From her Instagram today: Sometimes I go for a walk on my lunch break and the light is hitting trees and things *just right*. #NotesFromThePandemic #yvr #PNW #StanleyPark #Vancouver #BlackAndWhitePhotography #BlackAndWhite #ThingsISeeOnMyWalks #Hipstamatic
I am still fighting with abdominal pain but it’s getting better and it isn’t affecting my ability to eat. I think I am taking so many pills suddenly that I’ve bruised my esophagus and am possibly working on a hiatus hernia. It’s also possible that this happened AT THE SAME TIME I gave myself costochondritis from shovelling every day for a week. If the pain continues I don’t know what I’ll do, the doctor’s gone for weeks.
My BP is excellent, and I’m about to eat a low sodium home made meal.
Daily visitors has dropped off super hard since Christmas, like fifteen visitors a day. I know, I know, only the strong survive.
Drugs achieved; that was unpleasant. Picked up Jeff’s while I was at it.
I made egg cheese ham whole wheat burritos for breakfast.
I am now loafing and lazing the rest of the day away, because yesterday was a grind.
I am considering not expiring of impotent rage but enacting this involves voluntarily going out when the rain is occasionally coming down sideways. Will it be invigorating?
Comes the voice, dripping with scorn, of John… “I won’t dignify that with an answer.”
Aware. It’s hard to find the holy in the hellfire. Moloch’s marching up with thousands of human servants and my terror is a place I try to stuff into a reasonable sized compartment. Now I understand why apocalyptic stuff is so figurative, how do you describe a transition zone of culture when shit just quits working and even the rich (rarely, especially the rich) are having a tough time.
Sometimes I think about ideas and governance and self governance and (my always favourite) moderated delegated consensus across people’s aspirations, needs and capacities. I think I’m minutes from a breakthrough. Now that’s what I call gullibility. It is, and always has been, a feature, a very distinct feature, of my autistic nature.
Will I stop being such a feckin’ nervous Nellie? Of course in our family Nellies weren’t nervous.
I send hogs and kisses to my pOp, because he’s feeling porely, although well enough to comment on his own behalf (usually relayed through mOm on the phone). If he’s in the room he’s in on the conversation. I always enjoy mOm passing along the message because either she’s trying to truncate the message to meet pOp’s stringent requirements with respect to What is Germane? or she’s trying to get the quote exactly right, and either way, for unintentional comic effect it’s an experience with few peers. Okay without the sevenhundred thousand injokes it might not be the same experience for you. But for me and mOm and pOp it’s about as much of a communal experience as you get these days. But this isn’t the phone, so Hogs and Kisses pOp.
My doc was a no show for my last appointment, when I was supposed to get my prescriptions updated, and I got victim blamed after half an hour of trying to get through to the clinic for not realizing she doesn’t do phone renewals. I knew that, I just COULDN’T GET A FUCKING APPT and now I can’t for FOUR WEEKS.
I’m about to run out of meds that, if I don’t take them, will cause me to be at risk of stroke or brain bleed so FUCK MY BLOOD PRESSURE DURING A PANDEMIC, RIGHT?
ANYWAY if I die, please ask Jeff who my doctor was so you can send her my regards posthumously. I’m so angry and scared I’m losing it, hard.
AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE BLOOD TODAY and I can’t because I was reluctantly given an emergency appointment that my doc may very well bail on that falls at the same time. I’M TRYING TO BE SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE HERE and fuck my life, seriously.
Someone posted a pic of their pet Eclectus and I was thinking of Little E. I tried to find the pictures pOp sent me in 2016 but I can’t find them, or I’d post them.
I have a nasty sore on the back of my neck from where my necklace was rubbing. Sigh. I am not a jewellery person. I shall douse it with peroxide at some point today.
