Author: Allegra

Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

An open letter to J.

who wants all the kinksters to stop promoting BDSM on the UU poly feed.  Best of British luck with that, darlin’.

 

letter begins…

I guess it all depends on whether you consider the uu-poly group to be a place to talk about kink.  I do, but it’s for the moderators to decide, if we aren’t a democracy.

I used to take what I thought was a moral stance on the subject of other people’s wacky sex practices, in line with how I was raised, of course, but once I figured out that what ‘paraphilias’ are, is a normal human response to various kinds of stress, plus wiring, plus repetition, I quit thinking it was necessarily a bad thing.  The moral issue is not whether it’s healthy by a narrow definition, but whether there is genuine consent.  Human beings of their nature have long childhoods and are incredibly social, and so experimentation with hierarchy in terms of dominance and submission is not just normal, it’s inevitable. And along with inevitable, we will get extreme. 

Paraphilias have been defined as a trifecta of sexuality that is extreme and dangerous and abnormal.  Funny thing; I think of rape the same way and yet we have a large constituency of people, both men and women, who think rape is part of the normal course of events – and a desirable one too, as it allows rapists to provide tools of social control for the society at large.
If we want to travel down the path of having our sexuality defined by those who will profit by othering us, then we’re getting off the UU train entirely.

In that regard the kink community has been leading the way for a number of years with an emphasis on consent for scenes. Humans contain a multitude of sexual possibilities and as long as all parties are able to give and obtain agreement for activities my opinion on whether those activities are harmful is just wind.
Paraphilias concerning those who cannot by nature give consent (children, animals, unconscious and disabled, as examples) need a better class of scientists and therapists to figure out what’s going on so it can be controlled for the benefit of all, because the people who came up with the DSM have harmed our culture almost irreparably; each successive iteration has been an object lesson in legitimized othering. I could start raving about the drug companies too and how long it took to get queerness out of the DSM but that rant’s been done better elsewhere.
Paraphilias involving consenting adults who play in safe spaces and in a fashion that isn’t a menace to public health are not my concern. Which is why I choose to call THOSE paraphilias kink, and will use the freighted medical term for people who get off forcing their violent imaginations and lust on those weaker than themselves.  Solitary paraphiliacs I just feel sorry for but I always was a softie.
I don’t want to other people.  Draw the circle wide, friends. We all need love and acceptance, and we have to model it, whether we feel like punching each other out occasionally or not, or want the (pick a minority group) – oops, I meant kinksters – to leave the room while we’re talking about our serious matters.
Letter ends
At least I didn’t say tone troll, evoke Hitler or tell her to go fuck herself, so there’s that.  I didn’t have permission to quote her letter, which was a masterpiece of liberal uptightness, srsly.

Pictures of food

There is a long standing tradition of people showing other people food on the internet.  And there’s a long standing tradition of people being bitchy about it.  If you google “people who take pictures of food” you will get an assortment of comments, some going so far as to say that it’s a sign of mental (deep breaths) illness, that it’s selfish, that it’s faux-arty, that it’s a status thing, that it’s a hyped up kind of cluelessness with a side of privilege.  I suppose it could be all of those things, but I like putting the scalpel in past the bone.

I return to my original thesis, which is that every human behaviour has its roots in biology, and that the cultural overlay determines how we express that biology. Nature brings the players and the culture determines the game, so to speak.

From the top; in a state of nature, human beings share food with close family and kin; the traditions of hospitality, of sharing food with strangers, goes back so far that in my view it’s one of the behaviours that allowed humans to differentiate themselves from animals when we became self aware.  Bonobos, who share just under 99 percent of human DNA, share food, trade food and bribe with food among and across troupes.   In a state of nature which includes the internet, we will share virtual food with our virtual friends, most of whom exist in real life and aren’t going to judge the living fuck out of us for wanting to prove that we get to eat yummy food.  The reasons for doing it are the same as we do in real life.  We will share out the yummy stuff, and that is what we prefer to remember.  I don’t see people posting pictures of the power bar that prevented them from passing out from low blood sugar, or the lunch they brought from home; they share pictures of high quality calories and artful tastiness.  Sometimes if they get something gross they will share a picture of it; “I bit into my KFC and lookie here at the special treat they gave me!” because they were disgusted and they know that even total strangers will see the picture and feel the disappointment, disgust and aggravation they felt.

