so grateful…. and a bit sad

Spent the evening of Peggy’s most recent b-day hanging around the Puddle (I swam eight lengths but boy is my back stiff this morning) and consuming mint tea and biscotti.  Highly recommended.  Paul and Tom were there too.

Last night I dreamed that Justin Bieber was dead and I was hired to squeal like a teenaged girl at one of his retrospectives, there being no actual teenaged girls to do the job.  I was giggling and squealing like a trooper when an unidentified woman about my age came up to me and shot me in the head with a Nerf gun.  And, such are the manifold blessings of my life, I woke the hell up.  No disrespect, but I think The Bieb has peaked.

My coffee is ready.  Jeff has consumed half a honeydew melon for breakfast, but I cannot bring myself to follow his example.

I get to see the Bean soon! My time off at the end of the month is rapidly filling up.

Kenneth Mars has passed away.

Momz shopping kart

I emerged from the psychologist’s office with a powerful urge to spend money,  (subtext “She’s on the mend!”) so I bought an extremely simple shirt pattern and some nice cotton fabric on sale (a musical print, a soft cigar coloured paisley for an awrence (only my mother will get this reference, but ç’est la vie) and a LOUD fish print, which is probably going to make small children poke me in the boob and say “I see Nemo!  Oh look anudder Nemo!”  I also bought a very very loud 18 inch purple cotton scrap, usually used for quilting but I’m going to repurpose the fabric as handkerchiefs, also notions, tired of having crappy thread.

Margot just got some catnip.  After her hunting escapades this morning she’s as excitable and fluttery as all get out; just now she was attacking thin air and then slowly coming to terms with there not actually being anything in the air she just attacked.  I think she’s all tuckered out now, I can hear her snore-breathing and her eyes are just barely open.  She must have been so happy Eddie brought her a live toy; after he had played with it for a while and gotten her into the swing of things, he left her alone with the mouse.

After the psychologist, I poked my head in at Katie’s; I took her out for dimsum, brought her back here for job applyin’, drove all the way out to her place again for Stuporstore; dropped her and her groceries off, and drove home.  Gas situation = must get gas tomorrow; right now putting groceries away is leaving me all tired.

It’s fun going shopping with Katie; how else would I find out that her glasses, which she had when she moved out, have vanished, and now must be replaced.

But for all that, I just don’t feel like I want to own a car anymore.  It was really fun for a while, but I’ve learned my lesson.  It’s not OWNING a car that I want.  It’s access when I want it.  I still have a co-op car ticket and I’ll run up to Highgate or over to Edmunds Stn when I want a car, or borrow Jeff’s if he’ll let me.

One of Paul’s neighbour’s really likes Probes, so I’ll run it by her first and see if there’s any interest; if not I’ll stick it on Craigslist once the office has moved, inshallah.

Mouse

I woke during the night to the unmistakable sound of Eddie meowing with something in his mouth. I didn’t feel much like dealing with it at the time, so I went back to sleep.

Later, Allegra mentioned that she had both heard Eddie and watched him. She said Eddie was clearly looking for Margot, either to let her in on the fun or to provide some lessons on cathood. It was a mouse. Apparently Eddie let it go in the basement and the two cats played with it and/or chased it around for a while.

Allegra briefed me in the morning and I started the search. If Gizmo was still with us, I might not find anything, except perhaps a very small patch of blood, or possibly a tail. What I found was Margot, in the basement, staring intently at a box against a wall. I pulled the box away and sure enough a mouse appeared. With Margot’s assistance, we cornered the critter and I grabbed him by the tail. It was a cute little thing, brown and white, apparently undamaged, and stared up at me from my hand, without struggling. I carried it outside to the bushiest area I could find and let it go.

Margot was still staring at the box when I left for work.

A selection of Valentines

I’m at an appointment this morning so I won’t be going to work to hand out Valentines, but I will share this with you. I thought of doing it yesterday afternoon but it was cooking and laundry after I got home and I couldn’t get excited about printing them out.

Guess I’m just lazy.  Snurk.