The abdominal pain, if I’m interpreting the signs correctly, is actually back and muscle pain from a lightly pinched nerve from shovelling, worsened by inactivity and the fact that my ribs shift around a little. I need to get out for a walk and unkink myself but we’re going to get rude amounts of rain today and I’m not walking around a mall in COVID spike whether I’ve got the N95 to deal with it or not. When I took a bath and submerged myself with a flat back the pain briefly quit and it’s been much better since. I thought it was my abdomen in pain referring to my back but it was the other way around. Bodies are weird man, getting ghosts to run meat is weird, weird weird.
Very close to finishing a fanfic, deleted about two hundred and fifty words that were running the story off a cliff and recovered my aplomb. It’s the shortest one. The 20K one is just gazing at me biliously.
from @rechelon’s twitter feed
I’m fine this morning but once again had abdominal discomfort last night. Not exactly pain, just weirdness, in more or less the same place as before.
Didn’t stop me from making salad, chicken thighs and baked yams for tea.
Now waiting for the Expanse season/series finale on January 14. Please, no asteroids strike the planet between now and then (although we had another near miss last night, did you hear about that? 1/4 the distance to the moon, that little rock whipped by…)
I am going to quite openly state that although I am not at risk of self-harm and I’m not in any danger, my mental health is as bad as it’s been since the pandemic started. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What’s the point? my poor raddled body brain thinks. So if you get a phone call from me it’s because I’ve bobbed up through this state of mind long enough to contact someone and be civil… the rest of the time I don’t even want to imagine how a phone call might go. And despite all this Jeff and I are prioritizing being civil to each other. The idea of going through this pandemic without peace at home makes me feel like lightning.
I’m so worried for Alex. Ryker is breastfed and his mother’s vaccinated so he’ll likely be okay, but Alex has asthma and I’m so scared for him. Who knows when in class instruction will start again. (oh, apparently it has already o.O)
I was working on a poem about the Moloch energy and now I can’t because the child sacrificer is standing right in front of us all. It’s terrifying.
So, there’s a very energetically written and on-the-surface well-thought-out think piece at Palladium. I read stuff like this from time to time to energize me, give me new ideas and to refine my thinking on such matters as productivity and the zeitgeist. Also, although I didn’t want to quit, I’ve had to quit my last jobs because they were either actively trying to kill me or had made it clear that they wanted a worker who would work more and comment less and I was just plain not working my way around to the boss’s way of thinking, not for a pay cheque that just barely made it over minimum wage. So I wanted to see what this guy thought was what.
After I read the piece, I looked up where his remaining relatives are in Vancouver, and they’re in ritzy parts of town. I just wanted to see if this guy’s attitude was groomed by intergenerational wealth. I can’t prove anything from addresses of course, so I guess I am forced to assume that he’s like me; he had a lot of advantages from his birth family and that they are comfortably placed in terms of acquired wealth. Difference between me and Wolf is that I mention mine, ie, that I would quite literally starve in the street if my parents weren’t supporting me at the moment. (Until the moment that I ended up living at Caspell Junction, I mean, because part of my intergenerational wealth is my healthy grown family and I can’t see Katie letting me live and or starve in the street.)
First paragraph BOLD MOVE quitting your job and looking for a life companion. In that economy? Anyway, one must admire an optimist. And he’s an engineer! practical, dynamic, responsible for maintaining civilization (The Great Leslie smiles and emits a photon! ting!)
Second paragraph, okay, now I actively am on guard against you, whoever you are, cheerfully and casually admitting that you negged your future wife the first time you met her. Perhaps she didn’t get your measure, but I think men who do that are crap in a can, and I am now reading your piece with my back up and a sour expression on my generally sour puss. Oh, Providence is on yer side is it pet, get back to me when she’s divorced you. As I can guarantee she will, if she isn’t planning on it already.
Third paragraph: okay, you’re the world’s most efficient and possibly classiest mooch and user, got it. Got your friends to pay for/ arrange your wedding, nicely done! Married a woman even more frugal than you are, score! It’s hard finding someone who agrees with you on the big issues. Well done.