Pictures of food are a completely normal and natural movement of our biology into technological space. You can shame people into doing it less, but you aren’t going to stop them, and even the people who say they never do it or find it really offputting occasionally do it.  Enough with the shame.  We’re sharing food, and IF YOU WERE HERE you could have some. I’d really like you to join me!

Paddy’s wake starts at six on Friday.  Mike and I are going.  It is going to be very tough and probably some fun too, as wakes often are. We must love each other while we can.

Had a lovely long chat with Katie and a briefer one with mOm to catch her up, yesterday.  Now to see if I can get Jeff to watch Costumes of Assholes with me.

 

 

Sorrow

Paddy’s dead; she died last night holding her daughter Steph’s hand.  I was supposed to go visit her but working full time and not having a car – I said – prevented me.  Now I feel very stupid.  Visiting the sick is something you do without feeling sorry for yourself.  I will give some money to an organization that assists young genderqueer people in her honour, and ask for some peace on the subject.

Paddy was my buddy Mike’s former mom in law.

Gratitude

Rev Samaya did her thang at church yesterday, and it was a wonderful, chatty sermon on gratitude.  In gratitude for the weather gods lightening up, I actually got Jeff to examine the gas mower and get it running (after sitting idle all winter I didn’t find myself competent or comfy with doing that, and I am very glad I did the mowing yesterday because the grass was getting big enough to hide hunting cats in.  I also made meatballs.  They are quite tasty, Jeff appears to approve.

It was a restful weekend, and I’m ready for more training.  I think I’m getting my feet under me, but I should not be over confident….

Cousin Alex fed Keith and Paul yesterday, which was awesome.

bragging

I just got a perfect game in Sherlock, 8 tiles by 8 tiles, with a time of 5:52.  This means that in a logic puzzle of 64 tiles, with 111 clues, I solved it in 352 seconds.  For me a good time is less than ten minutes, so I’m thrilled.

Sherlock does actually exercise the brain, so I am very happy about this.

Note from 2020 (5:15 in 116 moves) ha ha and you can buy the game here: (website was born a long time ago, be nice) https://www.kaser.com/sherwin.html

background and foreground

Foreground is work and the ordinary run of domestic stuff; in the background, there are romantic rumblings, projects being thought about, and a prayer for the dejunking fairy to kick my ass into something resembling activity.

 

Other than that, I haven’t much to say.  As I get older, I wait for more news before commenting.  By the time I get it I find I was right not to get too upset.

 

 

Here I am at the end of another week

It is NOT as if time was crawling when I was unemployed, but now it’s going so fast I’m feeling like every second is a blur of paper.

I am making stupid mistakes and good catches at work.  I hope it averages out to continued employment.  You just don’t get a team like this every day… everybody is so civilized and hardworking (compared to me).  I could whine about the variability of it, but that’s what food is like.  Prices go up and down in the cycle of the seasons and nothing stays the same.

One of my fave coworkers is off in her homeland visiting rellies. I miss her because she is one of the most intelligent and yet sunny tempered individuals I have recently met. (I keep wanting to introduce her to my son, which would be grossly inappropriate in so many ways). I miss her because the most administrative portion of her job fell to me in her absence and it’s fussy and important.  So, nervous.

I am going to work on crochet and forgiveness this weekend; along with some stuff I should have attended to ages ago.  Although I am tired all the time, certain kinds of energy I didn’t have last fall have come back into my life.

I am having better communication with people I am intimate with, and that makes me calmer.  I don’t feel like everybody should be able to read my mind any more.  I know I can be a sore trial as a friend sometimes, when I’m not expansive and entertaining.

Jeff loaned me the vehicle yesterday.  I got home much faster than usual and it made a big difference to my mood all day.  I am very grateful, especially since it did inconvenience him.

