All present, my grasp of invective
has got me in trouble, it’s true;
don’t be deterred, please take me at my word.
This song’s not directed at *you*.

Jackass and user and blockhead
Nimnul and ratfink and dolt
For personality, in your totality
brittle as Frankie’s neck bolt!

In past you have rendered me livid
And speechless with grief and with rage
In characterization vivid
Revenge has it’s way with the page!

My friends offer tea and assurance,
“All persons have merit and worth!”
But my thoughts are bloomin’ that you aren’t quite human
and … possibly not of this earth.

I won’t deride your genitalia
I know your IQ isn’t low
But in other respects you’re a failure
I’m hoping you already know.

Were you at the roadside and bleeding
Of COURSE I would render you aid
But under friendslock O GOD how I would mock
you, and all the mess that you made.

I am not rational.  Clearly.
But this is just furious talk!
I’ll stick with Freud and when I am annoyed……
hurl insults instead of a rock.

This is one of Shad’s favourites of mine. She of course knows the WHOLE story about how this song got wrote, so her liking it is just the sweetest little raspberry on the top of my scone. Aren’t you glad that this is not about anyone who reads my blog? Of course if the person I wrote this for does come across this, I have two additional words. Fuck you!

load on – Sol Starr’s Deadwood filk

Got my load on doc, you can dig the bullet out
I got my load on doc, my load on doc
x 2

I can feel it, but I just don’t care
Got my load on doc, got my load on doc

My girlfriend gave me a little sissy gun
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc

Gunplay isn’t my notion of fun
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc
I pulled out the pistol to back Bullock’s play
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc
You can get that bullet out now any time today
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc
Now the bullet’s out and I just don’t care
Got my load on doc, got my load on doc
And I’ll be all right if Trixie’s standing there
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc

Got my load on doc, you can dig the bullet out
I got my load on doc, got my load on doc
to fade

Sam’n’Jack’s Tango


There will be a time /it is coming soon /when they’re going to talk /talk about their feelings x 2
But… they have to save the world
and matters not the reason
it happens every season
Keep those feelings tightly curled
try hard not to heed them
and act like you don’t need them

(Ba dum dum dum!)


He makes her heart go boom boom boom
When he saunters into the briefing room
he makes her brain go snap snap snap
He has that effect on her every synapse
He makes her limbic system go wild
When he grins at her like a child
He could order her to do a flip
…O’Neill is her CO, she needs to get a grip

Everybody knows, pretending not to see
How Samantha glows, how O’Neill is smirking
Everybody knows, pretending not to see
How the feeling grows, yeah, they got it working
Oh, my God, just get a room
Did we forget to mention, the mounting sexual tension
In the face of certain doom
Just wrap it up quite neatly, and do it real discreetly.

She makes his heart go boom boom boom
When she strides into some dark Ancient tomb
She makes his brain go snap snap snap
That little blue tank top makes his will collapse
She makes his limbic system go wild
When she leans on him like a child
he could order her to do some flips
“We’ve got a job to do” is what crosses his lips.

There will be a time…. it is coming sooooon

meet the crew – Firefly filk

O the curve of her cheek is rare
and the sound of her voice makes you just not care
quality Companion for hire
if you’re knotted she’ll unbind you
if you’re tense she will unwind you
o ya she knows her stuff about desire

For a good man he’s awful awful bad
for a bad man he’s awful awful good
But in the black it’s understood
that you fight for ship and crew
and you fast learn what to do
if you’ve bitten off a mite more than you should

He can pilot anything that can be flown
and you haven’t seen a thing until you’ve seen him in the zone
Crazy Ivans just for fun
with aplomb and savoir faire
he will pluck you from midair
and blow your mind twice more before he’s done

She brings the sexy to the engine room
and she’s challengingly perky in the face of certain doom
Cuter than a bug, my, my
As she’s learning you your lesson
stay away from the Capissen
cause you know those engines fall clean from the sky

Well he din’t hire on for his brains
no, more for the occasions letting ‘Vera’ off the chain
Not exactly Mr. Tact
But a demon in a fight
and he doesn’t travel light
and it’s good to feel the muscle at your back

When loyalty and courage are at one
the woman in the leather vest is surely set to stun
I would slowly back away
Cause she’ll more than test your mettle
she has got a score to settle
The Alliance has a major debt to pay

And what are we to make of Shepherd Book
I’d like to see his service record, yeah I’d like a look
I think he can do more than cook
and I find it passing odd
that a straight-up man of God
would ever need that devastating hook

The doc of all of them had most to lose
but he’s got a moral compass so he knows which way to choose
Keeping River safe’s his goal
as they dodge and they swerve
and get on each other’s nerves
and grief him while he’s patching up their holes

A wild eyed dancer tallies up the crew
don’t be on the receiving end of River’s ballet-fu
Her middle name is death
Gun or fist or knife
she will swiftly end your life
and do it with a grace that takes your breath

So now you’ve met the crew of Firefly
the Fox execs who cancelled it are surely gonna fry
all these years we still ask why?
so sing out a mighty curse
to ring out across the ‘Verse
Cause Firefly’s renown will never die!

