continued midsection weirdness

I’m fine this morning but once again had abdominal discomfort last night. Not exactly pain, just weirdness, in more or less the same place as before.

Didn’t stop me from making salad, chicken thighs and baked yams for tea.

Now waiting for the Expanse season/series finale on January 14. Please, no asteroids strike the planet between now and then (although we had another near miss last night, did you hear about that? 1/4 the distance to the moon, that little rock whipped by…)

I am going to quite openly state that although I am not at risk of self-harm and I’m not in any danger, my mental health is as bad as it’s been since the pandemic started. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What’s the point? my poor raddled body brain thinks. So if you get a phone call from me it’s because I’ve bobbed up through this state of mind long enough to contact someone and be civil… the rest of the time I don’t even want to imagine how a phone call might go. And despite all this Jeff and I are prioritizing being civil to each other. The idea of going through this pandemic without peace at home makes me feel like lightning.

I’m so worried for Alex. Ryker is breastfed and his mother’s vaccinated so he’ll likely be okay, but Alex has asthma and I’m so scared for him. Who knows when in class instruction will start again. (oh, apparently it has already o.O)

I was working on a poem about the Moloch energy and now I can’t because the child sacrificer is standing right in front of us all. It’s terrifying.

a remarkable piece of clueless self-indulgence

So, there’s a very energetically written and on-the-surface well-thought-out think piece at Palladium. I read stuff like this from time to time to energize me, give me new ideas and to refine my thinking on such matters as productivity and the zeitgeist. Also, although I didn’t want to quit, I’ve had to quit my last jobs because they were either actively trying to kill me or had made it clear that they wanted a worker who would work more and comment less and I was just plain not working my way around to the boss’s way of thinking, not for a pay cheque that just barely made it over minimum wage. So I wanted to see what this guy thought was what.

After I read the piece, I looked up where his remaining relatives are in Vancouver, and they’re in ritzy parts of town. I just wanted to see if this guy’s attitude was groomed by intergenerational wealth. I can’t prove anything from addresses of course, so I guess I am forced to assume that he’s like me; he had a lot of advantages from his birth family and that they are comfortably placed in terms of acquired wealth. Difference between me and Wolf is that I mention mine, ie, that I would quite literally starve in the street if my parents weren’t supporting me at the moment. (Until the moment that I ended up living at Caspell Junction, I mean, because part of my intergenerational wealth is my healthy grown family and I can’t see Katie letting me live and or starve in the street.)

First paragraph BOLD MOVE quitting your job and looking for a life companion. In that economy? Anyway, one must admire an optimist. And he’s an engineer! practical, dynamic, responsible for maintaining civilization (The Great Leslie smiles and emits a photon! ting!)

Second paragraph, okay, now I actively am on guard against you, whoever you are, cheerfully and casually admitting that you negged your future wife the first time you met her. Perhaps she didn’t get your measure, but I think men who do that are crap in a can, and I am now reading your piece with my back up and a sour expression on my generally sour puss. Oh, Providence is on yer side is it pet, get back to me when she’s divorced you. As I can guarantee she will, if she isn’t planning on it already.

Third paragraph: okay, you’re the world’s most efficient and possibly classiest mooch and user, got it. Got your friends to pay for/ arrange your wedding, nicely done! Married a woman even more frugal than you are, score! It’s hard finding someone who agrees with you on the big issues. Well done.

Fourth paragraph: what in the entire fuck, dude. I shall ditto it in its entirety, because unpacking the assumptions therein is chewing through my cycles at a ghastly rate so I need it in front of me.

When I wasn’t lifting and courting, I was building a network of intellectuals interested in problems of governance from beyond the established liberal democratic paradigm. I didn’t know why it was interesting. In fact, I thought it was a vice. “This is bad for your career,” said the little wage-slave voice in my head, “you should be focusing on more lucrative projects.”

Okay. After preening about his sociobiological fitness, he says that he’s building a network of intellectuals interested in problems of governance from beyond the established liberal democratic paradigm.

Cool. That means OF COURSE that you’re consulting with Indigenous activists, academics, and knowledge keepers and

Nope.

I’m a fat old white lady living in Burnaby, and you just cannot reasonably expect anyone who cares about ‘problems in governance’ –– without dealing with land theft and the practices of the Indigenous people of this place –– and this gentleman can’t be bothered to think or write about either.

