Category: Sex & Reproduction

Lusty Neighbors and Pimp Primer

Tea and cookies and porn this evening…
Lusty Neighbors and Pimp Primer –  those were the titles of the flicks we watched at the November meeting of the Royal Vancouver Pornographic Society.  They were grindhouse.  Words cannot describe how execrable they were; they were about as erotic as a panhandler, as aesthetic as an airport washroom, and as well performed as a public school pageant.  The dialogue raised hoots of derisive laughter at every turn.
Porn sure has changed.  Nowadays everybody gets everything depilated and bleached; then, performers did their thang with visible bruises and scuff marks, pimples and back hair.  And dirty feet, yeeech.

Anyway I was welcomed with cries of glee (I made biscotti) and was made to feel right at home.  Things broke up around 10:30; I had the car until one so I gassed up, grabbed some groceries, unloaded them, and then took the car back to its stall (I had the Hyundai – the Prius was engaged) and walked home, where to my disGUST two younguns saw me coming and ran away so as not to be doing dope in front of me.  I halfheartedly chewed them out and told them this is Vancouver and it’s your god given right to smoke drugs in public here.  They offered me some but I declined, although I thanked them for being neighbourly.  God almighty!  Do I LOOK that old?  I was walking briskly enough….

There’s a party next door.  I was invited but I’m not attending. I took biscotti to thank them for inviting me earlier this evening.  I will have enough left over to feed some coworkers tomorrow.  Hey Paul if you read this do you want me to make a batch for your coworkers?

My flabs in zero g

Well, not exactly.

Smell for comfort. 

I may have posted this already, but it’s still funny.

V. cool pic of deep sea urchins.

Human reproduction sure can be odd. 

Will Allegra stop providing links to articles about the collapse of the Yankee dollar?  Sadly, no.

Math Song Finite Simple Group of Order Two. 

Why would somebody ask for ‘more ranting’?

Tonight I would like to rant about the lack of menstruation rituals in our culture. Tonight I’m going to take the man’s view, as the woman’s view about it isn’t nearly transgressive enough for me ce soir la. Jeez, where’s an accent grave when I need one…
If I was a man, I would want rituals and predictive patterns in young women’s lives that preserved their fertility for their true purpose, namely, making babies with me and not with other men. Having some kind of ceremony where it was drilled into the girl’s head that she had one shot at the childbearing game and if she slept with the wrong guy it was game the fuck over would be useful if my strategy for access to childbearing women meant I was employed and civil. Mind you, if my strategy is to just rape the shit out of her and hope for a lucky plug, it’s still better than if she was really trying to save it for the right guy. Her body may betray her and pop an egg for me. I’d be the ‘wrong guy’ – but I’d still be first. Now, the sperm competition theory of fucking, which holds that guys enjoy sharing girls because if you’re second (or later) you come way harder (your sperm will ‘wash away’ that of your, uh, competitor/buddy), so if you let your buddy go first, because you don’t really care if you get her pregnant, and you’d prefer to come harder because of your wiring, you’ve more or less dropped out of the discussion about breeding. You’ve actually given some consideration to the notion, which is why you’re wearing a condom while all of these shenanigans are going on. I mean, it’s still rape, but there’s a different angle. You get it now? All different styles of thinking about ‘the breeding thing’ lead to different results in terms of how it affects the woman’s life. Oh, sorry, I’ve gone back into the women’s way of thinking about this, ‘scuse me all to hell.

So mOm, did I make you laugh really hard on the phone tonight, or what?

Back to the subject at hand. Women should have menstruation rites so that they actually have two whole chunks of time to think about fertility without having to do any work. That is, in part, what rituals are all about. It’s about the whole “stop working and start thinking” thing that has made humanity what it is. Having enough excess capacity in your life to be able to stop and think is what makes for civil life. Having the spare time to develop morality makes morality. Leisure, in short, makes ethical life possible. But don’t worry, in the end it’s all about sex. Yeehaw. Hurry hurry love.
Did I ever say why it was I refer to my mother as mOm? It’s because when I spell her title that way, it is the “Kilroy was here” or “Clem” sign. See his hands, on either side of his head? Te he. But I also do it because of where I got the idea of it, pOp – which is a clown face with a big nose in the middle. Squint and you’ll see.

Bizaaaaarrre.

So instead of showing my transit pass when I got on the bus at the ungodly hour of 8:10 (am, on a Sunday morning? puhleeze) I had to pull out my mandolin and play it. I got through the first 3 verses of Buy Me A Beer before somebody else got on the bus.

Then, when I got to church, Tom got ‘that look’ in his eye and started playing “Buy me a Beer” so we ENDED UP SINGING IT in the ingathering at church, which still strikes me as being a “take your glasses off and clean them thoughtfully” moment. And I had banjo, twelve string, six string, piano, vocal AND stand up bass accompaniment. Long live the Masticating Ungulates! (The band formerly known as MU).

