after all this fucking time thinking about it

I finally figured out how to carry all my instruments at once (what even the slide whistle?) yes! even Little Cosh, the Slide Whistle. (What even the tambourine? Yes, even the unnamed tambourine, which I intend to arsonize in a parking lot as the coda to Dave’s reading at his book launch. Yes, even though he is instantly appalled at the prospect, I intend to set that evil-sounding fucker on fire in a parking lot immediately after his reading, which will be sometime in November, or maybe some other time, planning sucks. (What even the spoons?) The spoons known as spoons, the ones Cindy gave me, are coming too. (What even the ukelele?) Yes, Queen Lili’uokalani was also called Lydia. I have finally named my ukelele, so I can say Lydia, formally known as Queen Lydia, the ukelele will ride along, and I will think of Mike who gave her to me as I play her. (What even Smokey?) Yes, Smokey the six-stringed electric-acoustic cutaway with a built-in tuna will be, er, crucified to it, or at least his case will be. The guitar case has plenty of attachment points, and bungees’ll fix ever’thin else. (And the mallets?) Why, yes. (What even Rowena, the howling twangy-boxed mountain dulcimer of threat, sacrifice and curse?) Yes, even that loud and demanding Melusine of magic and mayhem will be along for the ride.  (Even Ovie the Shaker Egg?) Yes, even him, if he hasn’t rolled under furniture agin. (Even a rainbow of kazoos?) Indeed. (Even Otto the octave mandolin?) Especially Otto. Despite everything he remains my favourite.

It’s a golf club cart!

If only I could look under my own dash and see what the hell was happening. If only I had a manual and could tweak my own hypocrisy, here limned by a total stranger, into non-existence. But as long as I live with humans I’ll be a hypocrite. The problem seems insoluble to me.

Zoe Baker @anarchopac
Me: when reading a history book its important to keep in mind how much hard work and suffering went into researching and writing it. Finishing writing a book is itself an achievement.
Also me: I can’t believe they cite THAT source. Only basic bitches cite that source.

 

Trip report

As mentioned Suzanne did all the driving to the campsite. It is on Big Bar Road close to 70 Mile House. Photos and further details will not be provided. It’s all paved highway except for the last 25 or so klicks, which starts fine and gets progressively worse. There are half a dozen cattleguards on the road so even if you get to the decent speed of 50 kph you must immediately slow down.

During the trip I learned that she knows of a kitten source. I have discussed with Jeff. I hope to obtain a female tabby kitten. I said I wouldn’t but gosh darn it.

Our host, a brother in law of Suzanne’s, has a Ram 3500 Diesel Dooley with a 100 litre spare tank. He also owns a blue Ford tractor, a Case double ended back hoe, a quad with a box full of tree cutting implements, and the single most impressive trailer I’ve ever seen. It’s so impressive I’m going to go back into one of the fanfics I’m working on and rewrite it.

It has a Honda 6500 inverter genset; industrial cooling; a built in engine hoist (for game but sure, he could use it for that), a walk in fridge, a fifty inch tv, three INCREDIBLY COMFY BEDS; and a gunsafe. To say this guy is prepared for everything from a camping trip to a moose hunt to a zombie apocalypse is putting it mild. He installed hardwood flooring on the TRAILER CEILING. He is iggzackly the kind of guy you want on your team.

The property has a somewhat sulfurous artesian well (water is fit to drink, just a little skunky) and cold as anything. The well leaked – so after a great deal of fucking around on his part he got the overflow into a culvert across the road so there’s no flooding. He ended up with an artesian beer fridge / dog trough. There is nothing quite so satisfying as making up something to drink and then shot-putting it into a pond to chill. Suzanne

Stella the wonderdog is 14, black lab cross, grizzled but still lively, and she decided to follow and obey me at one point (she was tired and wanted her bed; I announced “I am going to bed” and she followed me and then I held back the mosquito curtain and got in the trailer and she followed me in and waited for me to clap my hands twice to join me on the sleeping platform. (I think she was tired of the mosquitoes). There’s no point complaining about the mosquitoes. I’m covered in bites. I didn’t want to be covered in DEET for the best part of a week, so I paid.

I had the sum total of one can of beer with supper the middle night, did not otherwise drink alcohol.

Apart from washing dishes, sweeping the outhouse before we left, writing some poems and driving back, I DID NOTHING but get sun, bug bites and a lot of fantastic sleep in the chill of a plateau night (screened windows wide open; after singeing hot days the nights were so cool it was delightful). The company was entertaining and educational (I believe he has memorized every single one of his moose kills for entertainment purposes and I had a mooseburger the first night) and all in all it was absolutely amazing.

Cell service is er spotty, so I’m just as glad I didn’t take any electronics.

Big Bar Lake is cold and beautiful. Loons can be heard at night. Eagles soar overhead during the day. Stridulating insects everywhere. Sulphur butterflies, mourning cloaks, some fritillaries. Chipmunks. Deer. Bears come through a couple of times a year. No cougars apparently. Very dusty; the place is still a construction site and our host built three courses of fence while we were there, took down tons of trees, replaced a tractor tire and was in general extremely hardworking.

I don’t even want to talk about it any more, I might jinx it. The co-owner is a drunken rude lazy fuck (I got AMPLE EVIDENCE FOR WHICH) but we stayed away from him and it didn’t impact our fun.

