tired arms

Well I got to hold Ryker A LOT yesterday and given that he’s six months old he’s a heavy little cuss and he has distinct preferences about how he wants to be held and that is UP and BOUNCING. Definitely feeling it. No pictures; I made memories.

When he smiles at Alex I am so happy I want to invent words. You hear people talking about how a baby is the light of a house, but Ryker just is. He makes people happy just by existing.

However I didn’t just fawn over the little one. I asked Alex if he would like an almost endless supply of free games and he asked if there would be ads and I said, well, no, because our taxes already paid for the website. Then he went entirely nuts on the cbc.ca/kids game site (there are dozens upon dozens of games) and he had a fantastic time checking through them. I gave him useful information. I also found out that he wants a Playtime Poppy poster. (Warning this is a really scary horror game which is not 100 percent age appropriate, but I’m going to get him a poster anyway.)

Keith was in fine form and fed me vegetarian bean stew for lunch and half a Stella. Katie continues to dote on her two boys and that’s lovely.

All in all a lovely visit. Paul’s in Seattle of course.

My tinnitus is MUCH MUCH WORSE. First in my right ear, and now in my left ear, day and night I have ticking noises. It started right before the camping trip.

Lovely long talk with Sue last night; she’s auditioning for a lead role in a film AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR HER. (She’s also my canonical casting for the human form of Grandmother Zosime in UPSUN)

gorgeous day

I suppose what I should have been doing was mowing the lawn, but if it’s not raining today that’s what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll put my two loads of laundry away LOL PROBS NO.

Tested negative for COVID again.

Putin didn’t mention victory in his victory speech. Nor did he mention nukes. Soft good traitor tyrant.

12623, I think the writing drain is unclogged and I should be able to go. It’s hard to match the 4000 word day I had earlier on this story, sigh, but at least I have all the protagonists herded into one place psychologically for their life changing phone call.

Katie called first thing yesterday and PULLED ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM and then we howled laughing, thinking ‘MY TODDLER NEVER LETS ME POO IN PEACE’ and how that just never changes because THEN WE PHONED OUR MoM and got her away from her exercises so she’s PUFF PUFF PUFF it’s so PUFF PUFF PUFF lovely to hear your – PUFF PUFF oh that’s better – voices.  Katie and I also breathed sad and mad at each other about RvW because what the fuck can you do.

I didn’t hear from Keith but I heard he was playing with Ryker when I Katie called and that was good enough for me. Later in the day, Tammy, bless her, called, and we had a good long chinwag. Trying to time the market is a hard and always potentially expensive game. Paul and I got lucky, is all. Toronto is not a good market right now.

I got amazing feedback about my ‘activism’ from back when I actually was an activist and not just a keyboard warrior yesterday and it was lovely. I’m not going to repost it but to remind myself in future, 1100 reddit karma points for my welcoming congregation post was COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED and I cried at some of the comments. REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT and in this case it was an asexual saying ‘thanks for making me feel seen’ and that was a moment that made me feel THIS IS WHAT I WANT FROM LIFE.

So now I suppose I need to be more of an activist. I’m doing what I can given that I never leave my rental. LOL.

I miss my filking buddies. This is the ‘other’ Jeffrey in my life, lol, and what a lovely man he is, married to an even lovelier person, Jeri Lynn (well she makes homemade raspberry soft candies that taste like a trip to the Hesperides so of course I like her better.) Jeffrey gave me his dulcimer capo, can you believe it? what a guy.


ulcer post op – family story

sometime in 97 or 98 this happened… Paul got an ulcer

I found him passed out in the john after a bleed. Shit happened pretty fast after that.

The post op nurse at RCH got my attention after Paul was out of surgery. “This is not the day to have a talk about your relationship! Do not sign any papers, make any large purchases, make any emotional demands and DO NOT let him drive. He appears rational. He is not.”

He FLOATED over the bedside rails, (I know that sounds ludicrous, but I ain’t lyin’) came gently to earth and bounced/floated over to the post op nurse, speaking continuously and in an almost scarily cheerful voice about what a great experience getting his blown ulcer mended was. ‘They sprayed something down my throat and I didn’t feel a thing.’ I looked at the nurse. She nodded, to agree with my mental email to the effect that he wasn’t feeling a fucking thing now, either.

