20 hours and some thoughts about anger and hair.

It took 20 hours to convert the entire dvd from dvd format to mp4 format. It worked perfectly – but too slow. Anyway, after much agony, I can edit down the puppies and kids video. Part of me wants to kill the audio portion of it, which consists of, in a very boring way, Allegra saying, “Put the puppy down, put him down, put her down, put the puppy down, Keith don’t do that, that’s ignorant, Katie, sit down, put the puppy down, put the puppy down.” But I will avoid the temptation to do that. I can haz patience.

I was very annoyed with Keith yesterday for something he did and said, and instead of stewing, I picked up the phone and called him and said, “I have a bone to pick with you,” and calmly told him why I was annoyed. He was not apologetic but he did talk about avoiding that kind of behaviour in the future, which after all is more to the point if you want the behaviour to stop – apologies mean squat. This interaction was a big deal for me because I am very tired of sucking stuff up for years and then losing my temper in a spectacular and ungainly way, and then being all tortured and unhappy & going back to the default mode of sucking things up – until the next explosion. How boring, how predictable, like the human equivalent of a geyser in Iceland…. I’d prefer to behave like a grownup and deal with emotions without whining or obsessing or getting pissed off unnecessarily. After the scolding, Keith and I discussed a variety of things, air all nicely cleared and everything back into pleasant interaction mode.

I think about all the people I’m annoyed with, and then I think to myself that most of them I couldn’t even have a rational conversation with; part of my annoyance is that nothing could ever be settled, because while I might manage to maintain something resembling civility and rationality, the other person can’t listen, can’t STFU, can’t be rational on any consistent basis, actively delights in pissing me off, is frankly too stupid to realize what’s going on, is mentally ill, or skirts sociopathy – which frankly isn’t mental illness but it’s sure a big pain in the ass for everybody in eyeshot – by such a narrow margin that even the professionals are stumped. And that’s a pretty big if, me managing to stay civil and rational. Even so, everybody who knows me IRL- everybody – says that I’m much happier and much calmer since I stopped living with Paul. Well, yeah – I’m not always disappointed in myself for once again losing my temper, and looking for something convenient to kick. Paul was just my excuse – it’s not like he’s a bad guy or was in any way deliberately giving me a hard time. That last couple of years, I bounced, emotionally, between four emotional compass points – escapism, anger, worry and anhedonia. I’d like, in future, for me to have four emotional states – loving kindness, work/flow, constructive conflict, and meditation. Of course, a lot would have to change inside me for that to happen, but at least I have some perspective.

Paul is off in the Adirondacks, hiking with friends. Sounds like a lovely vacation, I’m sure he’ll have a great time.

Things Jeff would like to change about me: I think, given godlike powers, Jeff would like it if my hair quit falling out. Every time we’re out in the MR2 with the roof off, many hairs will jump off my head and get stuck in his beard, and then lash around his eyes while he swipes at his face and mutters with annoyance. I must remember to always wear something to tie my hair back. When I was a kid and pOp was driving the convertible, I never tied back my hair, even when I had ice cream, because I loved the feeling of my hair whipping around, and I still do. Some things don’t change. I like having access to a convertible again.

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Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

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