my favourite swears

When startled, I say, “Shit Fuck Cocksucker!” more or less all as one word. I hardly ever otherwise use the word ‘cocksucker’ in conversation unless we’re talking about ‘Deadwood’, which, if you’ve seen the show, you will agree is a special case.

“Goddammit all to hell.”


“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Please God make it stop.” This is always me being sarcastic, as the concept of a personal God, while useful, is not one I subscribe to. It’s said as all one word.

“Jesus Christ did a shark bite your fucking turn signal off.” Came up with this in traffic one day, it just came out my mouth.

“Shut the fuck up you fishfaced bawbag.” May substitute ‘fuckfaced’, ‘hairy’, ‘diseased’, ‘halfchewed’, ‘unmitigated’ and variants on ‘slimy’, ‘dirty’, ‘muck-encrusted’, ‘ugly’ and words which otherwise indicate total lack of charm. These kinds of exclamations are reserved for villains on tv shows. I have a tough time imagining saying it to someone in real life, for real.

“Christ wept.”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” but I only say this when something unexpected and pleasant happens, and add whatever the unexpected and pleasant thing is.

“Christ on a crutch.”

“Fuck that guy right into the sun.”

“JESUS SAVES his roaches ’cause he’s thrifty.”


When I think someone is being an ignorant asshole, I may refer to them as a ‘witless mofo’.

If I think somebody is bringing a little too much toxic masculinity and too thin a skin to the everlovin’ discourse, I may just call him a ‘pindicked scold’. I am well aware this is a gendered slur. I try to be careful of the rooms and spaces I use it in.

I like ‘dickweed’, ‘shitheel’, ‘schmuck’, ‘cockwomble’, ‘bellend’, ‘dogdick’ (from the Russian vernacular). I’ve tried to get rid of ‘bitch’, but I still say ‘dirty great cow’ in reference to women I hold in disfavour a great deal more than I should which is candidly not at all. I may refer to a lazy incompetent as a ‘slack-ass(ed) ho’, too, so I drag sex workers into my misogyny when I swear sometimes.

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Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

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