Whining – Page 12 – Allegra Sloman's blog

Two Daves

Two letters written but not posted today; it’s a Two Dave day.

Jeff’s just asked me to go downstairs and watch a Time Team. Hope it’s something Saxon or Roman. L8r Nope, medieval and Tudor. But really interesting if you’re crazy about remodelling castles for successive waves of improvements in warfare, boom goes the gunpowder.

Alex was here recently and I’m just remembering him being happy about getting a tube shot on the Xenon game and it made me happy in consequence.

Buster was past damp into dripping wet, and filthy when he came back in this morning…. must be horrible to have to clean that crap off with your teeth and mouth blech.

Indian food delivered last night. I was very happy with the quality and quantity for the price. It’s a new place (8 months?) that does pizza and Desi food Pasifika style, which is like, so Vancouver, it hurts.

Chuck Yeager, RIP. His autobiography is most entertaining.

Letter from Onty Mary, and I’m so glad she enjoyed the paper art I put in with a recent letter, that was cheering.

Today has been set aside for One Grim Task. I do not want this task. I do not want the cascade of tasks that will flow from this One Grim Task. I AM DISGUST, SON.

It’s 10:20 in the morning and I am still not nerved up for this gd task. I am actually hitting the old moral GPS for a recalc from my new position and fuck me if it’s not taking a bit longer than any reasonable person might expect. What is it that a reasonable person following Stoic principles might expect? I said I’d write first PHEW AN OUT, I HAVE AN OUT.

With that I must now turn my attention to the real writing I need to do today, otherwise known as Quarantine Porn. And that works whether I’m talking about the UPSUN universe or my rapidly-winding-down interest in writing porny Supernatural fanfic. (Not all of it’s porn, some of it’s just fluff.)

And if I’m not going to write that, I have to go back out into the kitchen and either work some more on The Dark Book – current section is “the Calendar” and it’s fucking MOLOCH this and MOLOCH that, as he drives his diesel dick through history and messes us all up, it’s just standard issue eschatology schlock, that’s part of the point of the poem though, disjointing the specifically English language over and past and through its various levels of inanity, legalism and perverse vagueness through to a new horrific understanding about what ‘end times’ actually means for the people living through it, and you are among those people, and what the hell is this poem anyway (this last aside for my parents, who have long since given up on trying to understand what it is I’m babbling about and reached this question much earlier) — or work on my master grocery list, and I finally figured how I can get what my grocery list looks like in my head to my actual grocery list that I use every week and reinforces how I visualize and operate in the world, but I haven’t done it yet. So I have work to do to advance this project, which will assist me cognitively as my brain declines and I’m still shopping, and which may have applications for other seniors and TBI sufferers. (I certainly wasn’t able to find anything like it on line.) So yeah, projects, in order, depending on what I’m up for mood and skill wize.

Yup, I’m going to wander off and reconfigure my reality right now, be back in a day for an update or sooner if something interesting happens.

One last thing, the ‘writing light’ in the kitchen died and I asked for help from Jeff (my shoulder’s frozen…. that was weird, realizing it) and he touched the apparently dead compact fluorescent and it illuminated and it made me think of pOp. Also Jeff is quietly amazing, the best kind.

pleasant day

Walk in the neighbourhood with Paul, walked the yard to pick up trash, a little bit of laundry, roasted chicken breasts with leftover veg, practice, working on The Dark Book, the new poem/apocalyptic scripture of MOLOCH. Unfortunately I didn’t get to sleep until after one am and it’s now 8:30 so up I git.

And I lied about talking about Supernatural’s unnatural death zero, no more, etc. At least it’s below the cut.

Continue reading pleasant day

Destiel round up (pretend this is a Private post)

sane people, pls leave – this is in response to Despair ep 18 of the last season of Supernatural.

Original creator of the show Eric Kripke (at least I think that’s who it is) with a rainbow flag and the word COPE:

backstory for the above, fans who only like the relationship between the two Winchester brothers are called bibros. Having Cas (canonically his name is CASS but that’s not what we do in fandom, ha ha) an actual life partner – potentially or otherwise – is making them lose their cheese.