I went to get his post op meds in the same mall as our doc Peggy was (at the time) and after I told him to stay in the car (Stay in the car for Chrissakes I’ll get it, but NOPE) he floated over to the office counter, yelled for the doc to come out and fulsomely thanked her for the surgeon recommendation. He was all but hanging on her neck and crying. I bet Peggy doesn’t even remember that, not that she’s obliged to, but damn it was funny afterwards. (At the time, thanks to my autism, I was suffering TORTURES OF PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT)

I told him I was going to tie him to the bed to prevent him from floating away but as soon as he got his shoes off and sat down, he said, “I should probably lie down,” and HUT he was unconscious for another six hours – which was a relief, I was scared he was going to get on the phone and start telling randos that he loved them.

If you show your true personality in those circumstances, I guess Paul’s a sweetheart. It really was one of the most adorable things he ever did.



Jeff is fine, but it wasn’t a fun extraction. Codeine is good to have if you need it.

12011 words. Things are about to take a turn.

I’ve done my brain exercises this morning. Strangely, I feel better when I do; less foggy, a little more awake.

In honour of Settler Saturday, please support Mari. That’s her paypal link. She is Ojibwe, disabled, the main breadwinner in her household, a writer of some note and @wordglass on twitter. TEETH SHOULD BE COVERED BY UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE and that concludes this post.

remarkable day

Jeff and I got up and went for a walk yesterday morning, just walking around the neighbourhood. The birdies were loud and it was a very pleasant walk. I’m thinking TWO WALKS IN TWO DAYs Allegra must be feeling better (finally, and I do), and then Mike called and we went for a walk in Fraser Foreshore park. I told him to take his camera and he got:



log booms


and unfortunately the chickadees were not interested in coming to me because it was the wrong time of day, but it was still a lovely walk and one of the crows walked right up to me and begged.

(I didn’t start limping until I was coming up the walkway for home.)

On the way home Mike picked up some marinated halibut and we joyfully stank up the whole house, likely the neighbourhood, likely the city, likely all of solh temexw, cooking it (Seriously I can still smell it with every intake of breath so I can only imagine what horrors Jeff is experiencing) and I made green salad with avocado and boiled up some herb fettucine noodles. Then we watched the dubbed first episode of the anime ‘Ghost Story’ (weird, also funny) and the boys started ‘The Batman’. Since I didn’t watch the whole movie (at eight pm I announced “I’m cleaning up and taking my drugs and going to bed,” and abandoned them mid-movie (I’ll be candid; I can’t review the movie because I didn’t watch the whole thing, but it was not impressive to me), and I slept until 4:40 a.m yeah!!! So I have no idea how long Mike hung around for, but go me for setting boundaries. Also, we consumed no alcohol – Mike has quit and I’m not supposed to and Jeff rarely drinks and only drinks beer when he’s feeling good already.

Yes, it was a remarkable day – I got in two walks! At some point I hope Mike will send me pics, I’ll fire off an email to him now.

On a completely different topic, and late, I’d like to thank Unca Garry for helping pOp with the Camaro. pOp really needs that car available for drives in the country (he’s retired, go around him) and Garry made that possible. I couldn’t see him when I last went, even though he was in Victoria, because of the plague and having to be considerate of the immunocompromised (Alex has has one shot but the baby has not and we could all still carry it without symptoms) so thank you Garry and sorry I missed you Diane.

And tonight I get Alex. I have work to do before he gets here…

No words, no feedback from AO3. But the publication for the ‘Guest’ that my poem will be in creeps closer!!!

Still feeling most uplifted

Yesterday was so lovely, and I always enjoy seeing Ryker, and although I didn’t see Alex yesterday I get to see him tomorrow.

I feel like I have a little bubble of love and care inside me that wasn’t there yesterday.

Wordle in four, Lumosity brain stimulation accomplished, now to get at some stuff I’ve been feeling too overwhelmed to even poke at.

Up early

Somebody put a clue about wordle on twitter this morning so I got it in two tries, my best showing in ages. Can’t win without cheating, sounds like capitalism.

My anxiety quieted briefly yesterday but it’s back and sky high. When Katie phoned me yesterday to tell me that I could come visit I told her to lie down and sleep. So she did.

No kudos, a teensy bit of writing, much thinking.


—later – one kudo, on the pandemical romance


r/onguardforthee - The don't have to make it their whole personality



Maybe I should leave the house today

I just can’t be arsed. It’s horrible out there, and so nice in here, although I probably need to do a schlep.

