In which I commit poetic analysis

There is a social media platform called Nextdoor.

I participate under my real name.

The below-shown paragraph is a networking opportunity ad run by and purportedly written by Josh Kepkay, a realtor in MST country. He’s spent a bomb on SEO and if anyone’s ever complained about his business practices it doesn’t poke through in the results.

On June 15th I am launching this monthly membership-based business networking group. The inaugural event will be both a trial run and discovery meeting where after a session of facilitated networking in the basement of Vancouver’s best beer venue, The Alibi Room, we will move into a private loft space on the 3rd floor of the same building where we can enjoy an incredibly well tailored space, great views of Gastown and a catered dinner. After the meal, a facilitated discussion on the aims of the group diving into our plans going forward and finding out how best to incorporate the goals and perspectives of our members. We have spent much of the last month crafting an incredible evening out for the business community, and I can’t wait to share with the leaders and business people of Vancouver. If this sounds interesting to you, please feel free to reach out and talk to me about the event, or learn more/register using the QR code or the Eventbrite page below!

Hi I’m a realtor trying to drive people who can afford housing in Vancouver into an indoor unmasked space while Sars-COVID, protesters carrying nooses, and monkeypox stroll about our thoroughfares.

It’s a catered dinner because well can’t you fucking guess, I’m trying to make money, not spend it and there’s this whole ‘membership’ odour which is there to assure people who are genuinely rich that riffraffwillnotbeseated.

An incredibly well-tailored space? Jesus fucking Christ, is that what they’re calling a restaurant these days in which you have to be a hard 8+ to be front of the house? Why is it that I’m pulling an expression from my previously published fanfic to express my ire? Is it because those are the words I use to enact my truths? Grunt.

Or is the committee that vaped this aboveblockquoted paragraph of anti-christ-like mush-drivel barf-singularity into existence actually referencing carpets and wallhangings? Because ‘tailored’ is a word that implies ‘fit’ so are you heinous mudskipping moneyhunters saying it’s cramped as fuck but with rich furnishings it’s ‘cosy’? I mean I’ve seen cramped restaurants in this town, ones in which you cried for the hips of the servers. Is that what you’re talking about, when the servers are sinuous but only because they’re already a mess of bruises?

Let me veer back into the first sentence of this afterbirth-encrusted atrocity upon communication; let me move like Paul Bunyan on snowshoes toward my newly identified foe. For you are my enemy, you demonic stabber in the kidney of English!! Your words are full of loathsome assumptions, perilous chasms between you and the people you live among, and you are a superposition of smug awareness and literal unawareness, Schrödinger’s estate agent. “Monthly membership based” are you charging admission or saying you want to know where your… uh… marks? I guess?? live? There’s a roster? a club motto? but this first meeting is a trial run?

Alcohol is involved. Conviviality MUST BE ASSUMED. But will there be a CO2 meter to indicate what your odds are of catching COVID?

“We have spent much of the last month crafting an incredible evening out for the business community,” – I ask you, what does this mean? did they bust out the Mod Podge? WAS THERE GLITTER? Come now, CONFESS. How do you craft something out? Did you change verbs in midsentence, you hircine bleat of whatever comes of a committee with no arbiter or a narcissist with no beta reader?

Anyway, I thought of posting this on Nextdoor, but this is the site I’m paying for, so if I’m going to be this obnoxious I can fucking well pay for the privilege.

by the way, Mr. Kepkay, since you seem the type to google yourself, this is protected speech

You can of course ask me to take this down, but that would just mean that you don’t know who Barbra Streisand is.

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Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

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