The implication is that he’s only considering the thoughts of other white men when it comes to ‘problems in governance’. I mean WHAT DO YOU THINK a white man MEANS when he says NETWORK OF INTELLECTUALS? After ten years on twitter and twenty on social media I sure’s fuck know what it means to me, but I’m, you know, dark-hearted.

Lacks prove nothing, but don’t you think this absence is a teeny tiny suspicious? I’m on guard against his continued utterances with absolutely no further magnanimity, because he’s shown enough of his true self to appear about as convincingly genuine and smart as Boris Johnson.

“I didn’t know why it was interesting.”

This looks like “My most trivial thoughts are important.”

Yeah, dude, I often have that sensation as well. Keeping a blog since 2004 has fixed me for that. My most trivial thoughts are trivial. They may become important later, if they are integrated into something more important like a song or artwork or writing, but most of what’s in my head is junk. It’s true, something can start small and get important, but this sentence that he’s written also makes me think things like, “If you don’t understand what your moral purpose is, it’s hard to connect one random thing to another in a structurally sound, clear and useful way.”

“In fact, I thought it was a vice.”

OOf. Thinking in anti-capitalist ways is a vice, got it. Or you used to think that. Okay.

“This is bad for your career,” said the little wage-slave voice in my head, “you should be focusing on more lucrative projects.”

Paul used to say things like this to me whenever I was writing. Or he’d tell me to concentrate on poetry, since it was classy or something. Until Paul apologized for the ways in which he’d blocked my songwriting – 25 years in, and obviously too late – this was the real live voice I had next to me in bed at night, so I get where Wolf (the author) is coming from here. Some sympathy. But not much.

Fifth paragraph:

It was through those networks.

Okay Wolf, just confirming that it was a coterie of white guys that helped you, since you’re not mentioning how your intellectual cheer squad is made up in any way of marginalized people. Maybe it’s jam-packed with them, but in 20fucking22 you aren’t mentioning it, so, once again, it’s the lack, lack, baby.

Then more patting himself on the back… I’m not sure he can help himself …

Me ‘n’ my friends put a show on in the barn?

Anyway, if you want a transcript of what this guy sounds like? Not saying you do, but here it is. “Growing up in BC made me an environmentalist.” LOL NO DUDE IT MADE YOU A HIKER, British Columbians have the worst record in Canada for throwing grease down their drains and environmentally degrading megaprojects. “Growing up in Canada meant I didn’t have the American political paradigm” RISIBLE Then he says he was raised Unitarian. LOL I wrote a homily called the tyranny of nice specifically for self-deluding Unitarians, so now I have an even better insight into the kind of self-calming behaviour this guy is demonstrating.

And do you not find it interesting that he considers California to be the centre of the universe and FLEES TO BC for COVID? Okay, enough of picking on this poor mecheng.

Back to the main stage:

I’ma skip ahead to the parts that made my blood run cold:

His spirited defence of Elon Musk, raised rich by racist emerald mine owners. DUDE THIS IS NOT A STEP AWAY FROM NEOLIBERALISM, this IS NEOLIBERALISM.

Fuck ya.

and then this paragraph, which drove the breath from my body with its ableism and eugenics fluffing language

Yes, even the bane of Darwin’s faith—the humble ichneumon wasp that lays its maggots inside the living bodies of caterpillars to eat them from the inside and burst out on maturity like some alien xenomorph—is a beautiful creature with a sacred task. Like many parasites, its role in the great chain of being is to test the health and defenses of its caterpillar host population. Its predation weeds out the sickly, preventing the much uglier injustice of collective weakness and disease, and spurring the evolution of stronger and even more beautiful life. Even fearsome Nemesis, born from chaos via night and darkness, is ultimately the hand of God and the minister of justice. Even the supposed exceptions to justice prove its rule.

So COVID disproportionately killing disabled people is ‘spurring the evolution of stronger and even more beautiful life’. By his logic. Absolutely disgusting, and he DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE HE’S DOING IT.

Because if you asked him how he feels about disabled people, he wouldn’t say anything of the sort, certainly not while the mic was live, but he’s okay with using metaphors that would pinch out disabled lives without a backward glance AND HE HAS NO ONE IN HIS LIFE OR EDITORIAL CIRCLE WHO WILL CATCH HIM ON IT.

I tire of these efforts, so I’ll end with this. This man, well-intentioned, well-educated, and whiter than boiled chicken thighs on rice, has NO FUCKING BUSINESS setting himself up as an expert on governance.