Ran the dishes; it was mostly pans that had been sitting around waiting to be fitted in. Once they were all in… dishwasher was full.

Peanuts are all gone, the crows will yell at me. They got the last of the moldy cheddar yesterday MAN DO THEY LOVE CHEESE. Haven’t seen Curvebeak. I am starting to recognize one of the bold ones; I think I’ll call them Fluster.

I need to get some bloodwork done and I don’t want to do that either, although I don’t mind blood draws.

Apart from feeling a little less alert than usual the change up in the medication doesn’t seem to have done anything. A benefit is that I’m taking meds twice a day now, not three times.

Where I sit most of the time I can see the photo cousin Alex took and had matted and framed for me; a yellow tulip standing out against a mass of purple tulips. I can also see a piece of map/squid art Mike gave me, a piece of quilting my mOm made, and roses cross stitched my pOp’s mOm.

Sheets and the bolster need a wash…I hate changing my bed so much because it’s very hard work and it reminds me how weak my hands are and how hard my knees yell even if I kneel on a soft surface.

I wrote to the jury duty people on line and told them exactly why I can’t serve. No dramatics (like I threatened, because I’m dramatic) just … I can’t and here’s why. Within half an hour I was excused duty. What a freaking relief. It just makes me sad to admit that I’m too disabled to work and too disabled to serve as a juror. I feel weak and old and useless and my fOlks will read this later today and go WHAT THE FFFF GIRL ADD TWO DECADES ONTO THAT FEELING !! Yes, I know. But this is all relatively new.

No kudos, word count stuck.

another lovely day


a shopping expotition; the longest walk Paul and I have done in months; a lovely meal at Phó Edmonds.

Re: the shopping expotition DO NOT LIKE SHOPPING WITH NO MASKS but at least it’s an environment in which one does not experience harassment for wearing one, so that’s a plus. Also, we go first thing in the morning and we don’t both go in. It’s annoying that we can’t get the Ritter Sport MINT chockie square any more but they support the Russian invasion, so NOPE.

Jeff made sliced roast beef sliders for a snack in the evening, they were so good.

Midmorning Paul called and wanted to go for a walk, and it was an exquisite day, so Paul said he wanted a change of scene and to go back to Deer Lake Park. I wanted to go in case the snakes were out. It took quite a while to remember where the hell we’d seen them before but after scrambling up the bank I remembered… and then in my triumph I stomped too close to where the little beggars were and three of them all raced off back into their den. Biggest was maybe 16 inches, the rest smaller, all garter snakes.

The brilliant yellow of the skunk cabbage was everywhere in the low lying parts, and the birds were making a wonderful racket. Too early for frogs, no interesting mammals.

After, I had the number 32 at the Phó Edmonds (it was absolutely succulent, and the egg was perfect – and I don’t know how they make the vinaigrette for the carrots but damn that was good too) and Paul had a wrap and an order of their really nice spring rolls. We tried to go to Mezze, the relatively new Uyghur restaurant first, but they don’t open until 4 (and stay open until 8 – I have to assume that they do a roaring catering trade!)

The rest of the day I was quite lazy because hey I walked 2.5 km (we rested plenty)

No kudos, word count now 8131 so yes, I also wrote yesterday.

I spoke to Katie and she approved the pics, so….

Yes, that is the debris from a Mickey D’s brekky that Katie had delivered so my mother got exposed to her first egg mcfuffin and apple pie and hash browns and my father got a mocha and an apple pie for breakfast. For reasons best known to themselves they sent an additional pancake breakfast and that got et, too. I have to say that McDonald’s coffee has achieved an unlikely inversion of glory. From having the worst coffee of any chain, it’s now damned close to being the best and it’s definitely on a par or even better than Timmy Ho’s. I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but there you go.

I have to respond to the jury duty summons that appeared in the mail on Tuesday. GRRR GRRR. I’ve been joking about appearing at the summons half naked (I’ll get arrested even if it’s legal) or declaring that it’s MST land! and the justice apparatus has no legitimacy here! but I think I’ll just get a note from my doctor saying that I have holes caused by strokes in my cerebellum and I’m not fit for service.

what a day

My day started at a little after 1 am. I tried to keep as quiet as possible while I packed and showered and readied and flailed about in prep mode; I made salad for Jeff to put in wraps while I was gone; and finally at 5:45, just as promised Katie appeared with her two children and we roared off to the ferry.  I did not take any musical instruments, and given how little room there was in the car (Katie has a sizeable amount of mutual aid gear, rope, bungies & First Aid in the trunk) it was the right call.

