Day: May 9, 2007

No one enjoys writing cover letters to prospective employers, so out of the kindness of my heart I decided to make one for all of you, to serve as a template. I hope you find this useful:

Dear Potential Employer,

I was recently made aware of an opening for XXXXX position at your company. I want you to know that I am exceedingly passionate (to the point of sexual arousal) about the opportunity to work for you, especially as the systematic destruction of the wild buffalo and fish stocks and the enclosure of once-communal land by White colonizers of this great country has made my preferred hunter-gatherer lifestyle untenable, and left me with wage slavery as the only option. But believe me, I am damn passionate and driven when it comes to this, my only option for subsistence.

A glance at my resume will reveal my eminent qualification for this position; you will see I possess the necessary skill-set. But most importantly, many years of mind-numbing, individuality-suffocating industrial education have shaped me into the subservient, unquestioning sycophant your company desires. I will perform services for you that I wouldn’t perform for even my most intimate lover, and with all the conspicuous enthusiasm I can muster. I will produce my best ideas for you to steal, and watch without complaint as the sweat of my labor is transformed into your BoTox treatments and a Mercedes for your sixteen-year-old. I am a perfect model of what The System is designed to produce, and as such, my obsequiousness knows no bounds.

Thank you for your consideration. I mean, please please please hire me. Did I mention how incredibly @&%$-ing passionate I am?

Sincerely,

Your name here
Etc. etc.