My filking buddy Andrew, who goes by Miles Vorkosigan on facebook, read or pretended to read a book that would allow you to write better horror.
The book made him facepalm. So he decided to write a trashy horror novelists description of a facepalm, and then got carried away and did multiple versions. I hope you enjoy this cascade of awful as much as I did, because I laughed until I sprang a rib. Since I didn’t write this, copyright belongs to Andrew.
ABOMINATIONS OF HUMAN ENDEAVOUR: Before reading this book: “Face, meet palm.”
After reading this book:
My palm described a perfect arc as it rushed towards my face.
There was an audible CLAP as my palm struck my face.
I felt a sharp stab of pain, every bit as intense as the emotional pain I felt from reading this link, as I struck my own face with my palm.
Before my face even had time to brace for the impact, my palm was upon it.
My palm swished through the air and landed with a dull, sickening thud across my face.
It was like that legendary baseball game back in ’42, when Babe Ruth hit the winning run right out of the park–only instead of the final, inexorable crack of the bat hitting the ball, it was the final, inexorable crack of my palm meeting my face.
My palm struck my face with all the impact of a Mack Semi, having left Chicago heading east at 2:pm at 60 mph, colliding with a freight train that left Cleveland heading west at 1 p.m. travelling 80 mph.
Out there, in the darkness, something *watched* me facepalm myself.
My palm was out there at the end of my arm, mocking me. “Mi-yuls”, it seemed to say, “Here I am, Mi-yuls! And I’m coming to GET you! You know you lose control over me when you read something breathtakingly stupid enough—you always do. And now it’s party time. I’m coming for your face. And I’m hard. Hard and calloused from that workout this morning. And sweaty too. Get ready, Mi-yuls, for the mother of all facepalms!”
Once again…. this is Andrew’s, but really I think it belongs to the world.