oh how am I to speak the truth with love to you

otherwise known as the story of my fucking life

I initiated contact with a loved one, I got what I deserved. I am a sadder and wiser person. I have cried more tears, but that’s okay. You have to be alive to cry.

I reached out to other loved ones. Both responded more or less instantly, helps that it’s midday Sunday, I guess. They got a hand under me apiece with their soft words and kindness and then I told, hopefully briefly enough, the source of my woes to Jeff. I tried to watch March Madness with him but I’m too fidgety.

Please be nice to the people you love by asking them what constitutes nice for them. And then… behaving that way. You can’t be nice to a person who interprets your every breath as hostile.

I have a headache from crying and I need to stop looking at a screen but between that word and this I’ve put in 812 words on my novel. Watching history repeat itself is so hard, but being history is worse.

Wrote a letter to Lois.

I’m going to have the last of Mike’s congee, watch an Elementary with Jeff and CRASH.

on learning that Rush Limbaugh had departed this world

Speak nothing but good of the dead? I shall certainly oblige you in this instance, goodsir, most directly, by ejaculating: “He’s dead? good!”

 

I have to add, because I am a fucking asshole, that he leaves no children to grieve him, so either he was sterile or the women he married were smart enough not to breed with him. Sometimes a heavy hearted world catches a break.

I release myself

I hereby release myself from having to do weekly anything posts (I will when I feel like it), and all I’m going to concentrate on, since I’m doing OK not great, is posting tunes… and I did that today so progress has been made. Also, I think I have within me a much more detailed guitar accompaniment for Sisyphus.  Also I fired off the entire chapter Best Roommate in the World with a teaser for The Three of Us   … being the next chapter … to mOm. I’ve been writing a lot.

Jeff is helping me with my taxes again, which is really great, I only waited two years this time.

There’s a lot of snow. Jeff has dealt with it so far. I will look at it in the morning to see if my shovelling skills are required.

What, another lazy day

I continue to plug away at pre-posts on the blog. I am sleeping rather more and rather harder than I normally do, so maybe it’s a bug – not much sign of it – or maybe I’m just blue. I definitely feel better than I did at the beginning of the week.

Posted another fic on AO3. It was within 500 words of being finished so I polished and removed “wait, what?”s and added clarifications and removed extraneous words and synced up all the spellings and got rid of the britishisms and added the americanisms and shrank Dean’s spoken vocabulary (absolutely essential if you want the character voice to work properly) & ensured that you always knew who was speaking; now it’s sitting at 50 hits and 4 kudos. There’s character death in it so it’ll never be as popular as ‘le big one’.

tired now, think I’ll snooze

 

nice nap now  flower rolls

really not great

My mental health is as bad as it’s been in years. I won’t talk about the repetitive thoughts, the existential dread, the total sludginess, my disordered eating, how fucked and excessive my sleep is. Instead I’ll mention how happy  I am that Jeff ran that dishwasher this morning.  No crying though – that’s a blessing. I hate crying.

I will continue to work on posting songs.

Barry has written – he got two handwritten letters in one day, one from me and one from Mary. I laughed out loud when I read that. Only laugh I’m likely to get today.

I’m hoping picking up some books at the library will provide me with some lift, but right now I feel like rocketship 9 … looks fine, fails to light two engines, crashes…. but in my case, it’s not even a spectacular memorable crash, it’s just February, the light levels, the regular thing. AND STILL NO WORD ABOUT THE EEG I’m twisting in the wind here.

Fuck the deleted at Royal Columbian Hospital

this is a big jolly fuck you to the health records department at RCH who have now been holding up me getting the final administratium stone in place for treating a lifelong health condition
 
WHY YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS SO HARD
I call them, I call my Dr.’s office, I call them, I call my Dr.’s office, I call them, I call my Dr.’s office, and fuck them, seriously.
And this is why adults with ADD don’t get diagnosed and treated; you have to be a responsible adult with a support system and funny thing about that.
UPDATE JAN 29TH rrrffrrrrr it was actually the neurologist HASN’T READ IT YET so I now have spoken to everyone involved in this cluster barring the neuro and so it’s all HIS fault.

