Today I’d like to rant about….

Hypocrisy, but my spleen started gnawing on my left eyeball in protest, so I had to find another subject. For a minute I considered a rant about Paul’s driving, a subject that just never gets old, but I decided that is a) too easy and b) not respectful enough. Then I thought of writing about the 100 things I would do if I was the benevolent dictator of my work; and no, it doesn’t involve public humiliation, bondage and urine, although if I was the malevolent dictator of my work that would all be up for grabs, so to speak.

I reviewed the many, many things which can set me off, and as my pulse pounded and my blood pressure started to look like a gauge on a hydraulic actuator, I thought that maybe I should reconsider this whole ranting thing. Ranting is just loose lipped emotion stuffed into a nice subject matter casing and done to a good brown. How does it help a weary and degenerate world? Apart from being entertaining if it’s done right. I mean, my homilies are rants, but prettified, all the cuss words taken out.

Then I thought about… the crush. How can I fail? That, friends, was a rhetorical question. Maybe some other time.

Ooh. I thought about Revelation. You know, the book in the Christian Bible.

1: The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:

Uh. Shortly come to pass. Thanks, God. I mean, you’ve been around since before the first thing was and you’ll be around until the last thing flies up its own ass, so saying “Shortly come to pass” is like saying Haw Haw! And when will THAT be?

2: Who bare record of the word of God, and of the testimony of Jesus Christ, and of all things that he saw.

Most of which reads like, wow, crazy, man.

3: Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

Yup. Well let me put it this way, keep God away from the frikkin transit schedules, for his idea of ‘at hand’ differs markedly from mine. Ya don’t want to be standing at a bus stop waiting for him, know what I mean?

4: John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;

So he’s got enough savvy to write a letter to his buddies and to wish them well, Go John.

5: And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,

The faithful witness of? And, sorry, he can’t be the first begotten of the dead. I think this is one of those posthumous awards, or, like, a metaphor or something. The whole blood being a cleansing agent is just horrible. I’ve watched enough CSI not to buy that scam.

6: And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Never mind all those OTHER kings and priests, the ones with armies and night watchmen. How can you wish glory and dominion to God? You can acknowledge it, but you can’t wish it on him cause he’s already got it. Sigh, Christians are confused because their Bible is confusing.

7: Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.

Now, in my life, when a guy cometh with clouds, that’s generally a good thing. But how can every eye see you if you’re in the clouds? God issued x-ray specs or something? Or is this another one of those danged metaphors? Hm. And they also which pierced him. Oh, this is a reference to the guys what hurt Jesus, who are assumed to be still alive when this was written. But wait, if Christ was crucified in 33 roughly and the book was written at the earliest more than thirty years later, not too many of those dudes would still have been around to get their Roman asses kicked by Cloudriding Jesus. But I guess this is just another metaphor, and in not-so-good Greek, apparently.

8: I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Poetry, pure and simple.

9: I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.

As you well know, I had to book it out of the last place I was because I was a right nutter and the local authorities got plenty tired of me.

10: I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day, and heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet,

I had one of my ‘spells’ of a Sunday.

11: Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.

And the Lord said POP QUIZ Hot Shot, spell the seven churches of Asia, and no peeking under your robe for the answers written on your thigh.

12: And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;

Got bling?

13: And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.

Okay, picture a dude standing in the middle of a bunch of phallic objects, looking like Jebus, wearing a dress, or maybe a bra and stockings, the text is a little shaky on that point. The girt about the paps with a golden girdle sounds a lot like one of Madonna’s stage outfits though…. you know the one I mean.

14: His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;

Okay, sounds major anime to me. The white hair and flaming eyes. Anime. No, seriously!

15: And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.

Sounds like me, when I’ve been standing all day. I must admit it would be cool to open my mouth and have white noise come out.

16: And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

This all sounds really inconvenient. If he was big enough to hold seven real stars, then he’d be pretty big even by God standards, but of course the ancients didn’t know that stars were giant balls of flaming gas, now, did they? So this is like a metaphor AGAIN. The sharp two edged sword just sounds sick. I mean think about it in concert with the Madonna brassiere and you’ve got some amazing visuals, especially up there on the Jumbotron.

17: And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

I’d be shit scared too, but I’d have the inestimable comfort of KNOWING that I was bloody well seeing things, and either drugged, tired, hallucinating or dreaming.

18: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.

Locked Satan in the bathroom, did you? You are not nice. As for having the keys to death, why don’t you lose the damned things and we’ll forget all about this unfortunate incident.

19: Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter;

Write it down yourself and save the transcription errors, you bozo! Oh, that’s right, you’re incorporeal because you are ALL IN MY MIND!