Jesus Christ this above noted post made me laugh so fucking hard

the below-noted post IS IMMEDIATELY WHERE MY MIND WENT AFTER THE SHOW WAS OVER

Yeah NO SHIT, love this callback, although Dean didn’t actually get enough time to say anything

no, I really haven’t, because that’s the kind of love it is, and always has been represented that way, and fuck the haters

now in the fandom they’re saying destiel is what makes Putin resign, which when you consider HOW MANY RUSSIAN FANS THERE ARE is quite possibly the funniest thing about this tempest in a teacup

above is shown the catholic reaction….

LOLOLOL this was the Friday after the show/election

SPN fandom above is memeified in the Avengers universe. Cas disappears during the scene, but he’s already been resurrected three times, so…

I think @solarbirdy’s comments on the above noted complete lack of reaction are best, but she’s a filker so I won’t reproduce her speech without permission

In other words, this represents such an upgrade to the notion of queerbaiting they’ll have to throw out their previous thesis. Also, Tumblr as a social media platform was dying and the extra hits they got as a consequence of Supernatural 15/18 were substantial

Destiel fans often refer to themselves as clowns.

the above-noted isn’t exactly what happened either

nope, not this either and anyone who DOES expect skin should probably give their good ol’ head a shake. I want A HUG FOR THE BOYS that means a little more than the ones they’ve given each other so far.

EVERY G.D. WORD O’ THIS ABOVENOTED POST

palate cleanser

LOOK UPON THE WOMAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD, now we have to survive the next two months OH PS SHE’S OUT ABOUT BEING A SUPERNATURAL FAN but we do not know how she feels about destiel and I would very much like to think that she STANS.

WELL I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT, BUT THERE’S ANOTHER CHASER FOR THAT SHOT

JESUS CHRIST, THIS FANDOM

writing back to the world

Yes, there was an election. No, it isn’t settled. Even if the worst happens, the world survived before, and it will keep surviving. My story isn’t done, neither is yours.

This is a long boring text-heavy oversharing post, ya been told.

Continue reading writing back to the world

the wilds of Coquitlam

I wanted to just post the video of our trek yesterday. No comment, just the train wreck of ongoing wtfery.

Jeff said he wanted to drive somewhere for a client and I made a face. I know how terrible that part of town is (for driving, Coquitlam is quat nahss as far as greenery etc goes) and I wanted to help navigate, so I went in the car with Jeff and almost, but not quite, navigated us into a large scale portal of a Horror Dimension.

Jeff kiboshed the idea of sharing the footage with a right royal Kibosh, because essentially we didn’t do anything but swear at fate, the other drivers, and the signage.

Among other sweary things: the signage on Highway 1 as you drive just short of the Port Mann bridge. The signage as you come off 7B onto Lougheed, which just sucks in conventional terms; the signage that was COMPLETELY OBSCURED BY OVERGROWTH and it’s a fucking good thing I knew which way to direct Jeff to turn; THE FACT THAT NOT A SINGLE FUCKING PLACE OF BUSINESS ON LOUGHEED HIGHWAY BETWEEN THE 7B EXIT AND OXFORD ACTUALLY HAS ITS STREET NUMBER FACING THE ROADWAY.

The footage of us both cursing at all of this will be lost to history, and Jeff’s perfectly happy about that. The joint wail we let out when we saw the grown-over sign, though, that being lost to history mekketh me sad.

The client visit took about twenty minutes.

We solaced ourselves with Mickey D’s and Toim Tayeem.

Finding out that Phil’s ancestors were among the first to move to England – I would have bet money on that.

Mailed off another letter

One of the ways to fight anxiety is to think about other people, so I’m trying to write entertaining letters to relatives and friends.

Anyway, if you want a letter, private message me with your mailing address.

Katie dropped by for a visit. Alex was with Suzanne, Dax’s mum, and Katie had just dropped Paul off at the airport – he never, ever, tells me when he’s going to the US, it’s always been startling to me, no matter how many times I learn about it after he’s gone, which has literally been dozens of times, which just goes to show that I am a slow learner. He’s agreed to quarantine after he comes back, and if he misses his friends and girlfriend in the US who can blame him.

She said her car had a mind of its own and she ended up in my driveway. We had a very long and very necessary chat out on the deck. There was laughing, crying and swearing, and she is such a dear person to me. She was feeling a bit low, but she managed to cheer me up, and that was helpful.