Homily went well.  Double snurk.  I took half the biscotti in and that worked out well… Peggy took the leftovers.

louts

Here’s the triggering article from the LA Times.

Any article of popcult-moaning regarding the lout, without at least pulling a few examples of acceptable contemporary femininity, like, say, that appalling creature Snooki from the Jersey Shore who is so Ms Everywhere on the Scanalyzer that even I, who would rather get a day’s worth of dental work than watch Jersey Shore, cannot avoid her, is missing a point.  One point among many.

As humans continue the ongoing experiment of self domesticating themselves,

an experiment that degrades the human experience from birth by pressuring women to participate in da inhumane folly of unnecessarily invasive first world childbearing practices, kicks it up a notch with virtually no support for breastfeeding, kicks it up a notch with our ludicrous notions that we can protect our children from all harm by caging them (while saying on dog rearing websites that puppies raised in a cage are not capable of being properly socialized if you cage them longer than 16 weeks, HELLO does anybody see two points with a connecting line here? apparently not) and driving them everywhere, kicks it up a notch by parking the kids in front of a television from the minute they’ll sit still for it until the minute they find better things to do, kicks it up a notch by giving them inane and useless and actively degrading and mean-to-active-children schooling, kicks it up a notch by publicly rewarding assholes, goofs, drama queens of every gender, phat beat whiners and dictators, kicks it up by actively mocking those enjoy solving problems instead of making them, kicks it up a notch by providing actively anti-social activities…. like Xbox computer games and porn for boys, and computer games on facebook and reality tv for girls…..

we’re getting the kids we’ve bred.  If they behave badly, it’s because they were trained to, and not punished for being rude and rewarded for being polite.  It’s that simple. We are the subjects and objects of an experiment, and the experiment is COMING WRONG.

If you have kids, raise them properly – teach them that life is a story; it has a beginning/middle/end.  Even if the story is sad or hard, it’s a better story if you have manners, and hang around with other people with manners, who love you and who are lovable.  If you can’t do that, DON’T FUCKING WELL HAVE CHILDREN.  And certainly don’t expect this violent, mercenary and child unfriendly culture to do the heavy lifting for you if you do.

There are thousands of sex-trafficking victims in Canada.  They are forced migrants, aboriginal children and runaways of every description.  Anybody who thinks Canada is a child friendly place has only to look at our ability to convict child-sex traffickers and the truth of the lout is revealed.

Why would a lout want the trouble of a real woman when for a bit of cash he can have a 16 year hot Asian chick being pimped out of a massage parlour across from Metrotown?

It’s always the unspoken assumptions that trouble me.

I briefly mentioned porn.  I know men who have destroyed their ability to relate appropriately to women (as in, have normative heterosexual intercourse…) because of porn.  They retreat into loutish behaviour because they know things are not going to come right in the bedroom.

I also meant to mention that over the last 50 years, an increasing amount of troubling chemicals have wound their way into our lives and hormone balances.  There are wholesale behavioral shifts in human activities, sexual expression and gender identification which I think are bigger than what would be caused by talking about things on the daytime agony columns like Oprah or Jerry Springer.  There’s something much more basic going on in my view, and I’ll be talking about that more in later posts.

The job of the editor

Mario sends me this.

Thanks bud.

The article from the Guardian is entitled “The Lost Art of Editing”.

My response to it is multi.

1.  For different writers, different levels of editing.  For the writers I know personally, they either have an editor whom they trust at their publishing house (the best selling writer of upscale bodice rippers, who lives in Victoria), a series of friends whose OCD and general fannishness will sniff out discrepancies (a writer based in SF who writes fluid drenched contemporary fantasy)  or nothing but himself, as he has been self published since he stood at the corner of Yonge and College with signs around his neck reading, for example, “Mutant Stories for Complete Idiots”.  Yes, I speak of Jo Beverley, Seanan McGuire and Crad Kilodney (fuck me, but I’d LOVE to see a writing panel with those three on it, it would kick ass although it might make Crad look bad as he always was a very politically incorrect dude and I know from personal experience that Seanan is powerfully smart and her ripostes emerge letter perfect at lightning speed.  Jo is a Good Person (one of the Dunnettfolk) who’s invested heavily in learning about various historical periods and has made herself very approachable to her fans.)