Very good to see Lady Miss Banjola on her pins agin. Afterwards, Dim Sum.

One of my friends, speaking to me on the phone the other night, said, “Well I know how you are from your blog, but how are you REALLY!?” You asked for it.

1. My back hurts all the time, but I don’t complain about it because it’s BORING.

2. I really wish I was having more sex with the people I want to be having sex with. Quality is not the issue. I don’t talk about that shit here – mostly because just reading this paragraph made my mother’s face screw up really hard. And Parental Strength Mental Bleach is v. difficult to find.

3. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forgive somebody I really shouldn’t be wasting any emotional time and space on. I will keep trying. It’s hard.

4. I wish someone would come along and kick my ass about my songs, as in getting them written down.

5. I need to eat more vegetables, and no, this does not loop back to item 2.

6. After years of being told I’m not a team player and that I’ve got problems with anger, I’ve learned that neither of those things are true. I’m actually a happy person; I rarely get angry about anything any more. Emotionally abusive relationships have subtle and lingering effects.

7. I know I have to lose weight for my health and longevity. It’s an ongoing irritant.

8. I haven’t had a cigarette in just over a week.

There’s more, but that hits the high notes.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch the “Happy Feet” part of King of Jazz again.

Standing still

Tonight I did something I very rarely do.  I watched a movie, by myself, all the way through.

I watched Just Like Heaven, with Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo, and I have to say I enjoyed it.  I told a friend on the phone, “If you’re a straight guy, you should only watch this movie if you think it will give you better odds of getting laid.  Otherwise, you should dodge this movie like a bad karate chop.”

My god, I watched a date movie all the way through and liked it.  I’ll be wearing a tinfoil hat before this phase of my life is through, she opined gloomily.

One of you is lying…..or maybe not….

Why do men report more sexual partners than women?

Men report 7 sex partners.  Women report 4.  The math does not add up; somebody is lying.

Waaaal, we lie A LOT about sex in this and all cultures, so let’s follow Darwin’s trail of bread crumbs, and see if we can get to the end before the sparrows eat the evidence….

There are studies that say women lie about their number of sex partners.  A woman has DAMNED good reasons to lie about this, too;  you will have the most sex partners while you are  fertile (on the basis of the stats…), and if you want one guy’s help  (minimum) raising offspring, you have to respect his statistically likely desire not raise other guy’s offspring UNLESS HE VOLUNTEERED.

My life is so full of examples of good step-parents of both sexes that I know the primate drive to extinguish offspring which aren’t yours (we see the results of this crap every day in the headlines and shudder) isn’t hardwired, it’s just more likely to be expressed in the presence of disinhibitors like crack n alcohol.  So the headlines tell me, and the media never lie about crime, do they?

And then there are other studies, which make the numbers so out of whack, that you have to say, Sheeeit!  Tain’t just the wimmenfolk lyin like cheap Caucasian rugs. 

After a brief pause to consider these things, I must insist on dragging my personal experience into it.  I remember driving down the road (ah, the days when I had access to a car!) and hearing some CBC dude talking to some sex expert dude on a radio show, and the end result was that it was clear that Bill Clinton and most teenagers don’t think of oral sex as being sex.  So when you’re adding things up, one might want to have a reality check on what people think they are checking off, on these surveys, when they are talking about ‘sex’.  And I know that if somebody asked me, I would be squirming and saying, well, what do you MEAN by sex?  My answer to that question is possibly not what the survey boffins were thinking about.

and, and and.

I would say that there is a chance there are some same-sex encounters hiding in the male stats.  They are supposed to be talking about women, but I’m sure that’s where some of the exaggeration, possibly a statistically significant amount, is coming from.  Although there are not very many true male bisexuals (they exist, I’ve seen them) because most of the guys who are ‘bi’ are queer and not too fussy (I’m sorry, that’s a harsh thing to say) or are straight and working through abuse issues, there are a startling number of men having sex with men and staying reeeeeal quiet about it because the social blowback from being found out gay if you’ve been playing the “We have a great marriage and three wonderful children” game is violent and permanent.

I also think that not a statistically significant number of sex trade workers is being included in the studies.

So the next time you  hear about this big gender disparity between the sexes about ‘how much sex’, remember that virtually all of the difference can be accounted for by prostitution, and there’s probably other stuff in there muddying up the data.

Odd experience

I have blogged at other times about pornography, and have mentioned in my self description that I am a pro porn feminist. Last night I had the opportunity to view some Czech ‘home-made’ porn from a co-op swingers club where the members raise money for the club by selling home made porn (made on-site), which seems quite amusingly recursive.

Continue reading Odd experience