Last night I had my first nightmare that I can remember in years. It was horrifying because my subconscious was saying that it’s better to be dead (or to kill someone else to spare them) than to go through whatever was happening (some unspecified apocalypse). I can’t actually say what it was about because the internet is forever, but let’s just say it was nauseating and disheartening and framed me as an entirely heartless and cruel person with no connection to the future of this earth.

And it was all so calm. HORRIBLE things were happening, and myself and my unnamed conspirator proceeded through our horrible response to them as if neither of us had a hair out of place or a care in the world.

Very slowly, as I realized what we had done, I decided to call the cops, and then I woke up.

Made chicken breasts, bok choi and onions in ginger and garlic, and green salad for supper last night. Practiced lots, still working on arrangements.

17080

user chewmynails posted this on reddit saying the MIL crocheted this

r/aww - My MIL crochet my cat her own couch

Speaking of kitties, Buster has been training HARD. He’s a good chonky boi.

from @gabrielsherman on twitter

This is quite the poem, eh? Inglorious in Excelsis by Brian Bilston

gluey day

I am making bread dough. I think I want home made cheese sticks. We’ll see what they turn into.

Load of laundry done; practicing done. Two songs descended and I don’t even want to deal with them. I’m used to crying while I’m writing songs but not this. The fucking pandemic is making me an emotional hole collector.

Right now I’m missing John so badly, for all the things he’d say and the songs he’d sing, and I tried to give myself a “Well life goes on” speech but that’s hard when I can still smell him in the room divider and his name is on the wall. And I miss Mike, and my parents with an everpresent longing, and I miss being able to feel like an actor in the world, and I miss thinking about what I’d do if I went back to school.

charming piece of BC twitter follows (they’re all fake accounts)

there’s a thing going round twitter about the albums that came out the year you were born. Man I’m old.

fic 16197

Finally

The day is here for me to have my test. Whether I’m actually going to get it or not given the various fuckups is an interesting and as yet open question.

Read something on twitter this morning and I’m having to sit with my settler anger. Indigenous activist says that settlers ‘can’t decolonize anything’

and of course that’s why I have sixers do it.

Colonialism is a hell of a drug.

Someone I follow on twitter got a job. They’re the sole support for a disabled partner and I’ve already donated a few shekels to them so it is absolutely lovely news. Also, I’ve learned to hate the debt collection people in Austria thanks to them.

From @nelsonlflores on twitter

I have returned from taking my test, I await with interest to see if I passed or failed, and I’m also having a colon cancer screening done this week but all I have to do is provide a teeny piece of poo for the health care system so I can manage that.

Did a small shop and some banking on the way home, and then took the bus; after all, it is international car free day.

much better aqi, all things considered

It’s dropped 20 points since 1 am (now 145 LATER AT 8:30 AM UP PAST 160 AGAIN), and should get within kissing distance of normal – under 40 – sometime by Friday.

Buster has been extremely variable about wanting to train. Some mornings he’s all over it, but the last couple of mornings he wants to just be handed treats, so I cut short the training this am after one treat and we’ll try again in the early afternoon. This morning first he huffed training and then he begged for it and we got three paw claps and a jump and chase and a run and chase in.

My experiment, stealing a cushion off one of the downstairs sofas and using it for a backboard, is a success – however finding a replacement pillow even at places like Bed Bath and Beyond that are supposed to specialize in shit like this has proven rather difficult. I will ask Paul to assist with cushion shopping today, then I can put the danged cushion back.

Jeff took me to breakfast at IHOP yesterday and I just ate what was left of the leftovers. We had the leftover sushi for supper last night as the folks kindly shared out leftovers from Paul’s bday.

Doctor’s office phoned me saying they wanted to schedule ‘a medical review with an RN’ and I told them to go fuck themselves until after the 22nd when I (hopefully) get my glucose tolerance test. What the hell is wrong with these people? Why do a medical review when the single most important piece of test data isn’t available? Anyway, I wasn’t as rude as I sound but I took no shit, I assure you.

The hot stone massage at Head to Toes day spa with Pauline was AMAZING, I’m still feeling comfort right into my bones. I may book another one next month just to have something to look forward to. But I suppose I should probably wait at least that long to ensure I neither caught nor brought anything.