Keith is apparently hiking off to Edmonton in mid May.  I will miss him, but he’s at the point in his life when he’s going to take off and adventure, and that’s good.

I learned from Katie that the baby will take her last name.  That was a calming bit of news.  I had lunch with her on Sunday as I was checking out.  It was a blessing to see her.  She’s still not showing; yet the ultrasound shows what looks to be a very robust looking kiddo.

Rob W phoned last night and we talked writing.  I don’t know what makes me an expert, except that I do more of it.  Volume is not necessarily a good aspect of production – think farts and you’ll know what I mean.  And yet it is by writing crap that we open the channels to the good stuff.

Well, off to find clothes and bus tickets and get out the door.  Boss lady is back today and much activity is in store.

Cuppa Joe serves the best hot chocolate in the city.  Srsly.

Edwardian hotels

So… the Arundel Mansion Hotel is awesome, but there are few things you need to know before you book in.

1.  YOU WILL NEED EARPLUGS.  They are supplied, but it’s noisy down here.

2.  You should probably bring an extension cord if you want to charge anything in your room overnight.

3.  If you are scared to operate an elevator which is roughly the same vintage as a Boer War survivor, don’t come, or stay on the lower floors and use the stairs.  The elevator is not automatic and it makes unearthly noises as it moves.  It is, however a complete delight. I love it.

4.  You WILL have to wash just about everything you need in the kitchen before you use it.  You are at the mercy of the housekeeping standards of the previous tenant, and the previous tenant didn’t even rinse the f*cking percolator.  I was employed for about ten minutes in the effort to restore it to some semblance of food safety.

5.  A claw footed tub is beautiful, but the surface finish may not meet your standards for cleanability.

6.  The wifi is not wonky, but it is slow.

7.  It is simply not possible to keep a place of this vintage to the cleanliness standards of modern hotels (such as they are, since everybody knows what happens if you turn a UV light on in a hotel room.)  That said, the linens and bedding are completely clean.

8.  It’s a sketchy neighbourhood, but I’ve never felt threatened.  If drug deals in the parking lot below (the one with the vintage Rolls Royce…) skeeve you out, you won’t like it.

9.  There is lots of food of varying kinds and quality and easy transportation and nice walks and touristy stuff close by.  The Keg, alas, is closed – there’s some kind of structural problem.

TL;DR – If you’re OCD, have no personal qualities such as adaptability, a sense of history and equanimity, and expect South Korean style internet access, you will hate it.  If history, quirkiness and creativity appeal to you, this is like a steampunk luxury indoor camping experience, and I love it, and I will be back.  Keith and Paul loved it.

 

A friend came over for coffee in the morning, and Paul and Keith took me to supper at the Heritage, and I wrote 1500 words in the middle, which is much less than I’d hoped and much more than I’ve done recently.  I pronounce myself pleased.  I’m gonna take video of the elevator  – it is a TRIP.

 

Off to work early this morning

I need time with my supervisor to actually learn my job…. and it’s not happening during regular hours.

Christie Blatchford is a ghastly excuse for a journalist.  I’ve never seen a more enthusiastic shill for values which support hatred and corporatism.  Gah.

Margot voluntarily remained in my lap and let me pet her for about five minutes yesterday without fleeing; them she remembered she’s not a lap cat and took off.

Paul came by with dun tot night before last, and talked to me about the restorative justice event he and Keith and Lois went to in Victoria (they got in a visit with mOm and pOp too).  I am so proud of the folks for doing that.  Thanks Jeff for updating John’s memorial site with that info.

I am REALLY looking forward to my writing weekend.  I’m going to hole up in a hotel and write for three days in a hundred year old building with clawfoot tubs and free wifi, best of both worlds thanks.

Well, if I’m going to get on the bus by quarter six I’d better root, ablute and scoot.  Root in the eating like a pig sense, not the other use of the verb.

The images and music from Upstream Color are still going through my head.  It’s an amazing movie, I’m looking forward to rewatching it as much as I enjoyed rewatching Primer.