Comedy writing is hard

I hate my metabolism. I am the only person I know who can gain weight in her sleep. My husband says it’s because I keep waking up in the fridge.

REMOVED IN 2019 BECAUSE RACIST, HOLY SHIT

Much Buffyverse last night. Things are humming right along. A coworker says when that’s all done I have to see Firefly. I’m game. We’ve spent more quality family time since Christmas than we did the entire previous year. And no commercials; although it does make it interesting, the wrestling match for the remote when somebody wants to take a whiz or grab a bite or (as is actually more likely) the verdammt phone rings again. And again. And again.

We got a whole 6 hours of sleep last night. Without waking up. No biggee to you maybe, but it seems like we’re finally coming out of the slough of insomnia. Pic is something random.

Magic of karaoke

Pic is another one of Katie. Can’t get over how pretty she is; I have difficulty believing, these days, that I spawned her, but I do have a clear recollection of the event and the sequelae.

The planet sized coincidence that I referenced earlier, and could not talk about at the time, came to the Karaoke bar last night. I have now been in more interesting positions than the Kama Sutra, and usually without resorting to sex.

If anybody cares, I sang Norman Greenbaum’s Spirit in the Sky and Talking Heads’ cover version of Al Green’s Take me to the River. I hit most of the notes. My performance, if such it can be called, of Spirit in the Sky was rendered doubly agonizing by the dj pulling the plug on the power halfway through the song so I had to do it all again. People insisted! It was very funny. Karaokus interruptus can be a good thing I suppose.

Paul performed very creditably on Billy Joel’s You May be Right, (and he sure got a LOT of guys singing along with him) and then was horrified to learn that, due to the magic of Digital Signal Processing, he could have picked a different key. His lower lip protruded, trembling, for a moment, but he resolved to do better next time and has started compiling a list of songs he wants to do. I don’t even know what key I’d pick if I could, since I don’t read music. I just play guitar and invent songs and open my mouth and hope I don’t sound too much like the congress of a banshee and a rock crusher.

Props to Sabrina, who sounded bleeping awesome doing Van Halen fer gosh sakes. Found out that New York New York would have gone over well.

Did you know that Karaoke was actually invented in Taiwan? I don’t know whether to commend the occupants of that tiny hardworking island nation (screw the mainland, the Taiwanese ARE different) or commend them to the new subdivision going up in Hell.

One of my former coworkers, Neena, was there with a bunch of folks from Creo. Neena, not that you’re likely to read this, but your hunktastic boyfriend has a superb butt.

We closed the bar. I want you to know that it’s been at least 10 years since I closed a bar.

Mike sang Space Oddity and Tori sang Over the Rainbow and Angel by Sara McLaughlin. Note to self. Never do quiet tunes for Karaoke. It’s not worth it. The raucous songs do better with the crowd.

And what, pray tell, was the golden maraschino on top of the evening? They had LIONS WINTER ALE on TAP. We ordered two pitchers, which between 4 people isn’t much, and it was exactly the right amount for a good time and still be able to drive home. And what was the angel on the tree? We called Katie, whom we had dropped off at Janna’s, and she wanted to come home, so we fetched her.

I have a tremendous headache today, but no spinal involvement, so it isn’t a hangover. I get headaches when I scream, or sing loud. I did a LOT of screaming and singing loud last night.

Props to the guy from Creo who sang Oops I did it Again. We laughed until we cried. And to the guy who channeled Jim Morrison doing Love me Two Times, a simple ZOW will suffice.

hit the road Jack

 

Modern Drunkard reports that Jack Daniels Old No. 7 has had the alcohol content reduced twice over the last several years, while the company maintains the fiction that they continue to manufacture it in accordance with tradition. I am now a signatory to the boycott. Some of the boycott comments are quite amusing.

You are also invited to read (on the same site) the disquisition on alcohol and Star Trek.

So that bottle of Jack which we are very slowly finishing off will definitely be our last. Keith will be horrified.

Katie in B&W

Katie has started taking black and white pix, example included. It is absolutely bucketing rain here and it will continue during the entire weekend. The ground is already saturated so I definitely don’t want to be going anywhere today that involves experiencing the outdoors. This is a drag as I had actually hoped to go for a walk this weekend. I may settle for trekking down to the pool.

Riverbend posted again. There’s no water where she is in Baghdad, but Allawi’s henchmen have been handing out election flyers, which she promptly put in the bottom of a birdcage.

A mental health professional working in Indonesia says that now that the immediate crisis is over – and they are STILL recovering 300 bodies a day in Aceh – the mental health crisis will be of such proportions as to beggar description. He expects the death toll to top 300,000 and gives full marks to the Indonesian government for everything they’ve done and how they’ve mobilized (although I imagine he HAD to say that if he wanted to keep working there).

Shout out to everybody who supported Paul and me with phone calls during the whole nasty are you or are you not laid off crap.

Hilarious story from work yesterday, wish I could post it. Let’s just say it involves ‘thinking out of the box’. Still wanna smack the landlord.

I’d like to order a concrete toilet

Hello, I’d like to order a concrete toilet.

Well, actually, no, it’s not for me.

It’s for my pet elephant.

No, seriously.

You see, I rescue elephants….

