea of reality came from a Warner Brothers cartoon.
The schools are failing us. They should have math story problems like, if you rear end somebody in a school zone because you’re following too close, how many teeth will you have left after the guy you rear ended punches you out? Goodnight, you’ve been wonderful.
