So I got canvassed last night. I really like Elaine S., she’s a very no nonsense individual. And I explained to her – not to her satisfaction – why I’m leaving again and she said she wasn’t happy about it but she would respect my decision.
Paul says that I just don’t do well in groups, and he’s absolutely right. I think one of the reasons we hang out together is because we both don’t do well in groups, but for different reasons. Paul thinks that everybody in the group should work as hard as he does and takes it as a personal affront when they don’t (and of course they rarely do). And I just want to be the boss, and get really crabby when I’m not. But I’m not entirely sure it’s a character defect, necessarily, I think it’s more likely my brain chemistry. Being high functioning autistic is a trial when you really CAN pass for normal! Anybody who spends any time with me knows I am severely abnormal, but it’s amazing how many people want to say things like “I’m eccentric!” Believe me, if you had my brain chemistry, you’d be freaking eccentric too. Of course, once you learn how you’re supposed to be when you’re behaving properly, you know when you’re deviating from the norm and it feels uncomfortable. Then on a beautiful fall day you realize HEY it’s okay. I’m not normal. Not only am I not normal, it’s my job to be abnormal in such a fashion that other people feel safe to be abnormal too. And to look at the definitions and restrictions on human behaviour which are just plain weird. And to have a darned good laugh at them. They exist for a reason, but do any of us remember what that reason is? I gotta go, I’ve got pecan chocolate chip cookies in the oven, and I just remembered why the batter for the first batch tasted odd. No vanilla! Must amend rest of dough. And write a comedy routine about what happens in cooking when there’s not enough vanilla. And in life. Oh boy. Think about vanilla. Vanilla beans. Vanilla ice cream. Vanilla sex.
