Author: Allegra

STUPID FLYING TRICKS FOR HUMANS!

1. Bother to collect frequent flyer miles! They eventually add up even if you don’t fly a lot, and then you can fly places for free or at a heavy discount. I fly everywhere I can on Alaska, even if the fare is slightly higher than another airline (usually they’re pretty good, though.) because they have a really generous mileage plan. (If it’s a route I’ve never flown before, I do a quick check on expedia to see if the fare is way out of line or not.) I get two or three free round-trips a year from them on miles. (Partly because of #2.) Whee! Plus after you collect a certain number of miles they start treating you like you’re a rock star, randomly upgrading you to first class, giving you bonus miles, waiving baggage fees, letting you skip lineups.

2. Get an airline mile credit card. I figured out that my alaska card works out to basically getting 4% cash back in the form of free plane tickets, which is better than any cashback cards I’ve had offers for. (Plus or minus a percent, depending on how expensive the tickets would have been if I paid cash.) Also it comes with coupons for cheap companion fares, and you get 1000 bonus miles this, 1000 bonus miles that all the time for seemingly random reasons. It makes me happy to pay my house insurance because I imagine the bill moving a little stick figure me across a map on a crayon airplane.

3. Book several months in advance if your dates aren’t flexible. Usually about 3 months out is the cheapest, except for last-minute seats on unpopular routes, but that’s dodgy to count on. This varies a lot by route – like, I know that _two_ months ahead of FKO is when Westjet and AC have the cheapest seats – but it’s a good rule of thumb. (Bing.com/travel has a fare predictor, since Microsoft bought farecast. I have never found it that handy because it has crappy data for my hometown, but your city might be one of their useful spots.) If you book more than 3 months ahead, you should go check your seats about 90 days before the flight, since they will randomly switch around what size plane they use. Check again a month ahead in case they went “Oops, this flight is way undersold, let’s put you on an Embraer and assign you the seat next to the stinky lav.” (This doesn’t happen to me with Alaska, since they have 737s, 737s, and 737s, but when I fly American it happens all the damn time.)

4. Check in to your flight as soon as you can on the web! Usually this is 24 hours ahead these days. Sometimes you can switch for free to a way better seat that they were hoping to sell for more bucks but didn’t.

5. Do you know about seatguru.com? It has the seat layouts for pretty much every airline, and commentary on which seats are good or bad and why. It’s SO HANDY.

6. It’s time to fly! Be polite, friendly, but not chatty with the customs officers. Be really organized with the TSA. If you have your shoes off, your laptop out, your liquids in a baggie, your boarding pass and passport in your hand, and a bored expression on your face, they usually save the harassment theatre for someone else. (If you’re white, cis-gendered and able-bodied, that is. :/ Oh Homeland Security.) I always bring a blanket and a stuffed animal big enough to use as a pillow on the plane so I can sleep through the parts where you aren’t allowed to listen to headphones.

7. Stay calm about things. Turbulence happens! Pretend you’re on a ride. Delays happen! It’s okay, you will get there anyway, they will take care of you. People budge in front of you in line! The plane’s not leaving until everyone is on, and once you’ve landed, even the last person off will still stand around waiting for their baggage. There might be crying babies, unpleasant seat mates, and gross food! Write imaginary articles about them for the in-flight magazine.

8. Read the in-flight magazine! Sometimes previous travellers have written in notes. If no one has yet, write in some notes or start a game of tic-tac-toe. Or take the magazine and switch it for a different magazine and really confuse the next person. Also, watch the safety demonstration. The flight attendants are way more bored of it than you are, and some of them spice it up with dance moves, seriously.

9. Bring hard candies and a decongestant nose spray, in case your ears get really cranky. The one time you need them you will be so happy. Also put the charger for your cell phone in your carry-on, in case you are randomly delayed between connections.

10. Remember to look out the window and think I AM FOR REAL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A GODDAMN BIRD OH MAN HUMANS ARE AMAZING.

Okay now tell me your stupid flying tricks!