Fourth paragraph: what in the entire fuck, dude. I shall ditto it in its entirety, because unpacking the assumptions therein is chewing through my cycles at a ghastly rate so I need it in front of me.
When I wasn’t lifting and courting, I was building a network of intellectuals interested in problems of governance from beyond the established liberal democratic paradigm. I didn’t know why it was interesting. In fact, I thought it was a vice. “This is bad for your career,” said the little wage-slave voice in my head, “you should be focusing on more lucrative projects.”
Okay. After preening about his sociobiological fitness, he says that he’s building a network of intellectuals interested in problems of governance from beyond the established liberal democratic paradigm.
Cool. That means OF COURSE that you’re consulting with Indigenous activists, academics, and knowledge keepers and
I’m a fat old white lady living in Burnaby, and you just cannot reasonably expect anyone who cares about ‘problems in governance’ –– without dealing with land theft and the practices of the Indigenous people of this place –– and this gentleman can’t be bothered to think or write about either.
The implication is that he’s only considering the thoughts of other white men when it comes to ‘problems in governance’. I mean WHAT DO YOU THINK a white man MEANS when he says NETWORK OF INTELLECTUALS? After ten years on twitter and twenty on social media I sure’s fuck know what it means to me, but I’m, you know, dark-hearted.
Lacks prove nothing, but don’t you think this absence is a teeny tiny suspicious? I’m on guard against his continued utterances with absolutely no further magnanimity, because he’s shown enough of his true self to appear about as convincingly genuine and smart as Boris Johnson.
“I didn’t know why it was interesting.”
This looks like “My most trivial thoughts are important.”
Yeah, dude, I often have that sensation as well. Keeping a blog since 2004 has fixed me for that. My most trivial thoughts are trivial. They may become important later, if they are integrated into something more important like a song or artwork or writing, but most of what’s in my head is junk. It’s true, something can start small and get important, but this sentence that he’s written also makes me think things like, “If you don’t understand what your moral purpose is, it’s hard to connect one random thing to another in a structurally sound, clear and useful way.”
“In fact, I thought it was a vice.”
OOf. Thinking in anti-capitalist ways is a vice, got it. Or you used to think that. Okay.
“This is bad for your career,” said the little wage-slave voice in my head, “you should be focusing on more lucrative projects.”
Paul used to say things like this to me whenever I was writing. Or he’d tell me to concentrate on poetry, since it was classy or something. Until Paul apologized for the ways in which he’d blocked my songwriting – 25 years in, and obviously too late – this was the real live voice I had next to me in bed at night, so I get where Wolf (the author) is coming from here. Some sympathy. But not much.
It was through those networks.
Okay Wolf, just confirming that it was a coterie of white guys that helped you, since you’re not mentioning how your intellectual cheer squad is made up in any way of marginalized people. Maybe it’s jam-packed with them, but in 20fucking22 you aren’t mentioning it, so, once again, it’s the lack, lack, baby.
Then more patting himself on the back… I’m not sure he can help himself …
Me ‘n’ my friends put a show on in the barn?
Anyway, if you want a transcript of what this guy sounds like? Not saying you do, but here it is. “Growing up in BC made me an environmentalist.” LOL NO DUDE IT MADE YOU A HIKER, British Columbians have the worst record in Canada for throwing grease down their drains and environmentally degrading megaprojects. “Growing up in Canada meant I didn’t have the American political paradigm” RISIBLE Then he says he was raised Unitarian. LOL I wrote a homily called the tyranny of nice specifically for self-deluding Unitarians, so now I have an even better insight into the kind of self-calming behaviour this guy is demonstrating.
And do you not find it interesting that he considers California to be the centre of the universe and FLEES TO BC for COVID? Okay, enough of picking on this poor mecheng.
