Month: March 2011

In which I candidly admit I have nothing else less controversial to talk about.

My name is Miss Margot.  I am a tortoiseshall Persian of champion stock.  I was delivered by Caesarean section on December 13, 2009 and named after the veterinary tech who assisted in my delivery.  My face is very flat but I do have a tiny little nose.  I actually have a tiny little everything, except attitude and fur.  I weigh about 6 pounds and have very short legs, so Uncle Eddie makes me look very tiny.

The first time Eddie saw me he barfed.  He really doesn’t have much use for me, but I love him, and love licking his butt while he’s eating.  He will growl and eat at the same time which is very cute.  He gets the top tier of the cat tree, because he is old and wise and crabby. Sometimes I follow him around outside but mostly I stay indoors.  Allegra wasn’t supposed to allow me to be an outdoor cat but she thinks me going outside will help prevent me from getting fat.  I also like looking at birds.  Someday I will catch one.  I don’t think I will ever catch a rat, although I like the ones Eddie brings in.

I love paper and plastic bags…. the way they sound, and how they feel.  I especially like how plastic bags crinkle.

I like food a lot.  I eat the same thing for breakfast and supper, and sniff other things but don’t eat them.  I hate car rides and people sneezing.  I like Jeff because he feeds me and has many interesting things on his desk which sound great when I push them off onto the floor.  Catnip is okay I guess.

I have a number of cat toys, and it is my sad duty to report that Allegra does not play with me enough.  I prefer toys with feathers on them.

I like watching people do things.  It seems insane to me that anybody would expend any effort to do anything but eat sleep stare and groom, but humans are, candidly, morons.

I am not a lap cat.  I like being near, but not on people.  I’m not a big fan of being picked up, either.

I enjoy live music.  Eddie hates it and runs away, but I’ll sit close by, grooving along quietly.

I usually make an entrance if Jeff and Allegra have people over.  I come around and sniff everybody once to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

I like sitting on the back deck watching the world go by.  In the summer I like crossing the alleyway to see what’s happening over there.  I also wait to hear the sound of people’s cars coming and greet them at the door they come through because that’s polite.  Also, treats.  You never know what’s in that bag.

I extremely very much hate baths, even though when I can’t get the dingleberries off it’s the only way to go.  I get giant economy sized dingleberries, but fortunately not very often.

I love malt extract even though it’s good for me and helps me get rid of all that hair.  Sometimes Eddie comes and shoves me out of the way when Allegra gives me some so he can get some too, and I think that’s rude.  But I just stare at him; he’s twice my size and grumpy.

I don’t mew very much, but I have hundreds of other vocalizations including snuffling and munching, slurping while cleaning myself, quacking like a duck when I’m annoyed or have just exercised, snoring when I sleep, and wailing softly while Allegra brushes me.  I hate being brushed.  Fortunately it’s over really fast.  I also hate having my claws trimmed and immediately sharpen them again on Jeff’s bed.  He tells me not to but I ignore him.  He calls me Muffers and picks me up and tells me my bum smells.

My favorite tv show is Stargate Universe. As soon as I hear the theme song I come watch it.  I especially love the blue flashes out the windows and the space battles.  I also like Nascar races and my head whips back and forth as the cars go by. Sometimes I watch other shows for as much as ten minutes at a time before I get bored.

I don’t like dogs.  The dog next door, Creamy, really wants to meet me but my dance card is full.

I hate it when the bathroom attendant isn’t on the ball. It’s better in the summer, I hardly ever pee indoors in the summer.  I like sitting under the deck and getting covered in weird guck and then making somebody else clean me up.  I am a little better at grooming myself when I was a kitten; back then I’d lick myself once, see the scale of the job and then give up.

I hate the blue rug in Jeff’s bathroom. I don’t know why, but it gives me the willies.  He thinks it’s because it feels weird under my feet.

I don’t mind having my eye gunk cleaned off as long as Allegra keeps it snappy.  I can breathe and smell better afterwards and my skin doesn’t get as irritated.  She can go through ten Qtips, both ends, cleaning me up.  I super extremely hate having my ears cleaned and make a noise like an air raid siren anytime she tries.  I don’t understand why she can’t be more like Jeff, who feeds me and pets me and doesn’t poke and prod and pull at me.

Anyway, that’s enough about me, I am bored now.  Please don’t respond in kind; I have no interest in anybody but me, and possibly Eddie and Jeff and Allegra.