Any more than I do…. which is why I don’t. I have opinions, but I’m not an expert.

Please, if you’re going to be supporting ‘alternatives in thinking about governance’ give your money to the people of colour who’ve DONE THE WORK.

 

 

Family

Saw the Fam today when Jeff and I took Alex’s computer over to Caspell Junction; he was thrilled and we actually had a family chinwag and it was so lovely.

Spoke to Peggy on the phone; I wish I could recount even a third of what we talked about, given how hard we were laughing but no, it’s all either not my story or unsuitable for repetition. It was good to hear her laugh.

Spoke to mOm on the phone and conveyed to her that we had a little window of family happiness today and it was lovely.

I am starting to have the strange feeling that this is a bone problem, not an innards problem. You will recollect that I fell in the spring and hurt my ribs.  This is starting to feel similar. Anyway, I still have pain, but it may be just ordinary back pain with shovelling pain on top. And I can sleep so it’s not that bad.

BC is about to experience an atmospheric river AGAIN 72 hours of solid rain, on top of snow goddamn.

cancelling the NY Times

They ask you why you want to cancel and give you 100 characters LOL

 

So I said,

I get so angry when I read it it’s bad for my health.
You are now connected to Jonathan.

Jonathan
7:13 AM
Hi there! Thank you for contacting the New York Times. My name is Jonathan. Hope you’re doing great! I am sorry to hear that you would like to cancel. Please, allow me 1-2 minutes while I pull up your account.
You
7:14 AM
thanks
Jonathan
7:14 AM
Of course! Thank you for your time, Allegra! I was able to locate your account and I would like to thank you for your support as a Basic Digital subscriber! I understand the news can get a bit intense or overwhelming, and we sometimes need to take breaks, however, it is also important to stay aware of everything that is going on.

If I may, we have different sections as well that you might find interesting and joyful; for example, when I feel that I need to take a break from the news, I look for the Tech and Books sections and listen to the Daily, in which I can get all the news in 20 minutes. That way I can stay tuned without being too involved. Would you consider giving these options a try?
You
7:15 AM
Thank you for the offer but no.
Jonathan
7:16 AM
No problem! Before we cancel, please remember all the benefits that the subscription has to offer; you do have access to our entire catalog from 1851 to date, podcast, and newsletters, all that and more for just C$0.50 per week until 09/23/2022 on both nytimes.com and in the New York Times app.

Keep in mind that the regular rate for this usually is C$20.00 every four weeks, so you might as well take advantage of this. Are you sure you would like to give up these features?
You
7:16 AM
No thanks, I’ve decided to support a local on line newspaper.
Jonathan
7:16 AM
Understood, I respect your concern. I will now proceed with the cancellation. Allow me 1-2 minutes, please.

Jonathan
7:17 AM
Thank you very much for your time and support. We have enjoyed having you as a member of our family. I have cancelled your subscription, you will continue to enjoy all your subscription benefits for the rest of your billing cycle, which ends on Friday, January 14th, 2022. Unfortunately we cannot issue any credits or refunds for the remainder of this billing cycle. You are all set on our end, Allegra! Is there anything else I may assist you with today?
You
7:18 AM
Thank you for your time, have a safe day.

abdo pain

So… the pain went until about 8:30, 9 pm last night. I very slowly found a position that would allow me to breathe without it hurting. Pain was diffuse and on the right side of my abdomen, with referred pain up to my right shoulderblade.

Was it a kidney stone? Gas? My digestive tract twisting? Grumbly appendix? Surgical adhesions being crabby? Liver pain (and if so, what from??) Indigestion? Some new weird form of heartburn? (Tums didn’t really help, but didn’t hurt either)… it lasted the best part of 8 hours and was really horrible.

Slept until 1:30 and now can’t go back to sleep. Sigh.

I will do my best not to complain…

Normally I spend some time talking to Suzanne while she’s here and I was literally too fucked up to say more than a few words to her. She visited Ryker yesterday while dropping Alex off after a sleepover and she says he’s grown a BUNCH… which as pOp has observed many times, they tend to do at this age.

We’ve started Expanse S6

Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters Afterlife was a perfectly charming addition to the canon; the child actors were without exception great, and the casting of Carrie Coon and Paul Rudd as the adults was a nice touch because they are always worth watching.

Great special effects and a genuinely funny script rounded the entertainment out.

The wind never got too bad yesterday, thank goodness.

