Category: Humour

My favourite story about myself

My favourite story about myself brings together many of the threads of my life in one place.

I was working at the Canadian Mental Health Association Ontario Division office in downtown Toronto.  I had a job I liked, a boss I adored, and coworkers who taught me a lot and accepted me as I was.  I was expecting my first child and they threw me a surprise baby shower.

Like most expectant moms I was reading baby books as fast as I could and had absorbed an incredible amount of information.  I was planning on breastfeeding and the night before the shower had read how doctors had once told mothers to run bristle brushes over their nipples to toughen them up for nursing.  I considered this to be entirely barbaric and even complained to my then spouse about it, and he agreed with me.

I was so flabbergasted and so touched when they brought me into the boardroom for presents and cake that for a brief moment I was speechless.  Then I started reviewing the gifts which were thoughtful and kind, until I got to a present that was a brush, labeled ‘Nipple Brush’.

I got quite irate.  “If you think I’m using this on myself you’re out of your mind!” I said firmly.

Then.

I realized.  This was for a baby bottle, not me.  What I had been reading the night before was so close to my mind that I had just assumed….

As realization flooded over me I blushed to my hairline and muttered “Never mind,” while my coworkers sat around me and laughed until they cried.  Pretty soon I was laughing too.

Not all of the misunderstandings in my life have been so funny.

aw hell, I don’t work there anymore anyway

So once upon a time I had a customer.  A nice one.  Polite, friendly, helpful.
He needed a replacement unit for a customer, we couldn’t ship.
So the customer’s customers, a married couple,  got their litigation on; lawyer’s letter, ugly words exchanged on the phone, BBB threats, I will ruin your reputation, full court press.
Unit FINALLY ships & gets installed.  Customer goes to homeowner getting paperwork signed off and she purrs at him (this the woman who hired a lawyer to sue him) “Wanna go for dinner, my husband’s out of town!”
As I said to the customer, from lawsuit to linguine in one fell swoop.  His comment “I’ve taken one for the team plenty, but I’ve never done THAT.”
We were both howling, it was so funny.  And even funnier because this is an awesome guy, nobody ever LESS deserved to be sued.

New Song – Compost

It was wonderful to hear back from the minister. This is in D open tuning.  I’ll be singing it for her Sunday.

From these thorns, we will grow grapes
From this dry and brittle grass, we’ll harvest grain
From this rot,  we will make sweetness
once more as the seasons turn again

What did you put in your compost today
With perspective, a little help and time
All may be redeemed, all may be transformed
And in the garden peas and beans will climb

From this sorrow, we may grow compassion
from this anger, seeds of justice grow
from this envy, resolve to do better
Once more, though it seems it can’t be so

What did you put in your compost today
With perspective, a little help and time
All may be redeemed, all may be transformed
A better world awaits if we but climb
A better world awaits if we but climb

And for those of you who hate it when I’m serious, this via Stephen Fry from twitter:  It’s #JamesBondDay so we might as well get the oldie of the day of out the way: “What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish !

I will never have as much fun as these two dogs

Rowf rowf rowf POP.

And in keeping with the canine theme this morning, check out these puppies interacting with an iPad.

SSSSSophisticated SSSSSSSSnake is sssssssssssuave.

Links good as of August 2020

Yesterday I ground through some work for church, ran the dishwasher and made cinnamon buns and put a roast in the fridge to thaw. Minister got back to me and wants to hear the song on Sunday.  Made an appointment with the bookkeeper.  I’ll be making an appointment with the dentist and the eye doc today, I can no longer stand how horrid my teeth and glasses are.

I am completely disgusted with the Mentalist.  Castle got its mojo back as soon as it ditched the arc.   I’m pretty burned out on NCIS although Mark Harmon is never hard to look at.  Treme is as amazing as it ever was.

Forskolin

So I’m poking around my favourite joints on the internet, and run across a Eurekalert reference to erectile dysfunction research.  Everybody knows that nitric oxide is what triggers the onset of an erection, but nobody had nailed down – sorry for the choice of words – what sustains an erection, which is the other half of working on ED.  Turns out that you need a continuous cascade of nitric oxide to keep the jolly happening, some of which happens in the penis itself.  At the very end of the article, there’s an offhand comment about how forskolin assists to keep this nitric oxide cascade flowing.

I’m thinking, Darwin’s Beard, a compound that assists with ED that’s called Forskolin?  I mean, it’s like hiding a foreskin in plain sight.  So I look up forskolin on wikipedia, and it sounds like homeopathy, it’s been offered up as a treatment for so many conditions.  But no, science.  And the molecule looks like Oh Ho Ho with a boner at both ends.  But that’s just me, I can derive amusement from almost anything.

 

 

And while I’m dreaming, fetch me some lobster

I have a dream. I want to create “The On Call Brass Band” which can be flashmobbed to show up and play one of several tunes.  eg When the Saints, O Canada, The Pompous Ass March, Liberty Bell, Un Canadien Errant, Deutschland Uber Alles, I Will Survive, and Electric Avenue.  That way no matter what event they show up at, they’ll have something appropriate to play.  What, no Freebird?  (Full Disclosure, the PAM is my composition, very sprightly and cheery and nobody hearing it would realize it’s a poke in the eye).

woe is -aaack- me

So I completely blew the interview yesterday – fell apart during the test.  I solaced myself with beer and lobster afterwards, so thoroughly downcast was I, and my Lumosity score fell like a rock this morning subsequent to me having two beers, so, note to self – alcohol does make you demonstrably dumber, please avoid (yesterday’s score was one of my highest ever, so it seems germane to mention the difference).  No I did no driving yesterday, for the safety minded among you.

The stye has come to its fruition and no longer hurts; it’s just making me look like Margot with the ludicrous amount of eye gunk it is producing (which is actually impacting my ability to see out of my left eye.  Very glad it’s in my left eye, my right eye doesn’t produce enough tears so I’d be in a very sad way.)

Margot fell off some boxes in my closet and trapped herself in my clothes.  I have never heard her make that much noise in that short a space – she really is getting more noisy, which means she’s just barely audible.

Amazing science / health news.

He only posted it yesterday and I’ve already set it to music.  OH GOSH HOW I LOVE THIS POEM. Mind you I wrote the choon two days ago.

I love the show ER so much I want it to be in space. Yes, Trauma 3000, in which our fearless surgeons and internists rotate between a mother hospital on the ground and a microgravity trauma unit in orbit, including tours of duty with trauma units at the front lines of an alien war.  And I want an alien social worker.  I want it to be ER x Babylon 5 x Battlestar Galactica. w00t!~

My fave Hollywood badass does his thang.