We got a simply smashing view, as we closed the distance between us and Victoria, of the entitlement, skill-free behaviour and misunderstanding of how physics, especially inertia, works, thanks to our fellow Vancouver commuters. Seriously I don’t care that a recent survey found that Vancouver drivers were among the safest in Canada; Katie never cursed at anyone but she was left perplexed at a panoply of weirdass lane and speed changes in a most comical way.

Ryker, who as I perhaps have mentioned, farts like a much larger human, did himself JUST as we were supposed to get onto the ferry (it was a nail biter, since despite all Katie’s efforts we were ONE MINUTE LATE to get secured boarding, which is NOT going to happen on the way back) and there’s Katie, doing a thorough clean change while the loading starts, with the efficient and relaxed mien of someone who will not panic no matter how much her mother is encouraging her to. (I did not distinguish myself with my handwringing.)

Ryker doesn’t seem to consider coldness to be something to cry about. He is vigorous and happy even when he’s being changed at the ambient temperature of an April morning.

We stayed in the car for the crossing except I had to take Alex to the washroom once. If you’re a middle aged woman, hanging around the mens room door is not a fun place to be for five minutes, especially when part of the floor show is a pair of polished Instagram wannabes setting up shots of her midriff – and his I don’t know what – but they didn’t notice me gurning at them in the background so that was okay. I just told Alex about me making faces at them and we had a good laugh.

Ryker literally smiled the instant he saw pOp. Great moments in bein’ a grandma. My mother was cold with dread that he wouldn’t like her and of course that was the opposite of what happened. He scoped her out in seconds and then her arms got tired and she handed him back, a little dripping with happiness (and I’m like OH LOOK I’M ONE EIGHTH RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CUTENESS the way I always insert myself into glory if I think I can get away with it.)

Garry and Dianne were here as well but I did not see them for their health and safety. I am sorry that our appearance put a spanner in their visit, but they’ll be back Wednesday.

I sold the SFF books for a reasonable price and met a simply lovely (masked) young man. Alex insisted on insinuating himself into the transaction and that was lovely too; always fun to show your SF drawings to people, right? So Michael found out about “Remain Indoors” my favourite of Alex’s drawings, which I brought with me to leave with the great grands. Transaction took place strictly outdoors, and I wrapped the books in a strip of cloth with busty ladies of classic SF on it and Michael immediately started figuring out where to stick it in his apartment, so that was both profitable and fun.

Alex has a Five Nights with Freddie plushie. It’s worth a young fortune by all accounts so he wrote his name on its ass and the idea that El Plusho got Alex’s name tattooed on his ass is very funny to me.

Alex is a big brother. He takes his responsibilities in his family extremely seriously and helps in material and emotional ways, all the time, without fanfare. I knew when I saw the picture of him holding baby Leo (Katie’s best friends second child – there are some names in our extended family that are just there! lol hope you’re reading this) that he would be a good big brother if he got the chance, but I really didn’t expect to be this impressed. He is completely attuned to his little brother’s state of being and he’s an enormous and consistent help to his mother.

And Ryker adores him. His smiles and wiggles as his brother holds, entertains and loves on him (and locates his soother) are balm for my wounded soul.

Today, ONTIE MARY oh lord. Haven’t seen her in at least three years, and we’ve been corresponding irregularly but amusingly (her last two letters had me slumped over the kitchen table, howling with laughter) so it will be most diverting to see her emerge from a taxi, fling books at her sister, fling something, I will be amused and amazed to see what, but probably books, at me, and then flee back into the taxi to Esquimalt.

Today, after Mary, there will be a trip to various countryside establishments for tea, and possibly at Alex’s request, a trip to the Butterfly House, and then home.

I am so happy. Nothing lasts, but I wrote it down, and I can go back to this whenever I like and remember something perfect and family and sweet, even as the world I grew up in dissolves in the acid of war and climate change. And we didn’t take any pictures, but neither did our ancestors, and they got along on their memories just fine.