Different writers need different levels of editing.  Good writers have been ignored, and feted, and ignored and persecuted and then feted after they are dead since always, and bad writers have been celebrated and feted and then consigned to the great ashcan in the sky, since we started pressing wooden letters into clay tablets.  “Damnit!  Is Inanna spelled with two ‘n’s or three?”  Some need editing for content, some for style, some for grammar, some for plagiarism, some for plot, some should be edited out of existence, and some SHOULDN’T BE EDITED AT ALL.  Small children shouldn’t be edited at all unless it’s for school. There are some occasions which call for no editing, like rap battles and poetry slamming and “I will now depart from my previously prepared remarks” and ‘the dozens’ because the writing is still ‘in the air’ and hasn’t been committed to paper. You can say that’s not writing and really another art form, but to me the only difference is that it hasn’t been written down; it’s still communication, still words.

Which audience are you writing for and why?  My blog posts are full of typos. When I catch them and they are funny, I let them stand.  When they are really bad, my readers force me to correct them.  I suppose I could publish everything I’ve printed on my blog so far (there are publishers that make it easy to do that and it would be fun and tragic and revealing to interpolate later interpretations of events) and make those necessary corrections.  But as I say in my ABOUT page, the blog is for me and my mother.  Other people have used it.  My father is appalled by my lack of modesty.  Nah, appalled isn’t the right word.  I think perplexed and troubled is kinder and more accurate.   My mother is entertained, when she isn’t troubled (by her graciously acknowledged inability to understand just what the hell it is I’m on about) and perplexed (by cultural references that she couldn’t catch even if she had the Urban Dictionary, TVtropes.com and Wikipedia wired into a head’s up display on her glasses).

2.  For different audiences, different purposes in editing.  You don’t over edit some kinds of writing because the immediacy and urgency of it are lost in the process.  You edit the living shit out of user guides until somebody with a grade 8 education in the language you are writing in can understand what you’re doing.  Note to editors.  Number the fucking pages of your manuals, you jackassii.  Jeff and I had an interesting conversation on that line earlier this week.

3.  For different market categories, different levels of editing.  I think it’s more useful to divide all fiction writing into four categories.  Schlock, schlock with pretensions, literature and juvenilia.  (Non fiction categories: Manuals, Advertising, Propaganda, History, Science, Science with Pretensions, Transcripts of court documents, Diaries/Op-eds/commentary/blogs/tweets/reviews, How-tos, Lists and Self-help books).  Porn falls between fiction and non fiction, in my view.  (In the words of the Immortal Gord Downey:

 "How do I explain this, how do I put it into words,
It's one thing or another but it's neither this nor that")

Nearly everything I’ve ever written has been juvenilia and schlock with pretensions – even the homilies, especially the blog.  I spare only the songs and the poetry because of their emotional concision and broad applicability.  Helluva thing to say, but that’s how I feel.  How do I know? because I READ and I CARE.  Were I to actually work on another novel… which would be schlock with pretensions, since I simply don’t have a Work of Literature in me … and my mother was up for the job, I’d let her edit it because the woman is in her own quiet way a geeeeenius.

Literature is writing that irrespective of the era, gender or class of the person writing and the person reading speaks to and clearly describes some aspect of the human condition in a recognizable, non-reproducible and human voice.

That I have an extremely vivid and sophomoric writing style is no secret – but I am very much addressing my own era, class and gender when I write and I’m not thinking that’s a problem, just how it is.

Literature’s the only class of fiction writing where editing matters.  Everything else is temporary; to hold my writing to the standard of Marcus Aurelius, or the writing of Marcus Aurelius to the standard of 50 Cent’s tweets, is a classic category concept error.  Good writers will find good editors, always.  The downfall of language and writing is grossly overrated.  Writing will get better, always, because the best will always be getting better; fewer subjects will be off limits, and science will continue to inflect and bend writing into forms more beautiful, more recondite and more authentic.  Worry not folks.

