Stress test

Every once in a while a day comes along to challenge assumptions, force changes in plan and generally knock you off your perch. (almost 1000 words follow)

Because everything that happened to me yesterday that was SO VERY UPSETTING to me was entirely to do with the private and personal lives of people I respect too much to talk about them here, I won’t provide many details.

But it was interesting from the 30000 foot view anyway. So I’m going to talk about some of these events in very general terms.

Event number one involved attempting to manage tasks of daily living for someone else from 3500 km away. The only thing that made it better was when I stopped trying. I should have stopped trying earlier; I’ll remember what I learned yesterday and the INSTANT I get pushback I’ll do the most graceful handoff I can, or just drop the subject. I am not capable of helping everybody, not everybody needs help, and if people want to misinterpret every damned thing I say when I’m literally writing for content and clarity and emotional sparseness it’s my fault for continuing to think that I CAN communicate when something ain’t right. Sometimes you come back with flowers, sometimes with a molotov cocktail. Shrug. I hope I know better next time, if there’s a next time. I am residually angry about it, but that will dissipate.

Event number two has been taking shape in someone else’s personal life for a number of months now. Things came to a head over the last 72 hours and then POOF kaBANG it was over. (Some cleanup will be required, not by me.) I had an exceedingly emotional reaction to this event because I had an instrumental role in the situation existing at all – you know, the way you feel when you introduce people and hope they get along – but instead of venting to the other party, I wrote an email summarizing both my emotional and my dispassionate assessment of events and sent it to Jeff instead. Jeff commiserated and so instead of making myself look like an ass to a third party, I got to have my emotional cake and get the supportive response I wanted. The event and its knock on effect was unpleasant but I managed my emotions so Jeff didn’t have to deal with more of it than was fair. Once again; I’m not responsible for what other adults do, and if they choose not to see how sweet a deal they have THAT’S NOT ON ME. The only person who counts in this situation is the family member affected and we’re copacetic.

Jeff looked like he could use cinnamon buns at this point, so I made some.

Event number three has been taking shape for the best part of a year. I am considered a member of Junction as far as babysitting is concerned, but I have yet to be given a key. (Please note that all the adults from Junction have keys to Geekhaus.)

I picked Alex up yesterday from school – the key was locked inside the house.

Comment one. I checked on the placement of the key BEFORE I picked Alex up because I was concerned it had moved (you have to understand, I had just had 12 hours of communication snags and hard core emotional management because my day starts before four in the morning and I literally assumed that something would now go wrong) and didn’t want to blow a gasket if it had. This gave me 20 minutes to stop kicking things and swearing.

Comment two. I was able to manage Alex’s expectations as he walked home from school. Transitions and changes to plans affect young ADD/neurodiverse kids way harder than ‘normal’ so if you get a chance to say, “You can check for the key but if it’s not there, you’ll be coming home with me, and I don’t have a car seat in my car.” This meant that while he was disappointed that his tablet was on the wrong side of the door, he knew he was going someplace with alternate forms of entertainment and that the new plan was clear and his emotions about being locked out were valid but not overwhelming.

Comment three. I was able to communicate my unhappiness about not having a key without blame, shame, raising my voice or making my unhappiness a chore rather than motivation to fix a very fixable problem.

Alex had three cinnamon buns and Jeff like a champ bounced off the xBox and went back upstairs so Alex could play Peggle. Katie was here to fetch him on the dot of 4:30 and we chatted for a minute. SHE’S GOING TO GET KITTIES THIS WEEKEND I AM SO EXCITED. Also, Buster actually came out and looked at Alex, but ran away and Alex said AW.

I called my mOm and we commiserated about the various stupid and fiercely annoying shit that happens to us. It was a lovely phone call and she got to listen to me and Alex scream whenever he got a particularly nice shot.

And I did all of that without any cannabis, because I knew I was driving yesterday.

So all that happened and this morning I feel like I’m wrung out despite a fine night of sleep. Cognitively I’m fogged over. Moodwise I’m okay. I had a super emotional day and I regulated. I’ll be a little cooked today in consequence because I don’t bounce back for shit.

wordle in four, Lumosity was a disaster (eye roll, no surprise), 22803 words, managed to practice yesterday, possibly a house filk today at Peggy’s and we absolutely MUST do a shop, we’re out of milk and eggs. The laundry abides.

Published by


Born when atmospheric carbon was 316 PPM. Settled on MST country since 1997. Parent, grandparent.

Leave a Reply