Back to the main stage:
I’ma skip ahead to the parts that made my blood run cold:
His spirited defence of Elon Musk, raised rich by racist emerald mine owners. DUDE THIS IS NOT A STEP AWAY FROM NEOLIBERALISM, this IS NEOLIBERALISM.
and then this paragraph, which drove the breath from my body with its ableism and eugenics fluffing language
Yes, even the bane of Darwin’s faith—the humble ichneumon wasp that lays its maggots inside the living bodies of caterpillars to eat them from the inside and burst out on maturity like some alien xenomorph—is a beautiful creature with a sacred task. Like many parasites, its role in the great chain of being is to test the health and defenses of its caterpillar host population. Its predation weeds out the sickly, preventing the much uglier injustice of collective weakness and disease, and spurring the evolution of stronger and even more beautiful life. Even fearsome Nemesis, born from chaos via night and darkness, is ultimately the hand of God and the minister of justice. Even the supposed exceptions to justice prove its rule.
So COVID disproportionately killing disabled people is ‘spurring the evolution of stronger and even more beautiful life’. By his logic. Absolutely disgusting, and he DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE HE’S DOING IT.
Because if you asked him how he feels about disabled people, he wouldn’t say anything of the sort, certainly not while the mic was live, but he’s okay with using metaphors that would pinch out disabled lives without a backward glance AND HE HAS NO ONE IN HIS LIFE OR EDITORIAL CIRCLE WHO WILL CATCH HIM ON IT.
I tire of these efforts, so I’ll end with this. This man, well-intentioned, well-educated, and whiter than boiled chicken thighs on rice, has NO FUCKING BUSINESS setting himself up as an expert on governance.
Any more than I do…. which is why I don’t. I have opinions, but I’m not an expert.
Please, if you’re going to be supporting ‘alternatives in thinking about governance’ give your money to the people of colour who’ve DONE THE WORK.
Saw the Fam today when Jeff and I took Alex’s computer over to Caspell Junction; he was thrilled and we actually had a family chinwag and it was so lovely.
Spoke to Peggy on the phone; I wish I could recount even a third of what we talked about, given how hard we were laughing but no, it’s all either not my story or unsuitable for repetition. It was good to hear her laugh.
Spoke to mOm on the phone and conveyed to her that we had a little window of family happiness today and it was lovely.
I am starting to have the strange feeling that this is a bone problem, not an innards problem. You will recollect that I fell in the spring and hurt my ribs. This is starting to feel similar. Anyway, I still have pain, but it may be just ordinary back pain with shovelling pain on top. And I can sleep so it’s not that bad.
BC is about to experience an atmospheric river AGAIN 72 hours of solid rain, on top of snow goddamn.
They ask you why you want to cancel and give you 100 characters LOL
So I said,
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So… the pain went until about 8:30, 9 pm last night. I very slowly found a position that would allow me to breathe without it hurting. Pain was diffuse and on the right side of my abdomen, with referred pain up to my right shoulderblade.
Was it a kidney stone? Gas? My digestive tract twisting? Grumbly appendix? Surgical adhesions being crabby? Liver pain (and if so, what from??) Indigestion? Some new weird form of heartburn? (Tums didn’t really help, but didn’t hurt either)… it lasted the best part of 8 hours and was really horrible.
Slept until 1:30 and now can’t go back to sleep. Sigh.
I will do my best not to complain…
Normally I spend some time talking to Suzanne while she’s here and I was literally too fucked up to say more than a few words to her. She visited Ryker yesterday while dropping Alex off after a sleepover and she says he’s grown a BUNCH… which as pOp has observed many times, they tend to do at this age.
We’ve started Expanse S6
I think what I’m having is a very slow moving anxiety attack. My abdomen feels strange but not sensitive to poke, so I had a half hour hot bath to relax myself and I’m back in bed.
Suzanne came. Clean bathrooms shall be ours.
Overheard: “I don’t know, January sixth just doesn’t have the same ring as the fifth of November.”
NONSENSE it’s perfect
It’s scary, be wary of sixth January, capitol treason and plot!
The MAGA jerks came in with QAnon shaman and OMG guys could u not
…I’ll see myself out.