20: The mystery of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches.

Stars equal angels, churches equal candlesticks. Got it. It was a metaphor all along. Pop quiz, hot shot… How do you know which parts of Revelation are metaphors. Trick question! All of it!

Second chapter….

1: Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

So we know we can take every word he says seriously.

2: I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:

So the guy with the gilded girdle says, “You are an extremely nice guy and quite hard working and you sure can tell the false apostles from the real ones.”

3: And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name’s sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.

Except just now, when you fell at my feet, but that doesn’t count even though it was like seconds ago.

4: Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

After the praise, the lecture. I think this bastard took a parenting course, or maybe New Supervisors 101.

5: Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

I have just one question. WHERE IS THE CANDLESTICK. Oh, that’s right, we’ve already established that this is figurative speech.

6: But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.

It’s always comforting when the voices in your head agree with you.

7: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God.

I’ve got two ears, and I can’t hear a damned thing over all the white noise. Now wait just a minute about this tree. I think God’s really hardcore about the damned tree; the last time somebody was tempted to eat from the tree of life BAD SHIT happened, so how do I know that you can legitimately give to me of the tree of life? Or are you REALLY GOD, wearing a very kinky outfit? All I know is that I think I’m being set up, like Charlie Brown and the damned football. I’ll go to kick it and end up winded on my back. So can I think about it? Or is the ‘To him that overcometh’ kind of an escape clause for you?

8: And unto the angel of the church in Smyrna write; These things saith the first and the last, which was dead, and is alive;

Sounds like me after a hard day at work.

9: I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

Now this is just messed. Not to mention a rich text for neo Nazis.

10: Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Bubba will be your cellmate for ten days.

11: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death.

He that overcometh what? I’m missing something here.

12: And to the angel of the church in Pergamos write; These things saith he which hath the sharp sword with two edges;

Ow.

13: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan’s seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth.

We’ve had some hard times, and I’ve come to tell you that the company that’s acquiring us is not going to lay anybody off.

14: But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.

No matter how many times I try, I can’t give up killing goats in front of a statue of Tommy Douglas, not to mention the oral sex. Call it a weakness.

15: So hast thou also them that hold the doctrine of the Nicolaitans, which thing I hate.

Okay, first you tell me to get the goddamned church membership up, and then you start splitting all these doctrinal hairs! Can we get the bums in seats and work on the indoctrination later?

16: Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

I prefer using my hands, but whatever.

17: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

I will give you treats and a nice white rock with some chicken scratch on it. Oh goody, that’ll help with the rent.

18: And unto the angel of the church in Thyatira write; These things saith the Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass;

Okay, so is it Jesus or some other guy talking to the hallucinating John? Because if it was Jesus, he’d say I. Why talk of himself in the third person? God doesn’t talk about himself in the third person in the Bible much, why should Jesus?

19: I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.

How can your works be more than your works? Honestly, these guys needed coffee and a good editor.

20: Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.

What can I say, the woman’s hotter than a two dollar pistol.

21: And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.

Well, she was having a really good time.

22: Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds.

YOU will cast her into a bed? I got here first, bud. And you don’t need to worry about the great tribulation, I’ve already got a mega rash and I’m peeing brimstone.

23: And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.

Kill her children with death. That’s going to kick the hell out of our Children’s Program.

24: But unto you I say, and unto the rest in Thyatira, as many as have not this doctrine, and which have not known the depths of Satan, as they speak; I will put upon you none other burden.

That’s only because they haven’t heard about it yet.

25: But that which ye have already hold fast till I come.

Damn Viagra.

26: And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

So if I properly interpret all this gibberish I’ll have temporal power? Woo hoo!

27: And he shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers: even as I received of my Father.

Sounds like your Father laid some pretty nasty beatings on you earlier.

28: And I will give him the morning star.

Since Lucifer isn’t using it any more. It’s a metaphor, you wouldn’t like it if Venus landed in your lap.

29: He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

Well, I’m hopelessly confused, so I guess it’s time to recap. I’m a very energetic, and very talkative person with anything from temporal lobe epilepsy to rip roaring, full bore, reality independent psychosis. During one of my ‘spells’ a scary looking dude with a sword in his mouth and a golden bra talked to me from the middle of a bunch of candlesticks about the growth of the seven churches in Asia Minor. So let me get this straight. This is A MANAGEMENT seminar disguised as a revelation. He gives me a lot of veiled advice, lets me know he agrees with me about some stuff and is really choked about some other stuff, and then promises a lot of vaguely worded goodies if I just put my nose to the grindstone and help get the branch offices under some kind of ancient world ISO 9001.

Man, I should do this with all of the Bible.