Thus endeth my comments.

Most mornings I awaken

to the sound of Jeff tapping on his keyboard.  Sometimes it’s a cat and that staccato defooding sound in some very long-to-be-discovered corner.  Sometimes it’s the smell of a skunk penetrating through the window; sometimes it’s my natural clock, which spits me back out into consciousness anywhere between 2 and 7 am.  Sometimes it’s a leg cramp, and that’s what I got this morning.  I woke to pain pain pain and had a hell of a time getting my foot flat to the ground to get the muscle stretched out and the muscle – the same one I blew out running for the bus the year after I hurt my back – is still grumbling and hot.  Ah, but pain is what tells you that you’re alive.

Daughter Katie came over last night.  I picked her up after work (Dax tried to scare me by materializing next to my car window, but Katie had the kindness to warn me, so I let him know that he WOULD have given me a heart attack if I hadn’t been warned.  He also told me the size of his paycheck, which was respectable for his age and educational level) and then fed her and Jeff home baked schnitzel and veg, and we talked and watched CSI and the Mentalist, which amusingly enough had identical plots, and then we walked up to 7-11 where I got her bus tickets and milk and eggs for myself, waited with her for her bus and then walked home.  Canada Way is so noisy for pedestrians it’s practically deafening; two streets in Jeff and I enjoy a very peaceful little enclave, no barking dogs or noisy neighbours, and yet we’re smack in the center of Edmonds, 10th, Kingsway and Canada Way, all busy arterial streets.  We do get train noise at night as it echoes in the Fraser Valley and comes up the hill; we get the eerie booming noises at night that are actually special effects explosions down in that movie set off of Marine down in the flats; and we get airplane noise a fair bit, although rarely at very low levels, and hardly ever helicopter noise, which scares the crap out of me.

Soon there will be a visit by the rest of Paul’s family to abide for a while in the bosom of the alternative justice system of BC.  I have decided that with all my quirks and drama I’m best off staying away.  My mother is hosting them and that will be the right end of the family to shelter and help them while this goes on; who can say what will happen but I earnestly hope for some closure and a feeling that it’s what John would have wanted rather than a trial and jail for the woman whose inattentive driving killed him.

I am very seriously thinking of either giving Ziva to a family member or selling her.  I have taken so much pleasure in owning her that it may seem a little odd, but if I’m going to be that close to the new location of the office and I can still borrow Jeff’s car occasionally to shop, I should be in good shape to have enjoyed her and then released her back into the wild.  Neither of the kids have evinced much interest because they don’t really have the cash flow.

Ocelots at the Seattle zoo.

I am waiting for Jeff to awaken so I can cook him breakfast.  Finn pancakes and coffee; I’m going to have mine with applewood smoked cheddar.

I have shippiles of work to do today; I have Valentines to create.  I am planning on sneaking into work on Sunday after church and putting them in people’s mail trays.  Every year it’s the same thing.  People are travelling, or they never check their mail trays, and the next thing you know you’re getting thanked for the Valentine on March 1st.

I brought home the flowers Jeff and the folks gave me and they are still gorgeous and sweetly scented.  I know cut flowers are frowned on by some people in my connection, but I will never frown.  Their colour and scent brightened my work area and made many other people happy but me for the balance of the week, and now they’ll be pretty in my kitchen until they’re done.

I send a hug into the ether for Lady Miss B and warm wishes to her hub and miniB, and a big old mushy group hug for Tom and Peggy, my folks and brother (nearly typed bother, and that was NOT my intent), Scott for digging up the name of the psychologist for me, my coworkers Mike Y and Hassan and Kev and Patricia, and I blow kisses at Veronica.  Sneetchy scowling at some other folks for workpain, but I won’t name them. More hugs for Rev. Katie who visited me in sickness and hell that’s what ministers are s’posed to do, and Sue, Carol, Kathleen and Gary for a really good board meeting.  I wish the contractors working on the new building the time, money and safety to do a good job.