Recorded live someplace, possibly GAFilk, more likely CONFLIKT

much love to the sound crew

Don’t you weep

You can trust me to write a cynical song about domestic violence.

CW: Woman on man domestic violence, treating a partner like property

please note I’m including the verse about cops for historical accuracy; I’m no longer of the opinion that the police should be called for domestic violence and welcome anyone changing the lyrics in any fashion anyway

the song doesn’t suffer much if you omit that second last verse, so

Continue reading Don’t you weep

slimfast and methadone

RIP all the entertainers who killed themselves with drugs.

She (Anna Nicole Smith) came to grief in a hotel room like famous people do
and the way the media carried on you’d think she died for me and you
they say speak gently of the dead don’t bandy with her name
but her life was sure instructive on the vagaries of fame

slimfast and methadone girl I’m in your debt
I got a great line for a chorus
and the story isn’t over yet

Leave ’em while you’re looking good, advice she took to heart
she was born to play the bimbo and she really nailed the part
she married her attorney but I don’t think things turned out
the paternity and the autopsy and the estate all left in doubt

slimfast and methadone girl I’m in your debt
I got a great line for a chorus
and the story isn’t over yet

Humans love their beauty it’s a curse upon our race
the powerful are using it to hide what’s taking place
zombies stalk the headlines while the peace talks stall
if celebrities don’t quit dying we’ll never get anything done at all

The Road to Albyn HAPPY SPRING

Lyrics are copyright, from page 147 of the Dunnetts’ The Scottish Highlands. I’d really like to work up harmonies for this but I can’t get Audacity to behave and unfortunately the forums say my Mac is too elderly to cope with what I want to do. Fuck computers anyway, let’s vamoose and go walking in Albyn. (A Gaelic word for Scotland.)

IT’S so WEIRD posting this and knowing that my calm, orderly, productive state of mind as it is currently on a Monday morning in February will be completely different when I next see this. And given that I’m 62 and multiply blessed with Complete Failure to Exercise and Complete Failure to Stop Eating Junk, who knows whether I’ll even make it that long.

I did make it that long. 

herewith, a picture of my face when Jeff announced he was getting pizza yesterday (and wings)

Seal babby eyes


Neener Neener

Here’s the youtube link

Lyrics may not be a perfect match


You Got

What you deserve!

And the band played Neener Neener
Luck ran out, you didn’t swerve
and the band played neener neener
Lie and bully, steal and break
and take and take and take and take
You think there’s been a big mistake
and the band plays neener neener.
Cuffs and cruiser, bruises too
Cause when you run, that’s what cops do
You’ll have time to think it’s true
and the band played neener neener
Textbook, what one should avoid
Wouldn’t stay in school, couldn’t stay employed
Can’t pronounce right but it is SCHADENFREUDE
and the band played neener neener.
Maybe you will get six months
and the band played neener neener
We’ll get relief from being played as chumps
and the band played neener neener
Maybe you will take a hint
and not have brains like dryer lint
Please enjoy your jailhouse stint

and the band played neener neener.

Lemming’s Twofer

Here’s the youtube Link

Step up folks you know you can’t go wrong
got a back catalogue about nine miles long
when he gets bored he’ll write another song
step up step up Lemming’s Twofer
A fascinating miscellany of
all the subjects that he really hates and loves
and I’ll hang with him when push comes to shove
comes to his opinion (squee) I’ll be his minion
Step up folks and do not be perplexed
if you can’t tell which instrument he’s playing next
Put down that phone he hates it when you test
Step up Step up Lemming’s Twofer
Step up folks and get your Bile on Wry
while the Magat’s and smokers get it in the eye
If he was wine, he would be very dry
Step up step up Lemming’s Twofer
Idiosyncratic entertainment
delivered in eyepopping Hawaiian raiment
devoid of refinement, or of containment
Step up step up
Lemming’s Twofer
Brain abraded with a loofah
Filker, parodist and spoofer
step up step up Lemming’s Twofer NOW

Pig in a Parlour – happy st paddys

Me mother and father were Irish x 3
and I was Irish too!
We kept a pig in the parlour x 3
and it was Irish too!

This poem was from a book about Canadian schoolyard rhymes and other miscellanea; I set it to music  years ago and recorded it just in time for today.

Three of Swords

My heart’s been broken through the years
I’ve mended it with my own tears
and tears can be a kind of glue
when they’re raining down the simple truth
I own me and I do not own you
I own only me and I don’t own you
Candles bless my tired eyes
and as I watch the bubbles rise
in every perfect mirror see
my struggle looking back at me
the heart that I am breaking is my own
the heart that I am breaking is my own
Close the door to be alone
can I see you and be still as stone
your bright eyes and your brighter mind
hold sentiments no more than kind
the heart that I am breaking is my own
Doing well and doing good
are hard enough it’s understood
that when aren’t the type to lie
you have to find a place to hide
no place of refuge can be right
if I can’t be in your arms tonight
The heart that I am breaking is my own

that’s Gord Breckenridge on piano