14,487

Review of day:

Didn’t drink enough water yesterday. It needs to be less than half tea, my liquid consumption. Did practice x 3 instruments; did walk 1.5 k, did empty the sink and fill the dishwasher; did not meditate or take my bp and pulseox; I did not work on a manuscript; I did take my pill and brush my hair and teeth; I did my shoulder exercises. No laundry yesterday or today; no osteofit, no dejunking yesterday.

french toast and bacon

Not exactly on the high blood pressure and kidney problems diet, but I will only have two pieces of bacon. In a few minutes we’ll take off for the store; Jeff will stay in the car and I’ll go do the shop, as per their current instructions – they only want one person per household…

Latest bp 157/87, not too bad. Nice walk back from the pharmacy yesterday – it was literally the only part of the day that wasn’t too smokey to be outside.

Two dozen deaths, minimum, from the wildfires, and it will be closer to a couple hundred by the time it’s all over.

I got 11/15 daily routine items taken care of yesterday, so even if I feel like I didn’t do much besides laze around and harvest squash (put them in a carryall LOL to carry them, otherwise you’re negotiating with a dozen verdant cannonballs) I did actually DO THINGS yesterday

et the littlest one last night as a bedtime snack, seeds and all, damn it was good

LATER ABOUT THE SQUASH two more of them found homes

13,359 words

The weeping and wailing about Supernatural ending continueth on twitter.

wringing sweat

Work’t in my garden. f’in hot out there. This involved sweeping up lawn clippings so you can actually see the walkways and driveway, watering the squash, (I could hear them slurping, it’s been ages and I think there may be a single lone pumpkin in the pile) and walking the boundaries to pick up the inevitable logo’ed paper and plastic trash that’s blown in. I also carted the cactus soil and the deck salt out to the locking side of the carport so they aren’t posing a tripping hazard by the back door any more..

Now to collect the clean mats from the dryer, except that I have to sweep the kitchen floor and mop it first, which I am now by the power of mental effort going to try to silently encourage Jeff to do.

later: Jeff did sweep but I hadn’t yet cleaned out the hellhole under the kitchen table, and now you can see all of the floor and it’s all clean, hallelujah. There’s a tiny bit of paper cruft to sort, but I could probably throw it all out and not lose anything. Also: cleaned the extraneous paper cruft from the side of the fridge.

and i am STILL WRINGIN’ SWEAT YEAH

Finally got hold of the doctor and gave her a piece of my mind, but of course it makes no difference. Managed to winkle out a prescription renewal. Why do we need gp’s again, blech.

I’ve already practiced three instruments and done my shoulder exercises this morning. I’ve even written a little. 13,301

u/Zinan took this flying out of YVR this am, check the haze effect on the mountains

ermagerd, somebody I really like on twitter retweeted something nasty I said about Trump and Nate Silver so I am ha ha’ing to myself.

The McDonald’s closest to my house has a worker sick with Covid.

fucking ronald damn his eyes

now it’s time to unionize

Jeff and I never go there, it’s the second worst Ratlands between the Port Mann Bridge and Main Station. (The worst one is right on Main. WHAT A ZOO)

I KNOW that none of you care, but today’s the last day on set for Supernatural after 15 seasons, and the people who guest star are openly weeping about it, and it’s a Thursday, and Castiel is the angel of Thursday, and now it’s over.

trying….

Something for the parents

fic 13,205 FINALLY managed to get through the scene at work. I think it will play most amusingly. Just imagine a guy getting his face teased off by two co-workers, that shouldn’t be too hard.

Trying something different with respect to a daily routine. Even half-assing it yesterday I was more productive that I normally am and scheduled a whole bunch of much needed self-care. All in all I am very pleased.

Made a small luncheon salad – chopped cooked chicken breast, lettuce, onion and olive.

Buster trained well yesterday.

Wanted to go walking with Paul today, but it will be a mall walk, if anything; the heat and the particulates make walking outside a mug’s game. So I emailed him and expect to hear from him midmorning.

I backed up my hard drive this week; Jeff thinks I should be scheduling it more like once a month than three times a year, and he’s right.

Spoke to Peggy on the phone yesterday. She was putting up pears and applesauce when I called; how very Peggy. We had a delightful chat although she definitely is not enjoying this phase of the pandemic, having school aged and toddler grandchildren.

Drone footage of San Francisco, with all the orange wildfires, is…. jeez am I wearing out ‘apocalyptic’ yet?