Exceedingly windy right now, I’m worried a bit about our travel plans

My head’s empty and my mood is blank. I have a ton of things to do before I leave.

Heard from Mike. It was good to hear his voice.

Heard from Paul. He was having trouble with the website that you have to fill out a form for in order to return to Canada. After I, like a fool, volunteered to help him I learned that I had to actually be logged in to the site which I couldn’t do, so I told him to go talk to Hank (where he’s a houseguest) about that. Hopefully he’ll make it home, the alternative is an enormous fine.

7623 words, quite a bit of ratchet editing; two kudos overnight. If the averages hold, that means that twenty people across the surface of the planet were reading my fanfic last night.

I really should pack, lol. The wind better die down or they’ll cancel the ferry.

I am cautiously pleased about the price I should be getting for some books.

thinking of John tonight, this is a drawing by Brooke…

another cat pic

Kyiv is still Ukrainian

Putin’s a month into his war and he’s achieved so few of his original objectives that some commentators, while not exactly mocking him, are starting to worry that he’s being thwarted, which makes him prone to lash out and be dangerous and threaten nukes, repeatedly. He’s already put at least two hundred children in the ground. Why, if it wasn’t for the wars on the populations of Yemen and Syria, which Russia’s armed forces have helped to prosecute these past many years, and previous Russian outings in Ukraine and Chechnya, I wouldn’t have anything to compare it to.

Learned about SKIF’s, the Ukrainian country/urban tank killer, whose name literally means ‘Scythian’. They’re ferociously effective in modern warfare, cheap like borscht compared to the arms it can kill. It’s a modern day crossbow in terms of its asymmetrical warfare effects – it can take down a person, a vehicle, a tank, a chopper OR – with luck – a jet.

Two kudos overnight, very surprised by one of them; one of the stories I posted to AO3 is a complete outlier because the central character dyad is not destiel, it’s a three person triad that turns into a polyamorous household full of kids, and all this while the lead character is dealing with CRUSHING depression, new fatherhood, and coming to terms with being bisexual. So it has a million feels and some very dramatic and technical sex scenes and it’s not like anything else I’ve posted. (SO it doesn’t get much love.) The other kudo, from another person, is for my most popular fic, which has more than 6000 hits now, and a 4% kudo to hit ratio.

Weather kinda miserable and damp.

very complex ‘tholian web’  migraine imagery just now. It’s probably pollen triggered, it’s just been HORRIBLE, how crappy the allergens have been making me and Jeff feel. I feel brain dead, and then I perk up a bit, and then there’s another puff of cedar pollen and BRAIN DED AGIN. Now it’s a square full of vibrating chevrons; now it’s fuzz. Now it’s fading. dammit I need coffee.

Report has come that one of the Dunnetteers from Toronto has passed of cancer. The kind words are coming in and people are speaking well of the dead; she sounds like she was a superior sort of person and we’re also told she was well cared for, and having been through sitting with Tom (even though it wasn’t much and I didn’t materially assist, not really) I am glad that she was, and that no one stinted on the morphine.

Wordle in three this morning. Somebody I follow on twitter made a hint, that the word seemed apropos today, and that really helped. Didn’t hurt that I guessed the first letter of the word right out of the gate.

R value across Canada has dipped way below one. We’ll still get another surge as the new variant comes through (BA.2) but it won’t be as bad. I feel safer and I’m not as worried about my loved ones, especially my immunocompromised loved ones, but you have to watch the numbers…

Laundry’s all done, now I have to haul it upstairs and put it away. The rug survived being laundered, thank god, often the plastic backing comes off and then Jeff has to disassembled the machine to clear it out.

Time to go back to the world of Omar and Brad and Blossom.

Katie’s making plans to go back to work; I think childcare is going to be split between Suzanne and the (humph, advised not to post this descriptive but possibly offensive soubriquet) other grandma, with me as a backup I guess. There are many advantages to this as one can see, and one can only marvel at Ryker’s good fortune that when so many kids have no grandma’s he ended up somehow with three.

March Madness continues, and I’m adding new words to my conlang, admiring the hairdos of the contestants and their ability to pluck balls out of midair, steal them from each other and otherwise perform feats of athletic magic.

Ted Cruz the douche extraordinaire, brandishing a book which he very obviously has neither opened nor read, repurposed by the lovelies at Working Class History (on finer social media platforms everywhere):

This was a possible Hair Sinister cover: