As we all know, forgiveness is easy as pie, and nobody ever has a hard time with it.

Yeah, right.

Dax is being encouraged to find another place to live by his roommates (not his landlord) and so he and Katie spent the night at Paul’s.  I happened to be over there last night and I counselled Paul to tell the happy couple they could crash for three nights and after that they’d have to find other accommodations – but only after he’d talked to Keith, who has another exam today and must have been freaked out at coming home and finding Dax there (although they have been civil to each other of late, at what must be great personal cost to Keith).

Katie is getting straight A’s and we made arrangements for payment of second term fees last night.

I learned that Alan and Janice are divorced.  Without going into details, this makes it at least possible for me to contemplate forgiving her for her despicable treatment of me during a phone call in February of 2007.  I find it difficult to believe I’ll ever find it in me to forgive Alan.  Janice behaved like a jerk and deserves forgiveness, whether or not she ever offers an apology. Alan displayed a coldness and calculation towards me, Paul and Janice that in retrospect makes me feel sick to the bone, angry through the heart, and utterly convinced that I will never, ever, truly know another human being. In leaving Paul, I got off lightly!  Isn’t that amazing?  But I’m thinking that in his ability to fool other people, without indulging in violence, Alan’s right up there with Ted Bundy.  I hope the women he is currently involved with know what they are in for when he tires of them; given how he keeps all the playactors in his life apart there’s a good chance they won’t. And given his luck, which is amazing – he’s the luckiest person I ever met – they won’t until after it’s too late to do anything.  Catherine, one of his exes, once rhetorically asked whether Janice knew that what happened to her would happen to Janice.  Well, I guess she knows now.  Alan will live out his lifescript and eventually find a much younger woman to comfort his declining years…. I am sure it will all be quite tidy and bloodless.

The foregoing is quite possibly the rudest and most emotionally fraught thing I’ve ever put on my blog, but I stand by it.  My inability to forgive Janice has been haunting my emotional life for two years, and I’m fucking glad I can end it.  My inability to forgive Alan I will transform into art.  Living well is the best revenge, say the sages.  And as Alan said many, many times in my hearing, when I still loved him, revenge is a dish best served cold.  Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.  I ain’t no Buddhist, and forgiveness for me is very, very hard.

Published by


Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

Leave a Reply