There aren’t enough public washrooms in Burnaby.

I’m out of bocconcini pearls and it’s making me crabby. SALT FREE CHEESE! ya-harri-hoy!!

They’ve torn down the last of the sets for Supernatural and Baby rides for the last time today. Sigh. End of the show is coming.

Just told someone on AO3 not to give drunk people ibuprofen even in fanfic. I M BITCH, HEAR ME HOWL

Bed back together

I now have a fresh mattress on my bed. As I was putting the weighted blanket back in its cover, I became glad I have two covers thanks to the kids (they gave me an extra cover, I guess they know me or something) because the zipper broke on the winter-weight one. BUT I HAD A SPARE and carried on regardless. I’ll get the other one repaired.

I should call Burnaby pickup.

My west coast Indigenous style masks came. They look like this. and this. I was going to give the hummingbird one to mOm but I think I’m going to keep it, it’s fantastic, and I do love the other ones. And I is greedy. Anyway mOm if you do love the hummingbird one so much you have to have it, just make sure you wash it when I bring it o.O he he

I see from social media that cousin Alex is making a skirt for herself today, and as she wryly commented it was a better activity choice than doomscrolling through the news.

~~9859~~ 10059 words on the fic

Weather continues unbelievably fine

scanged from twitter

Some son of a seacook stole my bank card details so TD fraud prevention called me and cancelled it and I went in to the New West branch to get another one. Much standing in line, but they come out and bring the elderly into chairs, so that was okay. Picked up batteries for the D’Addario tuner Mike bought me at London Drugs. Also some thumb drives, the 64 gig ones were cheap like borscht.

Poked my head into the New Westminster Library; there’s this writer called Silvia Moreno-Garcia I follow on twitter (I almost met her in real life but she’s TOO GOOD for spits (dunnett events) so No) and she’s forever going on and on and fucking on about a book she wrote called Mexican Gothic, so I put it on hold at the library. I poked my head into Freshii and got a strawberry banana smoothie – delightful, rather small, and not too sweet – and picked up some plant trays for the seedlings I’m growing indoors and finally moved them to their permanent spot in the only remaining south facing window, the one under the cat tree.

Walked about 1.5 k in total, and now I am home. Stayed masked the whole time, took the bus into New West and wandered around. You are obliged to wear a mask on transit now.

trying to stay calm, focused and hydrated

Emptied and loaded the dishwasher, finished the first part of the poem about the bird. Considered banging my head against the wall; considered what it would look like if it stayed that way. Considered Jeff considering me with my head stuck in the wall: “well never mind that get me out of here” and discarded head-banging in its less figurative form as a pastime, at least for today.

I must now attend to the horny appendages at the ends of my legs at least twice a week or they get snarled in shit and cause no end of pain. Filed down to a dull roar? I’m good. Bending is not good. But the outcome is good, and I have a shower stool.

Oh my god, for two seconds I thought that was Jeff humming but it’s power tools or a generator or something NO IT’S THE HARDWORKING GARBAGEMEN OF BURNABY (well I’ve never seen a lady garbageperson so no I don’t feel bad using sexist language about it to draw attention to that) and now I feel like my hearing is disappearing. Well, I guess I should score my tinnitus as super high today.

There, perhaps that’s enough whining. I heard Mike’s voice yesterday, he called, and he’s having a super rough time (work, isolation, life maintenance). He wants to see me but he says that if he ever got his parents sick he’d self-ignite from guilt and I totally get it. I keep working my way up to being mad about it but it’s

I could not love thee (Dear) so much, Lov’d I not Honour more.

all the way, unfortunately in this case. Filial piety has to count for something.

sleep sleep sleep

Got some bad news the other day and I’m still processing it, mostly by sleeping. I’ll comment publicly after I get the test results, probably a week at least. Side note to mOm, who will worry— it’s not that big a deal, I’m just easily crushed these days and once again I’ll be asked to change all of my eating habits, which I am seriously disinclined to do.

Can’t I just quietly die ? <—– what a wuss. And no, that’s just me being drama llama’s fave hanger-on.

Also, the fact that I’m getting this news a couple of months after I think I had COVID is really, really pissing me off. There are so many things we don’t know, but I won’t be a bit surprised if I’m not the only person this happened to, although proof will take years.