No, seriously. I rescue elephants, and I am getting really tired of cleaning up after them. Do you know how much elephants eat? Do you want to know? Well, I’ll keep it simple, a lot.

That’s right, and they poop a lot too. Eat a lot, poop a lot, that’s the law of the universe. Now elephant poop is great stuff, in its place, but when you’ve got 20 elephants in one pen….

Yeah, it gets to be, like, pyramids o’ poop everywhere. So we all brainstormed, and we figured if you can train an elephant to dance, and to paint, and to pick up an egg without breaking it, why the hell not get a little housetraining action going. So it doesn’t need to be anything fancy, just — well, STRONG. Elephants are not small, and it needs to be BIG…Sure, I’ll hold. Hm Hm. That’s funny, I’ve never heard Baby Got Back on hold before.

Yeah, I’m still here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So when Roy in Quotes quits laughing long enough to do some work, he’ll call me back with a price? Awesome. You guys are great. Oh, and get me volume pricing, I think this is gonna catch on like wildfire at zoos.

lucky Paul

He got to listen to me snore last night. Normally this wouldn’t even deserve comment, but he enjoyed it EVEN MORE than usual since he had not had the opportunity in four nights, since he was working nights.

36 hours to Karaoke. I have never done that. I wanted to say I had done it once. Unlike some of the other things I have done once, I can actually talk about it in my blog. A full report on Sunday.

Must control urge to talk about work. I am very angry about something right now, but it has nothing to do with my job or my boss or my customers or my coworkers. I am very very very cheesed with the landlord, and anybody who works there knows EXACTLY why.

Here is one of the gags I wrote for my Comedy Class.

You know those two actors from Nip and Tuck, the plastic surgery show? Women are walking up to them and flashing their breasts at them – you know, wanting a professional opinion. They must be really happy they aren’t playing proctologists. …..on the other hand, they’re in talks to play gynecologists in their next show.

Much more Buffyverse. Got through the episode in which Buffy’s roommate is a demon. One gets the intense suspicion that all of the Buffyverse is a perverse form of therapy for an incredibly miserable and grotesque educational experience. Works for me. I did not know how bad it was at the time.

I really wish I could repeat the funniest line I heard last night but I’m sure my colleague will be using it at the showcase at the Laughing Bean on February 11th and 18th, hint bloody hint.

Pic is from Burning Man, finally. Cam told me where the pics were elsewhere on the web. Credit Cam, obliviously.

what’s what

Came home last night and went straight to sleep, feeling rather out of sorts. Got up to let Paul feed me a small collation and then see him out the door. Felt disinclined to move, so ended up watching a couple of episodes of B5 (Carol sez, what’s B5? Babylon 5, a sci fi episodic drama from some years back); it gave me the shivers, watching ‘earth security’ being used as a tool to crack down and arrest ‘enemies’ not of earth but various factions. Looked intensely like what’s going on right now, in fact despite the incredibly cheesy cgi (C’est FROMIDABLE) it’s eerily prescient in many ways.

Staggered off to bed and got up at 6 and did dishes.

My phone arrived. Katie wants to steal it, and I told her she could use it if she smartened up about some health related things. I am now the most evil heartless bitch on the planet, but soubriquets like that only count if dished out by people who aren’t family members, so all I did was howl with laughter. I almost posted my new phone number; anyway, let me know if you want it via email and I’ll send it along.

Read some more in the Skeptical Feminist. I can really see why her analysis provoked howls of outrage in the movement; however I can now proudly wear the colours of an egalitarian feminist and have put radical feminism aside as being impractical, at least until all those lesbians take the right to bear arms seriously. Once those gals get going the right will take flight. See you at the gun club, chaps! A civil society is an armed society and vicey voicey. I am going straight to hell but I am reliably informed that a LOT of my friends are going with me.

jurisprudence in Tennessee

This one’s for you pOp. Have fun. This will undoubtedly have those nasty HTML crappies in it, but I’m in a hurry, as usual.

MEMPHIS, Tennessee (AP) — Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it the “jury pool from hell.”

The group of prospective jurors was summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.

Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left, announcing, I’m on morphine and I’m higher than a kite.

When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.

Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. ‘I should have known something was up,’ he said. ‘She had all her teeth.’

Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury: ‘In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you’re probably guilty.’ He was not chosen.

The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother’s girlfriend in the face with a brick. Ballin’s client was found not guilty.

Mt St Helens

Mt. St Helens with attendant lenticular cloud. Just in case you hadn’t understood before, I REALLY LIKE lenticular clouds. My mother will remember a remarkable trip along the escarpment, as we travelled from Toronto to London, during which we saw more lenticular clouds in one day than I have seen over the rest of my life, including one classic ‘cigar’ that looked like it was hanging from the sky, one classic ‘UFO’ INCLUDING porthole windows (we saw that one up on the escarpment proper), and some amazing ‘Japanese character’ clouds.

oracular

The Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffett, is alleged to have remarked that the US dollar can continue to do nothing but slide if the trade deficit and budget deficit continues to look so godawful. Check out also copvcia.com today; the debt drag on the dollar is assisted by energy costs, which are not triggering inflation (yet…) but are slowing global demand.

Americans are supposed to be pleased that the low dollar will mean more tourists. I don’t think so. I think it would be foolish to think that more Europeans and Japanese will want to visit the US no matter how low the dollar sinks.