I will not be buying this software today

open this image in a new screen to embiggen

When you go to the checkout (SchedulePress individual, on sale for $39 now!) and this appears, do you back away slow? or do you back away fast, take a snapshot, and then send it to customer support because you’re a dirty great cow!?

Yes, I went for option 2. (Later, no, I didn’t bother. My classic laziness reasserted itself.)

I guess I AM REALLY PISSED OFF about how within two seconds of my having installed it they were bugging me to review it. SO I DID I gave it a good review, not five stars because I haven’t used it all, but it looked good so…

Now every other day I’m being asked to review the software, and every other day I type in “I already reviewed it,” so

candidly

I think this is the kind of thing I’m allowed to whine about.

And since the iteration I have is free, I need to find another kind of software. brO it was a great suggestion and I was using it, but this is… suboptimal

power failures

3 in one 24 hour period. Killed one of Jeff’s router power supplies. Resetting clocks over and over. Power failures feel weird now; like we’re prepping for the big one, like civil unrest is ‘about’.

Funny tale of waking up: I tossed my fluffy hoody into a laundry hamper but when I woke up this morning it looked like a sandworm head coming out of the floor and I almost squawked in terror.

Biscotti in oven for Tom. I cleaned the racks and wiped down the interior of the oven, it’s started to smell oily and smoky. Soon, Time Team (we’re in the last season unhappy sigh) and running the dishwasher and the rest of the day gets underway.

Total word count 9189 on Best Roommate. In this latest bit, Amorfo came to pick up the sproing and scared the living shit of Keegan.

Watched the movie Synchronic. I liked it – there are some visuals that were quite striking and the basic concept is interesting. It is a B movie – very earnest and low key. The final shot has an element of ambiguity, but it also contains friendship, which is kind of the point. Anthony Mackie is quite good.

I blew an incredible kazoo solo this morning. I can only ask an intemperate universe that Jeff had his gd headphones on.

still no eeg results

I’ll call the clinic again next Monday. Many things slow down over the festive season so even though it was supposed to be ready it probably isn’t, yet.

You know Hudson & Rex is a terrible advertisement for St. John’s, right? One percent of the population is Black and that’s not how the show demographics works…. also…. you know that they have like a murder a year and so in the first episode they blow through the murder rate like theysa going backwards.

Georgia turned blue, but it was the rest of us holding our breath. FUCK MITCH MCCONNELL.

While I’m in the mood, FUCK AIR CANADA.

If that link disappears, it’s to a story claiming that Air Canada is sending influencers on holiday to sunny places to pad their advertising budgets during A GODDAMNED PANDEMIC ….I mean I knew they were slimy bastids but that’s low.

Buns dough is in the bread-maker. I really am fine with never eating white bread again if I can have yummy brown bread buns fresh out of the oven within 2 hours of conceiving the notion.

In 774 AD the biggest coronal mass ejection in 10k years hit the earth. (Per Phil Plait the Bad Astronomer.) If the same thing hit the earth today satellites would plummet, the grid would fail, the internet would fly up its own asshole and choke and it would be weeks in many places and years in others before the power came back on. So thank your lucky stars you only live in an earthquake zone, lol

I’ll be wandering over to Planet Bachelor later today.

Letters to two Daves in the mail today. pOp’s getting a very big sketch of Baby Yoda.

No progress on UPSUN.

Two Daves

Two letters written but not posted today; it’s a Two Dave day.

Jeff’s just asked me to go downstairs and watch a Time Team. Hope it’s something Saxon or Roman. L8r Nope, medieval and Tudor. But really interesting if you’re crazy about remodelling castles for successive waves of improvements in warfare, boom goes the gunpowder.

Alex was here recently and I’m just remembering him being happy about getting a tube shot on the Xenon game and it made me happy in consequence.

Buster was past damp into dripping wet, and filthy when he came back in this morning…. must be horrible to have to clean that crap off with your teeth and mouth blech.

Indian food delivered last night. I was very happy with the quality and quantity for the price. It’s a new place (8 months?)  that does pizza and Desi food Pasifika style, which is like, so Vancouver, it hurts.

Chuck Yeager, RIP. His autobiography is most entertaining.

Letter from Onty Mary, and I’m so glad she enjoyed the paper art I put in with a recent letter, that was cheering.

Today has been set aside for One Grim Task. I do not want this task. I do not want the cascade of tasks that will flow from this One Grim Task. I AM DISGUST, SON.

