Fun things to do in Burnaby!

– Encounter a bear in our parkland – Burnaby doesn’t enjoy 25% greenspace for nothing, y’all

– Experience one of the world’s most obnoxious English-speaking sidewalk preachers

– Thrill-seekers will enjoy the challenging brevity of all our highway on-ramps, and thrill harder to the challenging brevity of the attention span of most Burnaby drivers

– Try to find a residential address in Champlain Heights at night

– Enjoy an on-line city council meeting with Joe Shithead (okay it’s not his name any more but it’s funny)

– Ride the miniature train in Confederation Park (legit touristy thing)

– Get a cold malted beverage from Glenburne Dairy, but bring your own straw, the ones they supply suck little but ass, and call first, their hours of operation are wtf

– Catch COVID in the lineup for the Arcade at Brentwood

– Quarantine yourself at the Days Inn Motel afterwards

– Figure out the City of Burnaby garbage schedule without resorting to performance enhancing drugs (if you suffer from deficits to colour vision you can skip this one)

– Fistfight with your neighbours about parking

– Call Burnaby City Hall about parking

– Write a strongly worded letter to the editor of the Burnaby Now about parking

– Get Chris Campbell of the Burnaby Now to write an editorial about your letter. You won’t have to try too hard.

– Get a small dead fish dropped on your head by a heron in Fraser Foreshore Park

– Argue with anti-maskers in Deer Lake Park; flee to the parking lot like a little bitch when about twenty of their walking buddies show up behind them

– Quarantine yourself at the Days Inn Motel afterwards

– Write a review of all the Burnaby Skytrain stations in rank order from least to most scary. Post it to r/burnaby on reddit and watch the fur fly, kids!

– Be grateful you’re not in Whalley

– Visit one of the world’s most beautiful carousels. Bring earplugs.

– Blow through the speed trap at the bottom of Gaglardi Hill at 90kph and then cry all over the cop about how it shouldn’t be 60 kph if it’s built like the Coquihalla

– Get stuck behind the 100 bus in heavy traffic

– Try to beat the train signal on Cariboo Road

– Rent a hot, pipey two-stroke motorcycle, score a grab bag of pills and ride like Nic Cage up and down Kingsway all night

– Try to figure out if the restaurant you’re ordering delivery from is a money laundering operation

– Wake up to the terrifying sound of pyrotechnics for a night shoot at the location on Marine Drive

– Redesign the civic flag, please, have you seen that schmata