Barbecue and family ties

Jeff and Paul and the kids and I watched the season finale of CSI, and had a barbecue last night.  It was really great to get the ‘cue out again.  The back yard is still a disaster, but at least it’s flat again.  Paul and I went for a walk and saw some very remarkable houses. Broken marble floor tiles paving a back yard?  This is an odd neighbourhood, but very quiet, and Paul is appreciating peace and quiet right now.

I called Kim yesterday and the house in Burnaby is about 1 week from being  ready for occupancy. Katie’s coming over Monday to help me pack and clean things.

I am not exactly full of energy, but at least I’m not in lying around crying mode, and I consider that an improvement.  Spoke to Ruth last night.  She said a couple of things that broke my heart with pity, but I was expecting it.  Ruth and John had a very special sibling bond, and were always very loving and supportive to each other.  (Well, after they stopped living at home and being teenagers, and we all know what I mean by that.)  And he was her big brother.  I never had one… until John came along. I sure feel like I appreciate Jeff more all of a sudden; it’s showing it in any meaningful and constructive way that remains a challenge.

If there’s anything that can break your heart more than family, I don’t know what it is.

Gizmo went for a walk with Jeff and then decided he found something worth investigating and hasn’t come home yet.

old in laws / que l’on continue

Carrie called last night.  She’s way the hell and gone up in Telegraph Creek, but she’s going to try to make it to the memorial service.  She never got my email and found out from my blog (Gott in Himmel) and had basically been crying for days.    We were young and pretty together; our first children were born within three days of each other; we both loved John although we had damned strange ways of showing it sometimes.  Carrie was married to John for a couple of years and she did date him twice after they broke up.  I had issues with Carrie, sure, but that was a quarter century ago, and now we get along fine, and her last visit was delightful.  I know for a fact Paul would love to see her, or whatever emotion you can feel when you’re alternately numb, bleak and limitlessly sad.

Paul and I and the kids had supper together and then Paul and I just cried for a while.  Keith and Kate are both grieving in their own way but grimly sticking to their schoolwork.  Katie says she’ll be in better shape after the memorial… I hope so. Keith is talking to his dad about it, not me, which I think is a good thing.  There’s no timetable or cut sheet for grief.

I had John’s Fender resonator out of the case last night.  It was in tune… in E minor.

Paul is remembering that the last time he spent time with his brother they played guitars.  They hadn’t been alone together and playing guitars in more years than Paul could remember.

Kopper has a laugh

Kopper went to TO recently for a whirlwind weekend with one of her daughters.  Got together with Tammy for part of an evening, which makes me very happy, and shared this delicious bit of oops with me:  Mayday was playing on the cabin entertainment. She also got to ride in a limo and stay in a very nice hotel… best Mother’s Day in years I imagine. I liked my geeky Mom’s day just fine.

I have finally gotten a proper night of sleep but I am still messed up from crying off and on for the last two days.  My eyes feel gritty and my head feels like sensate bathroom tissue.

almost there

I almost, and I mean almost got to the end of the song I wrote for John’s memorial service (which will be played at the housefilk afterwards, not the memorial, because the memorial is not about me) but I didn’t make it and cried buckets.  So did we all, it was pretty drippy.

I have located John’s black silk shirt with neon frogs – there must be a hundred pics of him wearing it at conventions – and Juliana has very sweetly offered to part with it.  The dragon I embroidered for him has vanished.  I am saddened, but not devastated.  I’ll just have to do another one, and better.  I am thinking of getting a memorial tattoo for John, but the more I work on the design the more ludicrous it gets.   A gryphon – his totem animal, which is perfect, because it’s imaginary – with a guitar slung over its back and a black rose in its mouth?  eh.  erm.

Home made Chinese food at the House of Tom and Peggy, and Joe ripped cd’s of John’s only extant music – until we find more – and it’s raining and I hate my hormones and I should quit typing and go to sleep.  The little girl is resting next to me right now with a quizzical expression.  So tired.  So wired.  So much to do and not much month to do it in.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

You can read my Mother’s Day homily if you feel like it… it’s the most topical thing I have lying around the site. I remember reading portions of it aloud to John while I was working on it. I remember a lot.

The song for John is more or less finished.  In the song I pretend to be John, commenting on his own funeral.  Paul came by late last night and I woke up from my exhausted, tear stained sleep to feel him giving me a hug, so of course I just started crying again and recited the lyrics to him.  He was quiet for so long afterwards I thought he’d gone to sleep.  We talked for a bit and he took Keith home.

Yesterday was the worst.  The floodgates opened, and I’m crying again now as I type. I’ve got to get up and start doing something, anything.

I know it’s too soon

But I’m working on a song for John.  I’ve got the chorus and that’s always a very good place to start.

I am so thankful to my mother and father right now for being supportive to Paul and Lois and Ruth while they worked on the admittedly  trying task of tidying up John’s stuff.

I’m very glad I’ve got a new home to move to, as well.  I’m going to enjoy being closer to folks.

Funny – or at least I think so

To find this amusing, you must have liked and be able to recognize the characters from the Lord of the Rings movies. It totally sends up the utter inane slashiness of putting that many pretty men in one room.  Elijah Wood?  Viggo Mortenson?  Orlando frikkin Bloom?

Ruth and Lois and Paul were going to drop John’s stuff in my locker, but I just checked  the time and the gates lock at 9 pm.  So no go.  I won’t get to see them before they go back.