Suzanne is a miracle to camp with, she had everything. Her car was BUNGFUL. I drove back and we found a GENUINE MEXICAN TACO STAND in Cache Creek (‘Zanne is celiac so it was like YESSSS!) called Hola Taco. For five bucks we got a memorably delish pork taco with sauces and MEXICAN COLA yes.

Fire ban, but it didn’t bother us.

Host asked for my advice for playsets for grandkids. You know me, I got lots of ideas.

this email to me was entitled Letter from Mike

SO THE FEARLESS LEADER OF AIR CANADA HAS DUN IT AGIN

Dear Allegra,

Earlier this summer, I wrote to you about how conditions in the global airline industry were impacting you as a valued Air Canada customer and to recognize any inconvenience you may have experienced. In my letter, I also outlined the many initiatives we had undertaken to address these issues. WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING THE FACT THAT WE THREW OUT HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF EMPLOYEES LIKE DISEASED GARBAGE. Today, I am writing to update you on the progress we have made to date to return our airline to its pre?pandemic standards of customer service. PROGRESS I THINK YOU WILL FIND IS NOT THE CORRECT WORD.

First, however, thank you for your continued loyalty to our company. NOPE. Virtually every week this summer, our traffic volumes have increased and are now nearing 80% of the number of customers we carried in 2019, our last summer before the pandemic. HOWEVER LOOK CLOSELY AT THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE NOT REHIRED 80 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE AND HAVE MANAGED TO GLOSS THAT OVER WITH COMPLETE ELAN. It is evident people are keen to travel and all of us at Air Canada are proud that you are entrusting to us your very important travel arrangements. Let me assure you we understand our responsibility to meet your expectations. UNDERSTANDING THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND MEETING IT ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

However, welcome as the recovery is, the summer increase in traffic has also prolonged the pandemic’s disruption of our entire industry. ONCE AGAIN, YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING STAFF AND BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR CUSTOMERS GLOSSES OVER WHAT YOU DO INSIDE CANADA WHEN YOU DO HAVE ENOUGH STAFF. Airlines, airports, governments, and the other third?party suppliers are labouring like everyone else to return to normal. We have been working closely with our industry partners to remedy the situation and, while we still have much work to do, the results are trending positively, and customers are already experiencing the benefits directly when they travel.

As an intensely data driven organization, we can clearly see those areas that require more operational focus, as well as those that are showing improvement. In the spirit of transparency, I would like to share some metrics related to the areas that most immediately affect our customers. For the period June 27 to August 14, during which we carried approximately 6.4 million customers, the Air Canada family (including Air Canada, Air Canada Rouge and Air Canada Express), recorded the following operational improvements:
Flight Delays – Comparing the week of June 27 to the week of August 8, there was a 48% reduction or 1,160 fewer flights that took a delay longer than one hour. In addition, flight delays overall are getting shorter. For flights that experienced any delay, the average arrival delay during the week of June 27 was 28 minutes longer than the same week in 2019. As of the week of August 8, this had improved to 12 minutes. NONE OF WHICH COVERS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE STUCK ON THE TARMAC FOR AN HOUR AT YYZ OR YVR IN JULY WITH NO FUCKING AIRCON.

Flight Cancellations – There has been a substantial reduction in the volume of flight cancellations. During the week of August 8, there was a 77% reduction in the number of cancelled flights as compared to the week of June 27. This translates into 960 fewer flights cancelled. Furthermore, flight completion, which is the percentage of all scheduled flights that are not cancelled, reached 96.7% during the week of August 8, which was less than one percentage point lower than the same week in 2019. The vast majority of customers experiencing cancellations, often due to weather or other unexpected factors, were able to travel within 24 hours. BETTER THAN ONE IN FIFTY ODDS YOU WON’T MAKE THAT FLIGHT.  YEAH.

Baggage Handling – The strongest area of improvement over this period can be seen in baggage handling, where the airline handles over 650,000 bags per week. During the week of June 27, mishandling rates per 1,000 customers were approximately 2.5 times the same number in 2019. As of the week of August 8, this rate fully recovered to 2019 levels with a baggage handling success rate of 98%. AS RASPUTIN J. NOVGOROD ONCE REMARKED THE MOST AWFUL THING ABOUT POSTAL STRIKES IS THAT ONCE THEY’RE OVER SERVICE RETURNS TO NORMAL. LOSING/MISDIRECTING/MISHANDLING ONE BAG IN FIFTY PER CUSTOMER – 2 PERCENT – IS GHASTLY

While these numbers are encouraging, TO WHOM, YOU PRECIOUS FOOL, our recovery remains very much a work in progress with a significant distance yet to be covered. Even with our success to date, we are committed to further improvement in those areas that we directly control and also by supporting our third?party partners, upon which we rely, as they too strive to return to pre-pandemic normalcy.

Finally, I would also like to take this opportunity to say that if you travelled recently, yet still encountered a disruption, we at Air Canada apologize for this. With an industry as complex as ours, WHICH NEEDS SO MANY EXPERIENCED STAFF, WHOM WE FIRED and dependent as it is on the coordinated performance of so many entities, recovering from an event without precedent like a global pandemic presents many challenges. For this reason, we appreciate your continued patience and understanding.

Thank you again for your loyalty to our company. Please be assured that all of us at Air Canada are preparing and eager to welcome you aboard and to transport you safely in the very near future.

Sincerely,

Michael Rousseau FOOL or TRICKSTER TAKE YOUR PICK
President and Chief Executive Officer
Air Canada