I wish a lot of things.  It’s strange to think that this time last week I wished for nothing but cessation of wishing.

Life is good.  I’m going to go work on Dandelions Dreaming now, it’s the best thing I can think of for Peggy’s birthday.  Later today I’m going to talk to Jeff about capturing video from games so I can do something really kickass for Left4Dead/Rising in a Zombieland Redemption, which is the new and deliberately awkward title for my zombie choon, and it may get even longer, at which point I’ll shorten it again.  Such is the creative process; you put your best shit in, you take you best shit out, you put your best shit in, and you shake it all about.

W00t

Off to the Big 6 for brekky.  I’m leaving straight for work after that.

Didn’t mention I had my planning for this year meeting with my boss yesterday.  I told him about my challenges and he is supportive.  We slogged through some stuff that was quite hard, brainstormed a bit and then he made it clear to me why I respect him so much.  He knows what’s important, full stop.

I have long since finished the homily for Sunday but now I’m working on the framing words to take people into and out of the homily without freaking them out too badly.  I think I will manage nicely; we’ll see on the day.

A possible explanation

As you can imagine, I’ve spent most of my spare processing cycles trying to figure out WHAT the hell happened when I did my spiral dive into that bleak bleak river.

I went back through the previous week, trying to remember if there was anything.  And then I remembered.  Thursday morning I got one of my classic migraine signs.  This is going to sound disgusting, but it is absolutely true.  My nasal mucus changes consistency.  It turns into something that resembles frog spawn.  It is my single most consistent migraine sign.  Unfortunately for its predictive uses, I don’t always get what I have in the past considered to be a migraine once I get ‘the little spheres’, so I don’t worry about it until something else happens.

Click.

The something else might have been a tight necklace.  So so trivial.

I looked back; food had little to no taste for about three weeks prior to the event.  Food losing its flavour is a migraine sign in some people. I had never experienced it, but the neurologist told me I had atypical migraines.  And how.

Abruptly I had no moral or emotional sense of gray, everything was black and white.  It was literally as if the parts of my brain where I process music and humour and uncertainty were starved of oxygen.  I had no perspective; there were certain thoughts I couldn’t process.  Now I look back and it all seems wildly crazy.  All me, but not normal.  I have bad thoughts and I lie down in my mind until they go by, normally; this time I COULDN’T.

The physical sensation I got of relief as I drove out to Wreck Beach.  “The lift” I call it when the migraine stops oppressing me. It was only this evening that I related the migraine lifting to that sensation I got while I was driving.

Of course I had no sense of having a migraine.  I got no flashes, no creeping scalp, no tingling and numbness, no light sensitivity, no ptosis, no head pain, no nausea, no aphasia, no aura, no blind spots, none of the normal range of migraine symptoms that I get and which I am quite comfortable with and find perfectly manageable.

I got wild and really very disturbing alterations in the experience of the relative size of various body parts (my sensory homunculus was scunnered) especially when I was sitting; my dreams were more vivid than usual and I felt like my eyes were the wrong size but that probably had quite a bit to do with me crying non stop for two days, which was also very far out of left field if it was a migraine sign.

The suddenness with which it came on and the suddenness with which it departed, leaving me in that stoically sad afterphase of a migraine which usually lasts a couple of days and lifts is what is really making me think I’m on the right track.

I’m still seeing the psychologist though.  I got the cash, and I sure have the motivation.  What a horrible experience, and how horrible for everyone else.  I have only one thought.  How do I prevent this from happening again?  I thought I might stop having migraines after menopause, but if this is a sample of my future migraines, my relatives and friends are going to need to keep me locked in a dark room until I quit raving.

Brief new tune

Oh my love for you
is like dried up glue
once it kept us close and sticky
now it’s lumpy and it’s icky
and it don’t do what it’s sposeta do.

Darlin’ understand
my love’s a perished rubber band
Once it held our shit together
now it’s crumbled with the weather
And divorce will cost me twenty grand.