Tammy should be on her way to Hawaii today.

Katie and her kids’ COVID tests came back negative. I should have more RATs delivered next week.

The sun came out yesterday and nearly blinded us, it was so unexpected.

I’m really feeling my lack of exercise; Paul and I haven’t walked together in weeks.

BP not great but not critical.

 

 

Trolls come out to play

Boy Howdy if you want to get shat on in subreddits ? supporting trans people is def the way to do it.

Still very sore in my muscles but the walkways look great LOL. Weather today involves rude amounts of wind, so charge your devices.

Tiny bits of writing.

Made a really nice bean stew / sorta chili last night. Forgot to seal the instant pot but it cooked up okay anyway. (after enlivening Jeff’s evening. IT HISSETH MOST SCARILY)

One can Heinz veggie beans, two cans diced tomatoes, one can black beans, one cup frozen corn, one can garbanzos, one can red kidney beans. Half teaspoon of cayenne, teaspoon of cumin, many many many shakes of garlic powder, a shake of black pepper, and no added salt.

The astronomers are watching a star blow up in real time, and it sounds really cool, although the event itself is rather warm.

 

shovelling was horrible

My back hurts from shovelling so much in the last week that I collapsed around ten and slept for about four hours. I’m scared to take my blood pressure, but I will. Please be advised that Jeff shoved more snow around than I did.

No Suzanne today. Either next Thursday or this weekend, depending on when and whether the weather tries to fucking kill us next. Streets as icy af.

We FINALLY FOUND WALKWAY SALT my God that took a while.

Alex Fraser Bridge closed by cops, both ways, around noon today. Skytrain morning commute on the Expo line by all accounts a disaster.

However there has been no power interruption, and I give the workers of BC Hydro a wave of appreciation for their labour.

And I got a wholesome award today on reddit, and talked to a neighbour to make sure he had salt as well.

 

Lovely to see Tammy last night

We got two kinds of Japanese takeout (far too salty, but oh so tasty) and ate at her accommodations, which included a view of the Science Centre. She was half a block from a taxi stand, and I got home just as the temperature was dropping and it was about to snow. I haven’t had the courage to look outside yet, but I need to pee so…

Yup, there’s another 3 cm out there, just as the prophecy foretold.

Moar effin precip

Moar shovelling today I imagine. It’s supposed to stop today and start again tomorrow, might be as much as 15 cm but my heart misgives me and I think it will be more. AND STILL THERE IS NO SALT IN THE STORES.

Much horror, humour, excitement and a happy ending –  with the fam over in Victoria – yesterday. To preserve the privacy and dignity of those involved I shall say nothing here except that we are all well, and perhaps some of us collected some bruises. I shall also note that in the midst of my hysterics (yup, cried like a baby on the phone with my mOm), when I was first informed of the precipitating event, that I kept my cheese assembled long enough to provide useful and actionable advice to someone under stress, so go me. Everything came out as okay as it can but I sure learned that I’m a hair from weeping and flailing about pretty much anytime.

Jeff and I, partly because of the effin precip, partly because of the news, and partly because (WAVES HAND OVER THE IDEA THAT A MILLION AMERICANS AND QUITE A FEW CANADIANS GOT DIAGNOSED WITH COVID YESTERDAY) did not have a fantabulous day yesterday. I ran the dishwasher and shovelled and fed the birdies but other than that I can assure you I did not do a thing. Okay, I did write 1391 words on the ‘meet cute in the airport during a snowstorm’ story.

Tammy comes to town today to visit friends and fam on her way to Hawaii. Fingers crossed for her travel luck; there’s a break in the weather on both ends but if COVID knocks too many people off work, that plane won’t leave… Like I said fingers crossed. She’s double boostered. If anyone is safe to travel in a pressurized aluminum skin full of plague she is. She just messaged me to say her flight’s still showing on time. With luck she’ll call me a little after noon.

I observe that when white people stick their noses in the ‘pan-Indigenous’ concept it’s usually about control over, grift from and erasure of distinct nations and persons. Only nations can determine belonging and categories of belonging. It isn’t a single, simple concept or law.

I have opened YET ANOTHER PROJECT FILE this one non-fiction. It’s called Common Human Cognitive Issues and What to Do About Them. I realize I have zero experience with that! (actually that’s not true, but it wasn’t peer reviewed, which is a grift anyway) which is why it’s going to be a jolly parody of self-help books.