Saturday I spent three hours over at Planet Bachelor alone with Katie. I know I parented while mentally ill (depression, anxiety and ‘other’) and still managed to do a decent job because I never went squirrelly enough long enough to make trouble, and I had to pull myself together for the two years Paul was gone (hey, anybody remember how that nearly killed our family and I fell on my sword by moving to Montreal with the kids even though we had no friends and no prospects in Montreal but daddy knows best?) I should sound bitter, I made the choice of my own free will. Which reminds me of the Cairn, a song I wrote 30 years ago or more.
Well once he was her lover but now / he’s just a pile of rocks/ and she has to move them one at a time / to get to whatever she wants / and the nights she’s cried / and called him cruel / his answer is always the same / if your life is not all that you would have wished/you’ve none but yourself to blame
But Katie has her own mental health challenges, recently aggravated by witnessing something terrifying (I’ve shared with those who need to know) and she’s dealing with in-common-laws who instead of (long ass description of how amazing Paul’s siblings were to me and for me during the entire time we were merrit and the time since, like John preventing me from falling down the single time I did the Grouse Grind and Lois and Bobby’s amazing hospitality when we went on the Dinosaur Park trek) are (can’t actually describe how fucking stupid and horrible it was because of pending court cases, how effin’ jolly hey?)
and yet
She’s the best parent. Alex is anxious and driven (thanks epigenesis, write if you find work!) but he has lots of coping skills because his mama helps him. He does a lot of things to self-regulate. But he’s also not able to talk and process everything, so when his daddy yells at him for not getting in the car seat fast enough (for which I hold him no grudge, nor does Katie – frustration is part of being a parent, you should have heard me beak off at Alex for not getting into his shoes fast enough last week, he quailed poor lad) he may be completely spinny for hours until his mother “asks him the right question” and he can finally connect how upset and repetitive he is with the emotions he feels from being upset about his daddy. But it could have been something else he was churned about and Katie will spend the time to unsnarl things for him. She takes the time. He’s worth it.
Spending time with Katie was very therapeutic. I told her to write it all out (she needed to) and THEN pick out what would be helpful.
She called me back Sunday and said read two sets of verbiage. The first was a core dump – started respectful and turned into a slapfest purty damned fast. I advised to go back and take out everything that wasn’t actually going to help her current problem. Think like an elder I said – think of your whole family, in laws included, how this rant would play out.
Then an hour later she calls with AN AMAZING letter. Here’s the problem. Here’s how your behaviour has exacerbated an adjacent problem. Here’s the hole of daylight I’ve left for you to jump through ie the desired solution. It was fucking brill and completely in her own voice.
The recipient will hate it, but Katie provided no additional ammo for family fights, just two tines to the forking argument and here’s the daylight in between. Honestly pOp you would have been amazed, it was a lovely summing up argument against a crime already committed (and technically, yes, it was two crimes under the CCC and everything’s safe now but HOLY SHIT it was terrifying and gross as it went by, trust me when I say the problem has been dealt with.)
I have nothing but respect and love and admiration for my grown daughter right now, and it’s a privilege to be this close to her after all the horror at the shop.
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So angry at the current state of the left that I want to give back all the politics books I took after John died.
Six of my twelve fanfic stories got kudos last night. Sounds like I now have enough works posted to have people want to read them all. Interesting. Also, I get more kudos if I beg for them. Eye roll. Nothing is the fuck about merit any more, and even if it was, I still have to stand back and let other people decide.
Let me just put my hand against my forehead for two seconds about all of this. I am a writer, but until I get paid I won’t have any respect, and after I get paid, strangers will still be happy to tell me how shitty my work is.
that said;
48970 is current word count on HOTM.
In three days I get to see D. the midwife! yay! I plan on taking a musical instrument and serenading her if the weather’s good.
After Father’s Day, Katie and Alex and I hope to go to Victoria, yay!
I want to go get croissants, I wonder if Jeff is amenable.
I’ve figured out what I’m going to do with the Blaise Cendrars book I FINALLY RECOVERED FROM PLANET BACHELOR.
I’m going to decolonize it. YUP YOU HEARD ME I’m going to go through the entire book and then write a 50K word decolonialization of it. The book is 100 years old it’s not like the author can take offence although ten bucks says the poor bunny who translated it will stalk me and slap me if he ever learns of it.
After the first seven Upsun books are done.