It’s 10:20 in the morning and I am still not nerved up for this gd task. I am actually hitting the old moral GPS for a recalc from my new position and fuck me if it’s not taking a bit longer than any reasonable person might expect. What is it that a reasonable person following Stoic principles might expect? I said I’d write first PHEW AN OUT, I HAVE AN OUT.

With that I must now turn my attention to the real writing I need to do today, otherwise known as Quarantine Porn. And that works whether I’m talking about the UPSUN universe or my rapidly-winding-down interest in writing porny Supernatural fanfic. (Not all of it’s porn, some of it’s just fluff.)

And if I’m not going to write that, I have to go back out into the kitchen and either work some more on The Dark Book – current section is “the Calendar” and it’s fucking MOLOCH this and MOLOCH that, as he drives his diesel dick through history and messes us all up, it’s just standard issue eschatology schlock, that’s part of the point of the poem though, disjointing the specifically English language over and past and through its various levels of inanity, legalism and perverse vagueness through to a new horrific understanding about what ‘end times’ actually means for the people living through it, and you are among those people, and what the hell is this poem anyway (this last aside for my parents, who have long since given up on trying to understand what it is I’m babbling about and reached this question much earlier) – or work on my master grocery list, and I finally figured how I can get what my grocery list looks like in my head to my actual grocery list that I use every week and reinforces how I visualize and operate in the world, but I haven’t done it yet. So I have work to do to advance this project, which will assist me cognitively as my brain declines and I’m still shopping, and which may have applications for other seniors and TBI sufferers. (I certainly wasn’t able to find anything like it on line.) So yeah, projects, in order, depending on what I’m up for mood and skill wize.

Yup, I’m going to wander off and reconfigure my reality right now, be back in a day for an update or sooner if something interesting happens.

One last thing, the ‘writing light’ in the kitchen died and I asked for help from Jeff  (my shoulder’s frozen…. that was weird, realizing it) and he touched the apparently dead compact fluorescent and it illuminated and it made me think of pOp. Also Jeff is quietly amazing, the best kind.

Letters, writing, practice, things to do

Wrote two letters, one to mOm and one to tOm, lol. Haven’t posted them yet. One of them has a fake get well card in it (SORRY TO HEAR YOU’RE FUCKIN’ POORLY it says) and the other has a snowflake which if you look very carefully is extremely non standard although it is roughly hexagonal. (There’s a very funny and extremely accidental design in the middle.)

I’m thinking of posting a song a day for a year. I have written enough songs to do that. It would be a horrific thing to take on, but I’m never going to be BETTER at singing and playing, now’s the time to do it if at all. I await a sign from the ancestors that this is a good idea. I will commence in January if I hear back from them.

Romain Grosjean has given his first interview since the crash. It’s remarkable for a couple of things, apart from his sunny gratitude for making it through one of the most horrifying and spectacular crashes in F1 history with no more than burns on his hands and ankles. One is that he admits that he was wrong to whinge about the “Halo” when it was instituted in 2018; the other is that he completely normalizes how YOU SHOULD GET PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP AFTER TRAUMA. None of this shit about gutting it out. He was weeping in the rescue car after the accident (he was burned and had broken several bones) and thank you Romain for being a human being and not endorsing toxic masculinity or trying to hide that when bad shit happens, humans need help. Also, he is one of the few humans to have survived a 53G impact and he crawled 18 seconds later (they’re trained to detach from plugs and harness in 9 seconds) from the FIREBALL of wreckage with a broken foot (the doc didn’t want him to walk but he thought it was important for the fans that he get to the rescue car under his own power and MAN WAS HE RIGHT because our relief when we saw him emerge from that inferno cannot be limned in words). Yay Halo.

@prisonculture sez CYNICISM ISN’T GENERATIVE

pleasant day

Walk in the neighbourhood with Paul, walked the yard to pick up trash, a little bit of laundry, roasted chicken breasts with leftover veg, practice, working on The Dark Book, the new poem/apocalyptic scripture of MOLOCH. Unfortunately I didn’t get to sleep until after one am and it’s now 8:30 so up I git.

And I lied about talking about Supernatural’s unnatural death zero, no more, etc. At least it’s below the cut.

Continue reading pleasant day