After the cut….
1: And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead.
Okay, back to the Bible. So, I’m peaking on acid, or the brain chemistry equivalent, and some dude is dictating letters to me. They are full of figurative language, but the gist of it is there’s a storm a-brewing, and we’re due for some serious restructuring.
2: Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God.
So get going on your pastoral work, guys.
3: Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.
Keep a lookout, because I really believe in management by walking around.
4: Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.
Aw, Jebus, give us a break; we all got diarrhea from those stupid donairs at the last team building meeting!
5: He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.
So now you’re telling me that only the folks who ran out and got Pepto-Bismol get to walk with God? I demand a recount!
6: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
After those donairs the Spirit was moving a lot of wind around, but I can’t say we were uplifted by the message.
7: And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;
I just fucking hate it how managers always take the credit for everything, when we do all the work.
8: I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.
Finally! A little recognition!
9: Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.
There’s that synagogue of Satan thing again. God, if you exist outside of time, couldn’t you have phrased this a little better? Maybe the transcriber was showing that circumcized/uncircumcized prejudice thing that was such a downer for the early church. Anyway, the good news is that management is going to praise us and kick those other guys in their lazy butts, and they’ll have to applaud during the awards banquet. Sweeet!
10: Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth.
Something tells me that I won’t be able to expense the peeler bars any more.
11: Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
See, I’m beginning to like this manager. He’s warning us not to trust anybody, including him.
12: Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name.
Sounds like tenure to me. Sweet! I get to stay in one place and get a new name plate on my desk. This travelling on business was really starting to piss me off!
13: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
Yeah, yeah, listen up, I get it.
14: And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God;
Okay am I listening to God here, or just some really weird God-avatar?
15: I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
You like your beer frosty and your coffee hot. I get that! Well, the coffeepot’s on the fritz and we won’t have proper refrigeration for another 1800 years, so, like, sorry dude.
16: So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.
Eew.
17: Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:
Yeah, and every time contemporary Christians give me the gears about how “God wants you to have nice things” I have the PERFECT RESPONSE now. I’ll just tell them they are wretched, miserable, poor, blind and naked; spiritually anyway, which I’ve never noticed to slow anybody down when they were licking the last morsels out of the collection plate.
18: I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see.
Jebus, don’t tell me that YOU TOO are into multilevel marketing? I gotta buy gold, clothes and eyewash from you? I am assuming I get to be a diamond level distributor…..
19: As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.
So being loved by you is SUCH a treat. Between you claiming to love me and kicking my ass I’m beginning to have my doubts about the advisability of this whole situation.
20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
Jebus, must you always appear at mealtimes? You remind me of some of my prairie relatives.
21: To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.
Finally! The key to the executive john. We’ll go together, like the girls do, but you better not borrow my hairbrush or I’m gonna pout.
22: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
Yeah, whatever. I’m going to go see a locksmith now; I want to make a spare key.
